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Date Posted: 13:44:23 01/30/02 Wed
Author: Tristan
Subject: Trying to call him back
In reply to: Tia 's message, "Comforting the dragon" on 10:08:57 01/30/02 Wed

Tristan bit back a sob when Tia suddenly ducked through the doorway of the tent. He brushed the back of his hand against his eyes, scowling at himself when she told him it was okay to cry. He shook his head angrily, feeling his face grow warm, but she kindly ignored his embarrassment.

He met her eyes and saw the tears forming in them, too, and almost lost it, right then and there. She was looking at Marz, the shock at seeing him looking so pale and lifeless obvious on her face. Panic reared up within him, like a frightened beast, and pawed at his chest, making his heart pound so hard it was starting to make his head ache.

Stop it! he wanted to tell her, He’s not going to die, so just stop it! Instead, he kept his mouth tightly shut, knowing it would sound all weak and shaky if he tried to speak right now. He knew she wouldn’t care, since girls didn’t seem to care about that stuff, but it would still make him feel pretty stupid inside.

Tia surprised him when she grabbed his hand and pushed it against Marz’s chest, telling him softly that he had to try speaking to him. “Tell him that you love him…” she was saying. Her hand trembled over his, and a few tears finally spilled over, to drip down off the tip of her tiny chin. She wanted him to order Marz not to die! How could he do that? Surely, he couldn’t hear him, trapped in a coma the way he was.

He stared down at the white face of his lover, unaware of the tears that had finally begun to course down his own cheeks. This…wasn’t happening. Couldn’t happen. Marz couldn’t leave him when he’d only just found him. How would he be able to live after losing him? If he didn’t have anyone to live for…stuck on this foreign world as he was…. He could imagine the others trying to comfort him, telling him it would be okay, that he was in a better place, now.

A better place, he thought, watching his tears drop like melted petals onto the bare chest of his friend. Would I have the guts to follow you?

As usual, suicide scared him, but he couldn’t seem to breathe past it this time. He wasn’t that attached to Marz, yet. He couldn’t be. Nobody depended on someone like that after such a short length of time. He wouldn’t kill himself. Besides, there was always the numbness. Oh god, he could almost feel his body crying out for it already, the sweet fix that would push it all away. Let the wave of senseless passivity wash over him, dull his eyes, dull his heart past recognition again…

“Marz,” he said suddenly, his voice barely above a whisper. He wiped his eyes and nose angrily with his other hand. “Marz,” he said, a little more strongly. “Don’t—don’t go. Stay here. Please. Don’t…you can’t…die…”

Right on cue, his voice cracked horribly, and he almost couldn’t breathe around the sob in his throat. He was long past being humiliated by his emotions; he was practically consumed by them now. He didn’t want Marz to die, and he didn’t want to have to chose between suicide and drugs, either.

“Gods damn you Marz, you can’t die!” he said, almost angrily, as he slumped forward and laid his weeping head against his lover’s chest. He closed his eyes and gripped both his limp hands in his own. “I love you too much to lose you, and you know that, so stop screwing around and get back here! I can’t live without you, and I don’t want to try, either. Please, Marz, if you can hear me, come back…come back, please, come back. Because I love you, Marz, I love you too much…too much to lose you…”

As quickly as they had come the words dimmed, until he could do little more than whisper them off the tip of his tongue. “Don’t leave me,” he continued to mumble ever so softly. “I love you. Don’t leave me. Gods, I love you, don’t leave me…”

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