A bit late bur here it comes ;) -- Ladies of Lallybroch Literary Forum

Thursday, April 25, 10:14:45pm [ Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, [2], 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 08:34:56 08/07/10 Sat
Author: Lady Morilka
Subject: A bit late bur here it comes ;)
In reply to: Page 's message, "Found! >>>>" on 18:05:12 07/25/10 Sun

Ok, my point of view might be ab bit clouded here being pregnant myself, but I'll do my best ;)

>Excerpt from working title Royal Orleans
>�2010 by Juli Page Morgan
>Posted for purposes of critique only and does not
>constitute publication
>
>Now that the morning sickness had passed, Sherry
>thought the near-constant exhaustion was the worst
>part of being pregnant. Oh sure, she wasn�t thrilled
>at the new and interesting shapes her body was coming
>up with, but she could cope with that. Being tired
>all the time, though, was affecting her performance at
>work and as a single mother she couldn�t have that.
Why is she tired, is she having trouble sleeping or is it 'just' the pregnancay taking a toll on her body? For me the first 4 month was the first, now (7th month) it is the later.
>Whenever she thought of the pitiful amount in her
>savings account, a wave of panic would sweep over her.
Maybe a little, fleeting, thought about what she is still needing to buy for the little one would add to the panic here and make it more palpable.
> There was no way she could lose her job, not and
>remain in New Orleans.
>
>At those times she felt an almost unbearable ache to
>contact Geoff and tell him about the baby. She knew
>there was no way he�d allow his child to grow up
>without everything it needed.
This sounds weired to me. Is she wanting to contact Geoff because if the money or because of the despair? It sounds like the first one, but from what I get from her character later I would find the 2nd more suiting. Maybe you could voice it as the feeling that it would be so much easier to go through all this if the weight would be put on two sets of shoulders.
But, damn it! She
>didn�t want him to come back just because she�d
>forgotten to take her stupid birth control pill once.
>It was selfish, but she wanted him to come back
>because he wanted her, not because he thought he had
>to.
I like that bit a lot! Showes how torn she is.
>
>Dropping onto the bed, she buried her head in the
>pillow to cool her burning cheeks. Every time she
>thought of that last conversation with Geoff she
>blushed with fury at herself. She still had no idea
>why she�d said those things that drove him away from
>her. Instead of trying to be maybe acting is a better word here cool and cut that "and" hip and
>non-clingy, it would have been far, far better for him
>to have discovered how madly she�d fallen in love with
>him. Then he would have had a choice in whether to
>stay with her or go. But she�d fucked all that up
>with her stupid pride. Even though she�d not seen his
>face, the hurt in his voice had been more than clear,
>and from his continued silence she assumed he had no
>intention of ever contacting her again.
>
>Tears stung her eyes and she blinked them away.
Here I miss a bit of describtion. I imagine her as taking her head out of the pillow trying to pull herself together once more.
It
>was her own fault she�d lost love almost as soon as
>she�d found it, and crying about it would do no good.
>Still, her mind refused to leave the well-worn tracks
>it ran over so often, wondering again just what Geoff
>had felt for her. She�d just assumed he thought of
>her as a brief fling, hence her determination to hide
>how much she loved him. But when she�d tried to make
>it seem as if she agreed with the whole fling thing, and
>in the process screwing it up and "by" instead of "and" making him think she
>was over it, he�d sounded so�wounded. Not sure, but the sentence sound weired. Grammar is not my best but it sounds as if you switch between 2 time forms.
What if he
>didn�t hadn'd see it as something fleeting and temporary?
>What if he�d�
>
>The soft chime of the doorbell interrupted the endless
>flow of �what ifs,� and she sat up, frowning. Neither
>Tonya nor Melody had said anything about coming by,
>but the security guard wouldn�t let through anyone not
>on Sherry�s approved list of visitors. She hauled
>herself from the bed in a hurry, hoping the presence
>of a friend, no matter which one it was, would help
>take her mind off her misery.
>
>She flipped on the porch light, peered through the
>peep hole in the door, and felt her heart constrict
>with a heavy, almost uncomfortable thump when she saw
>Geoff standing on her porch. Her first reaction was
>to slink back into the bedroom and hide, but turning
>on the porch light had given away the fact that she
>was there. Her hand went to the chain before she
>remembered the baby. She was five months gone now,
>and there was no hiding her belly, no matter how loose
>her clothing was.
You could put a bit more into this paragraph to show more of her startlement and panik bevore you even use that word in the nex sentence. Just a thought.
>
>Panicked, her gaze swept the living room and settled
>on the rust-colored knee-length sweater she�d worn
>that day in lieu of a coat. It lay over the arm of
>the couch where she�d tossed it upon returning from
>work, and she rushed across the room to throw it on.
>Her shaking fingers stumbled over the buttons, and she
>finally gave up and wrapped the garment around her,
>holding it closed with her arms. Taking a deep,
>fortifying breath, she slid the chain loose and
>unlocked the deadbolt before opening the door.
How is she opening the door? throughing it open, carefulli looking around the edge,...
>
>Oh, God, how had she lived four months without seeing
>those beautiful brown eyes looking into hers? How had
>she gone on breathing without sharing the same air as
>he? How had her heart continued to beat without his
>presence to keep it going? How in the hell was she
>going to get through the next few minutes without
>falling at his feet? I would add another "How had she..."(without filling it) here to let here thoughts trail away once more.
She licked her lips and tried to
>smile.
>
>�Well, this is a surprise.�
>
>�Yeah.� One side of his mouth turned up in an
>uncertain smile. �I hope it�s okay.�
>
>�Of course it is. I�m glad to see you.� Sherry took
>a deep breath. �Come on in; it�s cold out there.�
>
>�Thanks.� As Geoff passed by her into the apartment,
>Sherry noticed for the first time his carry-on bag
>slung over his shoulder and realized this wasn�t going
>to be a quick visit. �I didn�t know New Orleans had
>such cold weather.�
I like that, comes over like trying not to have silence fall between them without really knowing where to start, great.
>
>�It is November, you know.� Sherry closed the door
>and turned to face him, locking her knees so they
>wouldn�t tremble. �It�s probably a lot warmer in L.A.�
>
>�I�m sick of L.A.� Geoff shrugged out of his brown
>leather bomber jacket and dropped it on the couch.
>�I�m sick of that stupid album, and I�m especially
>sick of Xander.� With a sigh, he crossed his arms
>over his chest. �Plus, I want to talk to you.�
>
>�Okay.� Sherry fought to keep the quiver from her
>voice. �What about?�
>
>�About why you broke things off with me, that�s what.�
>
>�Oh. That.� How does she say that? weak, matter of fact,...
She should have known; Geoff had never
>been anything but direct and to the point.
>
>�Yes, that.� Geoff�s brow creased. �I wasn�t
>expecting that, Sherry, and I�d like to know just what
>the hell happened.�
>
>Sherry pulled her sweater tighter around her, unable
>to meet his eyes. �Well, to be honest, I wasn�t
>intending to break it off with you.�
Good one! ;)
>
>Geoff�s sigh was distinctly irritated. �I must say
>you gave every indication that�s what you were doing.�
Ok, here I keep waiting for a slightly startled reaction. I mean he came here to discuss something and after the first sentence gets througn off track by the statement that that was never intended. (sounds weired, but hopefully you get what I mean, I mean this "what the hell..."-feeling)
>
>�No, I�� She shook her head. �I was just trying to
>let you know that I�I mean, that we�I just wanted to
>let you know I wasn�t trying to tie you down or
>anything. It just didn�t come out right.�
>
>�You can say that again.� Geoff sat on the arm of the
>couch. �You�ve put me through hell for the last four
>months, woman.�
Why is he sitting down? because of that revealation? I would think his feelings in too much an uproar to sit still.
>
>�What?� Her eyes stuttered to his and her breath
>caught at the depth of emotion she saw there. �I put
>you through hell?�
>
>�You did. Did you ever stop to think that perhaps I
>liked being tied to you?�
>
>Sherry had to swallow past the sudden lump in her
>throat before she could speak. �But you never said
>anything.�
>
>�No,� he sighed how?. �I didn�t think I had to. I thought
>you knew. But I won�t make that mistake again.� His
>lips tightened for an instant. �I should have told
>you a long time ago, but better late than never,
>right?� He drew in a deep breath. �Sherry, I��
>
>�Wait.� She held up her hand. �Before you say
>anything, Geoff, there�s something I have to tell you.�
How does that "wait" come out? panicked?
>
>A look of wariness clouded his eyes. �What is it?�
>
>After several moments of opening and closing her mouth
>like a landed trout, Sherry gave up and dropped her
>sweater to the floor. When she risked a nervous
>glance at Geoff, she found him still regarding her
>warily.
>
>�Well?� he asked. �What is it?�
>
>He�d not taken his eyes from her face and hadn�t
>noticed the slight bulge in her Tulane University
>T-shirt. With a ragged sigh, Sherry smoothed her
>hands over the fabric, accentuating the proof of her
>pregnancy. �This.�
>
>Geoff�s eyes followed the movement of her hands and
>froze as he realized what he was seeing. It seemed
>like years before he looked her in face again, his
>eyes filled with an unfamiliar light. �Is it mine?�
>he whispered.
>
>In shock, Sherry stepped back. �How can you say better "ask"
>that?� she gasped. The solid feel of the door behind
>her was the only thing keeping her upright. �You
>think I�ve been out sleeping with every man in New
>Orleans? You think I just went out and got knocked up
>by some random fool after you and I...after all we��
>
>�No!� Geoff jumped to his feet. �It�s a hell of
>shock, that�s all. I thought you�d dumped me,
>alright? You never rang me, never wrote to me, didn�t
>have anything to do with me. I thought you were
>through with me. And then you spring this on me. How
>was I supposed to know?� His eyes suddenly filled
>with accusation. �Were you ever going to tell me I�m
>going to be a father?�Is he stopping before that last sentence?
>
>�I didn�t know how,� she whispered. Under her hands,
>she felt the baby nudge her from inside as if to say
>now was as good a time as any. Gathering her courage,
>she took a deep breath. �I'd just finished fucking
>things up by trying to tell you I wouldn't try to tie
>you down when I found out about the baby. I would
>have sounded pretty stupid calling you back with that
>kind of news, wouldn't I? But I forgot to take my
>pill the day of Michael�s funeral. The next day I
>realized it and I took two.� She bit her bottom lip.
>�But by that time it was too late, because when we got
>home from the funeral we��
>
>�We celebrated life.� There was a tremor in Geoff�s
>voice, and she saw his throat move as he swallowed.
>He sank back down to the arm of the couch and stared
>at her with what appeared to be hope.
>
>For some ridiculous reason, she suddenly felt shy.
>Unable to meet his gaze any longer, she dropped her
>eyes to the floor. �We sure did.�
>
>�Come here, Sherry.� He sighed when she didn�t move,
>and beckoned her with two fingers. �Please. Come
>here.�
>
>Taking that first step toward him was hard; it felt
>like her feet had been nailed to the floor. Then,
>once she got moving, it was like wading through a
>waist-high vat of molasses. She stumbled to a stop in
>front of him and watched as he placed his hand on the
>swell of the baby. The warmth of his hands went
>through the gray cotton of her shirt as he fitted his
>palms around the bulge. �How long?� he asked.
How does the warmth of his hands feel for her? I bet no one has just caressed her belly, exeped herself, like that since she is pregnant. Does it startle her, is she feeling like pulling back, does it feel lik his hands belonge there...?
>
>�The doctor said the first week of May.� Sherry�s
>breath stopped when he lifted the hem of the T-shirt
>and held it out of the way with one hand. With the
>other, he gently traced the slight curve before he
>leaned forward and pressed his lips to her skin.
>
>Sherry released a shuddering sigh, and her hands
>clenched into fists to keep from burying themselves in
>his hair. When he laid his cheek against her belly,
>she closed her eyes at the feel of his emerging beard
>against her sensitive skin. �You�re not mad?� she
>whispered. agoin how does she wisper that?
>
>�No.� His voice sounded thick. �No, I�m not mad.
>How could I be mad about something so lovely?� His
>warm lips pressed against her again and the thickness
>in his voice intensified. "I just thought I loved you
>before, but it�s nothing to how much I love you now.�
I get what you are trying to get across here, but it sounds like he loves here now because of the child. Maybe if you change the "just thought" to a "figured" or something along that line, to make clear that the child just intensivied his feelings.
>
>�You love me?� Sherry�s voice came out in a squeak.
>
>Geoff looked up at her, his lashes wet. �Yeah, I love
>you, you ridiculous girl.�
lol
>
>�Oh, Geoff.� When she tried to blink away her tears,
>they overflowed and ran down her cheeks. �I love you,
>too.�
>
>�Damn good thing, that.� He stood, keeping one hand
>protectively over their baby, and cupped the back of
>her head with the other. �Because you�re not getting
>rid of me again. Got it?�
>
>�Got it,� she whispered before his mouth covered hers.

Despite the fact that I made numerous remarks, I really like that exerpt. What I miss mostly is the "acting" the dialoges are great, but I miss the describtions of how some of the things are said, and the interactions. As you said yourself that it needs polishing, maybe that helbs to give the whole scene more dynamic.
I do like the sentiment of the scene, and all that is going through her head, but that together with the dialoges is not making a scene complete (at least not when you have more than one person in that room).

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]