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Date Posted: 07:35:33 02/03/04 Tue
Author: a shell of "something that used to be a caring person"
Author Host/IP: Dial2a-119.i2eyenet.com / 64.80.2.119
Subject: An old e-mail I found, got me thinking about feelings

Sadness means you care
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sadness is an intensity of life's longing for itself. We often focus on the painful part, the longing. And yet there is also in sadness a profound affirmation of life, of what could have been, of what can still be.

Sadness is possible only because you care. The more you care, the more pronounced the sadness, and yet, the more potential for joy you also have. Though sadness may often feel like emptiness, it is not.

In every sadness, there is a kernel of joy. Something in your sadness lets you know, without the slightest doubt, that things are not as they should be. That something is the joy which you know, just as assuredly, does exist.

Sadness means you sincerely care. Build on that. Strengthen it. See past the pain of the moment and find a positive outlet for the depth of your feelings. Know that your sadness affirms the joy and beauty that life can be. Experience the purity of being fully alive and let that profound caring propel you forward.

Ralph Marston
---------------------------------------------


The above is something that's been sitting in my mailbox at yahoo for over four years. I found it a while ago when I was cleaning out the box and it got me thinking about my own feelings of deep sadness. I can't show them openly, and yet I can't seem to forget the reason I feel this gawdawful pain. I wish I could find a kernel of happiness hidden somewhere in this sadness, but I can't. All that I can see now is complete emptiness, utter confusion, total "nothingness" and uselessness. Mr. Marston said that, "sadness affirms the joy and beauty that life can be", but I can't see it, haven't been able to since May of 2001, doubt I ever will again. The only sense I can make out of what he said there is that I care even more than I thought I did, because the sadness just won't go away.

I don't want to put up a fight anymore, just want to throw in the towel and give up on everything. I see no reason to go on now, to even exist, in this vacuous state, and yet I have been too much of a coward to put an end to it all. (I guess that's because up until late October I could still see a glimmer of hope, albeit tiny, that things would change, that I might find a way to be happy, at least a little, but the hope finally died, and the lights went out inside of me.)

Does that mean I stopped caring? NO, but I had to stop feeling the pain, the emptiness in my heart and the utter silence that echoes through my brain because I can no longer see or hear from someone who is precious to me, so I had to build an invisible wall around myself and "put on a happy face" in front of others.

How do I get past this loss and move on? How can I offer hope, support or help to someone else when I can see no reason to go on myself? How can I "be there" for someone else when I don't want to be here myself? Why is it so damned hard to get up the courage to just be done with it? Why can't I just do it and free myself from this pain and others from having to look at my ugly personage? Why? Why? Why? Will I ever stop hurting like this? ?????????????

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