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Date Posted: Tue, Apr 20 2004, 23:12:26
Author: Ariana Aislinn
Subject: Atlantis GAFF! Greek mythology writhes in pain!

Okay, first of all, I love studying Atlantis legends. There's a lot of really interesting information out there. Unfortunately, there is a TON of crap, as well. Still, I'm less interested in whether or not Atlantis actually existed than I am in its role as an archetype and its effect on legends, myths, and literature. So with that in mind, occasionally I'll hop on over to Ebay and nab whatever random books I can on Atlantis. I was interested in doing that again since there are some particular books I'm looking for, but I figured I really ought to read some I already have first. I have about four or five I still haven't looked at. :P

So anyway, I picked up a fiction book called Lords of Atlantis that I bought quite some time back for about $1.50. Used books generally don't sell for much on Ebay, but this was cheaper than most, and for good reason. It's a ratty old paperback published in 1960 that was probably sold at a garage sale once before reaching me. It's only 128 pages long - very short. I knew it was going to be bad when I got it and saw the cover and summary, but hey, it's not like I suffered much of a financial loss.

This book is practically fanfiction of Greek mythology...bad fanfiction. Here's the plot. Basically, long long ago there was a race of powerful people who lived in the lost continent of Lemuria. Lemuria was destroyed by an ice age, as near as I can tell...the book doesn't really explain that. Many of its people escaped via spaceship to Mars, which was then habitable. (Yeah, I can HEAR you groaning, you know.) Anyway, our story takes place many centuries later. Mars is rapidly becoming a desert with a shortage of water, and the atmosphere is thinning. The Martians have sent colonists back to Earth, to rule over the barbarian savages who are the descendants of those who stayed behind. They have several colonies all over the world, but the center of their power is Atlantis, a kingdom which takes up the Mediterranean Valley (since at that time the Mediterranean was dry and was separated from the Atlantic Ocean, and was later flooded...a real theory, actually). The capital of this kingdom is Atlan, where the highest Martian authority rules over all the colonies. His title is the pitar, and his name is Zeus.

Yep, that's right, many of the main characters are shamelessly ripped off from Greek legend. Now, this is an idea that COULD be done well, but unfortunately they've already thrown in spaceships and Mars, so it's looking pretty darn GA to me. Anyway, Zeus is an old man who we know is a lecher because the book points out that he glances at pretty girls all the time. He is married to Hera, a barbarian woman who has become a domestic diva and cares for nothing except that all ceremonies and social occasions happen the way she wants. Zeus' daughters are Athena, who isn't so bad if not very developed (though none of the characters are, being very one-dimensional in most cases), and Aphrodite, who is basically a stupid, selfish slut. The main character is Teraf, prince of Hellas, who is half Martian, half Barbarian. Of course he is handsome - all Martians are pale, red-haired, tall, and broad-chested. The latter two traits are explained by the difference in gravity, which is somewhat plausible, but said gravity differences should have a far more debilitating effect on someone who has just arrived on Earth after ten years on Mars, studying engineering. Instead he just shrugs them off.

Soon after he arrives, the official delegation comes to greet the next in line for one of the ten thrones of Atlantis...and of course they allow their greetings to be interrupted by a...newspaper reporter.

Yeah, let's just toss in some modern professions and institutions, and while we're at it, mannerisms and colloquialisms and social conventions, too.

[quote]"Hey, Prince, Prince!" someone was bawling above the roaring rain and the screams of the scurrying crowd. Then the owner of the voice, a lean and lanky youngster in civilian harness, thrust his dripping bronze figure through the mob and grabbed Teraf by the arm.

"Sorry, Prince," he apologized as Vanya and the other committeemen drew themselves up in soggy hauteur. "Hate to bother you, but I'm Hermes of the Evening Planet. The boys want a photograph and I want an interview. If you'll just step this way..."[/quote]

*Groans* Yeah. You're just going to run up and grab royalty without any explanation, and people will watch you do it even though they're in the middle of official business and for all they know, you could be an assassin. Also, Hermes? A reporter? *Groans again* And the name of the newspaper...I almost expect him to be Superman in disguise at this point. Oh yeah, and after Teraf meets with Zeus, he goes to his private rooms and finds Hermes waiting for him...drinking his wine and inviting him to "make yourself at home, as I have." So Teraf has a bath and comes out to talk with Hermes, who wants a private interview, even though he's quite inebriated at this point, asks a couple inconsequential questions, then spends the rest of the time talking himself, criticizing the government...not a great thing to do in front of one of the Atlantean heirs, I would think. Yet Teraf never gets mad at him. Later, when a revolution is attempted against the Atlantean government, Hermes is drafted as head spy since he's so good at ferretting out information, apparently. Seems there weren't any spies before that. So Hermes goes out on spy missions along WITH Teraf, despite the fact that you'd think they wouldn't risk someone of Teraf's importance on reconnaisance missions.

The kings of Atlantis are gathering for their official meeting that happens every five or six years, so the pharoah of Egypt, Plu Toh Ra, shows up with his daughter Pan Doh Ra in tow. Plu Toh Ra (yes, Pluto...and I'm not even going to comment on the random blending of Roman and Greek names for deities) is described as having yellow teeth and a cadaverous face...reference to death, anyone?


[QUOTE]Plu Toh Ra, though still young, looked suprisingly like his own mummy. The dark skin was drawn tightly over the bones of his face until it shone like parchment, and splendid robes of state could not conceal the equal gauntness of his mighty frame. Yet this was emaciation without a trace of weakness.[/QUOTE]

I dunno, sounds pretty sickly to me. Maybe it's just me, but I find this description highly contradictory. Of course, there are worse.

[QUOTE]Athena was a tall, finely-chiseled woman whose creamy red skin was set off startlingly by the premature whiteness of her hair.[/QUOTE]

Creamy red? O_o

Not much better is Pan Doh Ra:

[QUOTE]Her eyes were twin pools of darkness, which contrasted strangely with her hair, which was a sort of golden-black.[/QUOTE]

I'm getting strong Sue vibes, and no wonder, because later Teraf talks with her and gets this shy and uneasy girl to open up a little, and she has him pet her vicious, man-eating pterodactyl...aww! (The pterodactyl's name is Sonny, of all things.) Turns out Pan Doh Ra is betrothed to Teraf's brother Refo, king of Hellas, who earlier all but told Teraf that he and Plu Toh Ra were plotting rebellion...but when everyone finds this out later, Teraf acts shocked as if Refo wasn't giving him huge hints before. No wonder they need a reporter to find things out if the kings and princes are so obtuse.

I'm not going to go into all the details of the plot, but basically there's a rebellion and Atlantean ships fight against Egyptian pterodactyls, and the Atlanteans win. But the rebellion isn't totally quashed, and Aphrodite betrays them for Plu Toh Ra because he apparently promised to marry her and have his people worship her as a goddess. So she goes to the radio tower of Bab El (yeah, you heard me), which is a huge nuclear plant which generates ALL the power needed to run Atlantis and all the other colonies on earth, projecting the power where it is needed via radio waves. Yeah. The fuel for this plant is a radioactive metal called orichalcum that they import from Mars. Aphrodite seduces a young man who works at the plant and convinces him to steal some orichalcum from the tower. Teraf goes to investigate the theft, trying to find out who did it and how, and he gets Hephaestus to show him the plant:


[QUOTE]"It just couldn't be done," he muttered. "No one could carry out one of those shells under our very noses. He would have needed a truck."

"Couldn't the thief have drilled a hole through one of the containers and extracted the contents?" ventured Teraf.

"And get a mortal radiation burn doing so." The cripple scratched his hump nervously. "Oh, it could be done, of course, if one were fool enough. Let's look.

A careful examination of the chamber convinced them that Teraf's guess had been correct. A heap of lead shavings was found on the floor, and one container was pierced by a tiny hole.[/QUOTE]

Neither of them seems at all disturbed to be standing next to an opened container of radioactive material. Sure, it might be empty now, but wouldn't it still be dangerous? And if the thief DID empty it, how much was in it originally? We learn later that the thief carried the stuff in his MOUTH, of all things, so it couldn't have been much. Either that or there's still some in there. Seems as if there would be more than a mouthful, if you couldn't carry the whole shell out without a truck...though I suppose it could just be extremely thick for protection. But THAT thick? And I would still think an empty container would be dangerously radioactive.

Turns out Aphrodite was so seductive to this young man that she convinced him to knowingly die for her and get her the orichalcum, apparently without even asking or caring what she wanted it for. Right. And this mouthful was enough for the enemy to create bombs and take out Bab El with it later on in the story. Riiiight...and that's only using SOME of it:

[QUOTE]Far back, behind a row of tall bottles, they at last discovered a heavy lead container in which all or part of the missing orichalcum was now enclosed.[/QUOTE]

All or part? You mean they aren't sure? Then were do they think the bombs came from? And it turns out that Aphrodite transferred the stuff from one container to another with her HANDS, getting severe radiation burns...and when she's caught and Zeus questions her, turns out the thing she fears most is death. Okay, so you fear death and yet you handle radioactive substances unprotected? Wow, is she ever stupid.

Since Bab El is out of commission and all their transportation is shot, Jason and the Argonauts give Teraf and Pan Doh Ra a ride up the Nile in the Argo, Zeus' private yacht, in order to go confront Plu Toh Ra. (Augh. So idiotic.) Before they leave, Pan Doh Ra, this shy and fearful girl who's made it obvious that she was mistreated in Egypt, declares her love for Teraf to Zeus. This is completely out of the blue, as she's never shown him more than friendship before, and he doesn't have any romantic feelings for her whatsoever. (Still, we KNOW they're going to end up together.) So on their way up the Nile she flirts shamelessly, totally out of character for her from what we've seen...

[QUOTE]"Privately I think Zeus must be in his dotage. If I didn't know you were a stubborn fool, I'd ask you to tell Jason to turn this boat around immediately."

"Look!" His voice was savage. "There was a girl at Minos who talked to me the way you do. I finally had to tan her hide for it."

"I can well imagine, you big brute." She cuddled up against him and giggled. "But I've been spanked by better men than you, and it didn't do any good. I'm immune. Now stop making love to me and listen..."[/QUOTE]

O_o This is the first time Teraf has shown any personality at all, really. I don't see what's so brutish about him, except that statement, and I don't know why she laughs at it...she's supposed to have been mistreated, if not actually abused!

That's really about it, I think, except for one thing. It doesn't have much effect on the plot, but from the beginning of the story they talk about a comet passing not too far from Earth. It's supposedly the size and density of the Earth... *Blinks* It's going to come no closer than 17,000,000 miles from the Earth though, so none of the Martian rulers are worried, only the ignorant barbarians who are sure it's an evil omen. (Wish I could make sense of the numbers to see if that's realistic...but an Earth-sized object would have some pretty serious effects I would think.) It's bright enough to be visible during daylight as well as at night. Early in the book, the gravitational fields of Earth and Mars, pulling on the comet from either side, cause it to explode. Er....right. Sure. Anyway, when the rebellion happens, they call Mars for reinforcements because although they're trying to control and colonize the Earth, they don't have much of an army. However, the ships from Mars can't pass the expanding field of asteroids caused by the comet's explosion, and they can't go over or under it because they use gravitation for propulsion. The asteroids are expanding outward, away from Earth, because the comet was traveling slower than the solar system when it exploded. Uh...right. Comets are a PART of the solar system, and they travel with it. How incredibly stupid. Anyway, you can guess the author is going to make this the asteroid belt, because he explains that the expanding debris won't stop till it's past Mars. He even admits that the comet, like most comets, is made up of mostly ice though, yet last I heard the asteroids were made of rock and metal. Gah! Anyway, the explosion of an Earth-sized comet causes a fairly severe earthquake in Atlantis (from the shockwave I presume), but the damage is repaired within hours. Can't have been much of an earthquake after all, I guess.

Oh yeah, and at the end of the book we learn that the barbarians have started both hating and worshipping all the characters (however THAT works), and they've renamed Refo Prometheus, and Teraf Epimetheus. Yeah.

This book is so stupid in so many ways. Yet I really didn't expect anything different, to be quite honest.

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