Date Posted:Sat, Apr 24 2004, 1:24:16 Author: AC Subject: Worse than Xan-Pet. Now we have Xan-Toy. In other words, bad bad Buffyfic
When it comes to GAFF Buffyfic there are a few people who can be counted upon to always deliver godawfulness. One of them is Caliadragon. I don't know her in real life and she's probably a fine human being, she's just a lousy writer. Even worse, she's predictable in her lousiness.
She loves angst and so her latest story oozes with it. The story is called The Precipice and it's the first in the Healing Xander Series. Caliadragon loves writing series. This one can be found at http://www.tthfanfic.com/story.php?no=3674
But I was discussing the predictability in her stories. She can, for example, be counted on to radically change canon with a blithe author's note at the beginning of her story, like this:
AN: This is an AU, Xander and Anya broke up before the wedding, but she still became a vengeance demon again. Spike has never loved Buffy, but he does care for her and all of the Scoobies. He is however still protective of Dawn. He also never went to get a soul and the whole bathroom scene never happened.
This is actually pretty minor for her. I'm proud and hopeful that she's learning. But not overly so. Her stories also feature Xander as a helpless child, and this one is no exception. Like her friend Kate, she also specializes in bashing female characters, most notably Buffy and/or Cordelia and sometimes even Willow. Tara is the only female who is excepted from the bash-a-thon. Again, no change here. Both helpless!Xander and bitch!Cordelia can be seen in this section:
The sight that greeted them when the three walked through the door stunned them. Xander was being led along by both Dawn and Spike and looked as though a strong wind would blow him over. “Xander, what the hell are you playing at? If you’re looking for sympathy or playing a game you can just forget it, loser boy,” Cordy snapped.
“Shut the fuck up, Cordelia!” Dawn bellowed, shocking all of them. Spike sneered at the cheerleader and his eyes shifted to gold.
“What the hell is going on? Why are you here, Spike?” Angel asked, before Cordy could regain her composure.
“There’s trouble in Sunnydale and we were sent to get some book from you. Xander’s with us, 'cause he can’t be left alone,” Spike told him, still glaring darkly at Cordelia.
When Dawn spotted Oz she flinched and looked over at Spike. The vampire just shook his head; he had no idea how to tell the werewolf that Willow was dead. “Why can’t Xander be left alone?” Faith asked as she walked out of the training room with Gunn on her heels. They had heard the shouting and had come to investigate.
Tears welled up in Dawn’s eyes, unable to answer, Spike did it for her. “He keeps trying to kill himself if we leave him alone.”
“Where’s Willow? Xander wouldn’t kill himself if she were around. Go get her and tell her Xander needs her,” Cordy demanded imperiously.
Oh, and Oz and Faith are here, but she never explains that. Nor does she explain why Drusilla's hanging around. Also, she thinks that Angelus is a hero or something:
No one doubted that the young girl meant just what she said. Angel merely nodded in agreement. Angel had no idea what it was that made him act this way. All he knew was that Angelus had begun to scream and fight at the bars of his cage. Howling out his rage and grief over the thought of his beautiful boy seeking a permanent death. The demon wanted the fighting spirit that never backed down. Not the broken child in front of him.
“I will not harm him, but I will not let him die. Even if I have to chain him up until he obeys me and lives,” A ngel said with more than a little of Angelus’ arrogance showing in his words.
Spike looked at him sharply. “Take care of my boy, Angelus,” he said sub-vocally, knowing only the werewolf and the elder vampire would hear him.
She loves pairing Xander with either Spike or Angelus, but not Angel. Angel is a wuss or something, while Angelus and Spike are always Xander's twu wuv. Let's just forget that Xander hates Angelus with a passion and isn't too crazy about Angel, and Angelus hates pretty much everyone and everything and would cheerfully torture Xander just to alleviate his boredom.
And did I mention that Dru's here? And she's a good guy? If not, I just did:
Dru stood looking up at the building that housed her Kitten. She knew that her Angel was watching out for the Kitten, but the stars had told her that her Daddy would fail. The Kitten was broken and needed someone to take care of. The stars told her that she needed someone to care for her. While Dru felt she could care for herself, the stars had persuaded her to go to her Kitten. If he had her to care for the Kitten wouldn’t go away. Dru walked around the side of the hotel and into the building. Her eyes shifted to amber as she heard her Spikey, and a slow, secret smile cross ed her face. The stars sung of a special destiny for her lovely boy. A destiny that included the Slayer’s Key and the love only her baby was capable of.
She walked up the side stairwell and up to her Angel’s room. There, on the bed, lay her Kitten. Dru made her way over to the bed and settled at his side. Crooning gently to him when he began to whimper in distress. Xander instinctively rolled closer to her and settled an arm around her waist.
This was how Angel, Spike and the others found them when they rushed up the stairs a few minutes later. Spike and Angel had both panicked when they felt Dru’s presence in the hotel. Both men remembered how she had kept Angelus from hurting the boy when he come back insane and ready to maim in Sunnydale. Of all of the Scoobies the only ones that Angelus had not menaced were Dawn and Xander himself. That was due to Dru and her stars.
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't remember any time when Dru protected Xander from Angelus. The only incident I can think of was when Xander had Amy cast that love spell and Dru fell in love with him. But that was because she was under a spell, not because she was nice. And Angelus "came back insane"? When'd that happen? Angel wasn't all there when he got back from Hell, but that was Angel, not Angelus, and Dru was nowhere to be found. She was off dumping Spike somewhere. And for the record, I distinctly remember Angelus menacing Xander when Buffy was in the hospital.
And can I just say that "kitten" is kind of an insulting nickname for a full grown adult man. It's usually used to refer to younger women and girls. But then again, he's mostly been weeping and is usually highly feminized in her stories, so this is relatively mild.
But at the end we have the whipped cream with a cherry on top. Xander and Dru are cuddling in bed, which is so completely in-character that I'm unable to snark about it, and the gang finds them:
Spike looked at her in shocked silence, Dawn however walked further into the room before the others could stop her. Dru didn’t scare her the way that she scared the others. Dawn only had good memories of all the vampires, Dru included. If she was here to protect her Xander, then she was going to trust her to protect him.
The two females shared a look before Dawn climbed up onto the bed and lay down beside them, cuddling up on the other side of the vampiress. Angel just shook his head in disbelief and snorted out a laugh at Cordy’s words. “Nuts. They're both nuts.” Cordy turn ed on her heel and walked away, leaving Faith, Gunn, the two vampires, Oz and Doyle to watch the pair.
Faith snickered, “Xan-toy always had a way of attracting dangerous and homicidal protection. Why should now be any different? Besides, Dawn has always loved you vampires.” Faith then turned on her heel and made her way down the stairs after Cordy.
Dawn had only good memories of the vampires? So she had good memories of Angelus? And Dru? Yeah, we've seen how much she loves vampires, with the exception of Spike. But Xan-toy...just....just....just....
I'm speechless. I thought Xan-Pet was bad, but now we have Xan-Toy. Please, just scrub my brain with bleach now.