| Subject: Becoming a man's mother... |
Author:
Meghan
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Date Posted: 06:49:26 11/02/02 Sat
In reply to:
KatherineJ
's message, "What to do when your man isn't doing it right" on 14:48:13 11/01/02 Fri
is NOT a role they force you into, it's one you CHOOSE.
I agree with what the rest have said, my mouth dropped a little further open at each "chop-chop! Get cracking now!" demand you seem to have placed on him, as well as the way you seem to be bossing him around over things like which order he does his errands in. Good GRIEF!
When we love someone, we have to learn to love them the way they are. No ifs, ands, or buts - the way they are. I, too, would show someone the door who started saying they needed *me* to do things differently in aspects of my life in order to make *them* happy, particularly when we don't live together. The very idea! In fact, I have done so. I spent far too long in a relationship with a controlling, demanding man who thought his ways should be my ways when it came to neatness and efficiency, not realizing that everything that made me who I am was the flip side of my relaxed free-spiritedness - a quality he was sorely lacking.
It's one thing if a person has serious shortcomings that we don't find acceptable (lying, cheating, etc.), and even then our only choice is to leave. But, things like how messy vs. neat someone is, or how quickly they attend to details *we* find important, but that aren't really about us, are just part of accepting another human being shortcomings and all. And, if they these things fall into the category of things we can't accept that's fine (well, somewhat uptight, but still well within our rights), even then our only good choice is to leave. Better yet though, is realizing there *is* no perfection, and learning to focus on pretty much only the positive about a person we care for and work ourselves on trying to come to understand the rest rather than change them.
The first step is realizing that you AREN'T right about what he should do, and instead that both of you have equally important perspectives that *differ*. You two are apparently opposites, and opposites attract and can bring a great deal to each other's lives as long as they accept each other, differences and all. Think of his perspective. He'd like it if you could just laugh when he farts, not mind his mess, and not see everything he does as about you. Why aren't you doing it right?:-)
I don't mean to be harsh, and I realize (hope!) you're being more emphatic than you feel for emphasis, this general issue just hits a nerve with me.
Some specific comments:
*You're severely underestimating the mental and emotional strain and drain of searching for and being without a job for a long time. Leave him alone! He's dealing with it the best way he knows how, and the last thing he needs is pressure and disapproval from the one he loves piled atop the pressure and disappointment he already feels within. If your pushing has any effect on his employment, it will be to make it happen more slowly. Tell him you believe in him, and you know he'll make it happen when he's ready.
*Regarding his car, if he doesn't show up for dates or is late for them - that's the only portion of this that affects you. Your right is to ask that he call to let you know, reschedule, take the bus/taxi, arrange that you'll take your car, etc., to meet you on time - that's it. Otherwise, tell him you don't love him for his car or lack thereof and you just know he'll find a good one soon, you're not worried about it.
*If how messy *his* house is bothers *you*, then *you* should clean it. I don't actually recommend this, since the idea is to *not* become his mother, I'm only illustrating that it bothering you that he chooses to live in a messy house is *your* issue. Appreciate the things he's good at instead, and realize you are just different.
*Regarding the creditors, he's arranged a payment plan. Let him handle it like the adult he is and stop being suspicious and mistrustful that he doesn't have the money. He may not, but it almost comes across as if you look for things to mother him about.
I can't stress enough that this overall "I'm right about what's good for you and you need to change to please me" bossy attitude of yours is going to bite you hard if you don't loosen up. No man - no person, will take nagging forever unless they're a complete doormat, and no matter how much they realize the person is trying to help. He'll either leave you or start lying to you, maybe both, if you keep it up. And it'll be your fault.
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