| Subject: Re: Let's talk about dying |
Author:
Kyla
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Date Posted: 17:57:10 08/18/01 Sat
In reply to:
Carrie
's message, "Let's talk about dying" on 13:55:31 08/18/01 Sat
Carrie, wow. That image of the old woman in the wheelchair, and how the nurse has to separate herself, and really, any alive and human sense, from what that old woman is experiencing...the two together speak such an eloquent cry of our predicament. here I am, drooling in my chair crying help me, here i am crisp and competent saying don't mind that one she is...not really here, but I am. One thing that happens after the second birth is that those two meet, have a chance to come to terms, to each take her place in Being. And in that way, help for the crying one becomes possible.
My father died about nine months before my second birth. i do still grieve, especially for all the lost opportunities and all the ways our relationship never really happened. Watching (literally) his death gave me something i cannot yet name, except to point to it as a strong signal: your time is definitely limited here. My second birth only strengthened that message: this body has a time limit. MySelf does not, but mySelf as kyla definitely does. I have far less certainty about "what is next" than I once thought I had. But i have far more trust that whatever it is will be meetable, by whatever i become in that transformation.
And still sometimes i feel a fear of dying. It is the greatest unknown we face, it's a mystery, and as far as i am concerned a certain amount of fear is damned appropriate! The truly most difficult thing about my father's death was his own grief at leaving his loved ones and his life behind. i watched two very tiny tears appear in his eyes just before he went. Goodbye, they said, i love you.
It matters far more than it ever did, it is more excruciating, and at the same time far more bearable than ever before, simply because there is so much more of me to bear it.
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