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Date Posted: 23:52:45 01/14/02 Mon
Author: Angie
Author Host/IP: clinton-ras1-p117.intrstar.net / 208.150.114.117
Subject: ...this is probably why...
In reply to: Angie 's message, "If you don't see me around..." on 23:32:53 01/14/02 Mon

I'm facing very trying times in my life right now. Things that "normal" people take in stride or as stepping stones or whatever have bcome major hurdles in my life, hurdles that I can't cope with. Betty, I know all too well the feelings that you have been feeling. I feel them with you. I'm haunted by such thoughts every waking moment of every day. When I go to sleep ar night, there's only one thing on my mind. When I wake up every morning, it's still there. I can't shake it and no matter how hard I try, it's always there. I come here and go to other groups hoping that I can find solace in finding ways to help others, but I am so wrapped up in my own demons that I can't see beyond them to know what to say to other people. Many want me to seek treatment. I know I need to, but there are reasons why I can't. Reasons that pride won't allow me to go into. I'll be fine sooner or later. I'm not going anywhere. I will be here reading... probably often. But I don't feel that I can add anyting to your lives right now. I feel that if anything I will be a "taker" and I don't want to do that. I can't do that to you, people whom I've come to love as dearly as if we'd been born into the same family. I love you all more deeply than words can ever express.

I am going to try to take come time to redo my website... graphics, design, everything. I want to start a journal, maybe not online, but at least a personal one as an outlet for the feelings I have. I can't muster the motivation or the energy to do much at a time with graphics, or anything else really. I hope that as I force myself to do this, and get into creating again, that I will begin to enjoy something, anything, in life again.

So if you don't see me, know that I'm here, somewhere... I'll never leave this place. HOLAS is truly a home to me. I'll be here with you but I can't keep taking and taking and never giving in return. When i can stop feeling sorry for myelf, and can focus on someone else, I hope that HOLAS will still be here. I need that love light to continue shining so that hopefully it can help me to find my way back home someday.

I love you all so much.

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