| Subject: Trying to stay calm |
Author:
JeffF
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Date Posted: 08:54:48 11/03/02 Sun
In reply to:
KatherineJ
's message, "What to do when your man isn't doing it right" on 14:48:13 11/01/02 Fri
KJ, you say you told him you need four things from him. OK, that's an opening of a discussion and because these things are important to you, maybe you should talk about them, but look what happens after that. You suddenly switch the pronoun, so that points 1-4 all start with "he needs". Wrong! Nothing makes a man want to wrong in the other direction faster than a woman starting to confuse her needs with his needs. You can talk about these things, but it has to be from the point of view of "Can we talk about some things that are bothering me?"
Now, let's look at specifics.
Wanda is right about the unemployment. He is looking and it takes something away from a man and his dignity and feeling of self-worth to be unemployed. He doesn't need to be always reminded of it, while he is looking. I lived with my Dad's unemployment for 3 years in high school and although it was very hard on us as his family, that's nothing compared to how it was for him.
He needs to have a better car? It doesn't sound like he can afford one now and any way if it doesn't bother him, he doesn't need to. Do you have a car? If so, and you don't trust his or it doesn't go, why can't you drive? I'm seeing two different people right now, and my car has 198,000 miles. It's fifty/fifty whether it passes the safety inspection this month, but it still gets me around locally. Because of parkways and other places where the car stalls, the women I'm seeing generally do the driving, if we are going somewhere by car. So what?
He needs to have a clean house? It doesn't sound like it's bothering him and it's his house. Stil you have an option if it bothers you that much. Simply say, "Would you mind if I clean your house?" and leave the choice up to him. After all, you're the one it's bothering.
I'll grant you have a point on the license. Driving with a suspended license is not a good idea, since it's illegal and since your complaint about not knowing where he was is a legitimate one. Making you worry for no good reason is a reasonable complaint and this one it would be good if he fixed as soon as possible.
You need to stop confusing your needs and his needs. In your own words, he's a nice guy, he's attentive and he loves you. Sounds great. Then you blame him for you nagging him and the question is if this keeps going on, how long will he want to be attentive and a nice guy. Sorry, but from a man's point of view, there comes a time, when "Enough!" is going to be said.
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