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Date Posted: 21:47:42 06/14/10 Mon
Author: 
debikm
Subject: In here, Old Dogs scene: 1082 words
In reply to:
debikm
's message, "Opinions, please!" on 21:36:41 06/14/10 Mon
For those of you new to the saga of Daniel and Valerie, this takes place early in their relationship. They really don't even have a relationship at this point. They are neighbors and he is her brother in law's good friend.
To set the scene: Valerie's ex-husband showed up on her doorstep, drunk off his ass. Their was NOT an amicable divorce. Valerie left the marriage with what she came into it with, namely doodlely and squat. When she didn't show him much sympathy, he grabbed her and tried to force himself on her. She fought back, managed to rack him and get away. When her anger overwhelmed her and she tried to do him some damage, Daniel, alerted by the commotion he could hear across the intervening pasture, showed up in time to stop her from maiming her ex- and escorted him back to his car, where the ex- promptly blazed away to the dirt road and destroyed Daniel's mailbox and his lawn with the car. This takes place maybe an hour later.
------------
Nessa’s mini van crunched to a halt next to the lake house and Alan launched from the driver’s side like a rocket, striding straight toward Valerie. “That son of a bitch did what to you?!”
Valerie was taken off guard and watched with mild fascination as Alan’s face went beet-red in fury. She turned on Daniel with a scowl. “When did you call him? I don’t recall being out of your sight.”
Daniel looked sheepish. “You were in the loo.”
“How much did you tell him?”
“Only that your ex-husband attacked you and tried to molest you.”
Nessa got out with the baby in tow, Kelly trailing behind. “You should press charges against him.”
“No.”
“Why the hell not?!”
Valerie flinched from Daniel’s angry shout and felt worse when she saw him recoil as he realized he’d startled her.
In a quieter voice, he continued. “He assaulted you, and was well on his way to raping you when I got here.” Twin gasps from Alan and Nessa intensified the tension. Valerie was still angry and the current situation was spinning madly out of her control, making her head throb with strain. She fixed a withering gaze on Daniel and sighed. “Thanks a lot.”
Nessa reached down to soothe Kelly, who was clinging to her leg, staring wide-eyed at all the angry adults.
Valerie’s head was pounding like a bass drum. Nessa nodded as if she had reached a decision.
“Valerie, go get your stuff. You’re coming back to the house with us.
“No I’m not.”
Alan decided to assert himself. “Yes you are.” He reached for Valerie’s hand and she snatched it away.
“Stop treating me like I’m a simple-minded child! I just want to be left alone.”
Nessa sighed. “You’re just upset—“
Valerie snorted without mirth. “You’re damn skippy I’m upset! My drunk ex-husband drove five hours to attack me, both physically and emotionally. And my own family is treating me like I’m incapable of doing anything on my own.”
Alan shook his head. “Val, you know that’s not true. We just want to help.”
“You can do that by leaving me the hell alone.”
Alan ignored her demand and gave Daniel a grateful glance. “Thank you for being here. I hate to think what would have happened if you hadn’t intervened.”
Valerie sighed in exasperation. “I kneed Ben in the balls, Daniel made sure he left.”
Alan and Nessa both looked at Daniel and Valerie’s temper exploded. “Don’t look to him for confirmation! Do you think I’m lying about it now?!”
“No!” Nessa cried. “We’re just worried about you.”
Valerie flipped her hand at them, shooing them away. “Then worry about me from the comfort of your own home. I have a headache.” Then her gaze narrowed. “You didn’t tell Dad, did you?”
Alan shook his head. “We were already on the way home.”
Nessa chimed in. “He needs to know, Val.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s your father.”
“What’s he going to do about it? Build a fortress around me? Come keep me under surveillance? I think you’ve got that covered.” She sighed, rubbing her throbbing temples. “Listen, I know you’re going to squeal anyway. But don’t give him a lot of sordid detail, please? Just tell him Ben showed up, we had a fight and he left again, okay?” She was annoyed that neither Alan nor Nessa would answer her or look her in the eyes in promise. She finally just waved her hands at them in aggravation. “You go away now, okay? Thanks. Bye.” She turned her back on them and walked back toward her front door.
“Val!”
“What?!” She spun toward them, glowering. Her family stared at her as if she’d grown four heads and Alan shook his head and sighed. “Just be careful, okay?”
“Yeah.” As she watched, they got into the van and turned away down the drive. Only after the vehicle disappeared did she realize Daniel was still standing there.
“In case you were wondering that dismissal applied to you too.”
He stood, watching her. “I thought as much. I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”
A breathy chuckle that threatened to become a more ominous emotion escaped her. “In all honesty, I’m about where I was when my divorce was final, minus the relief.” She shook her head. “But that doesn’t really matter. I’ll live.” She gave him a narrow look. “But I wish you hadn’t called Alan.”
“They’re your family. They needed to know.”
“And I would have told them, when they got home, and hopefully, without all the drama afterward.”
“You would have lied.”
“I would have glossed over some details, maybe.” She glanced down the driveway where the van had disappeared and frowned. “By tomorrow evening, the Roark family jungle drum network will have reached its full capacity and I’ll have a dozen or more messages on my voice mail, from my dad, my Aunt Jill, from my cousin Amanda. They’ll all start with ‘Hi Valerie, I heard what happened, I’m so sorry,’ and then they’ll diverge. ‘You should have him arrested’, ‘you should have him assassinated’, an idea I’m not completely opposed to in principle, mind you, ‘the very same thing happened to my neighbor and he came back and shot her’, it just never ends.”
“They’re your family and they care. You’re lucky to have them.”
Her eyeballs were staring to throb in time with her pulse. “I know, I’m a terrible, ungrateful bitch and I’m going to hell for it. I just wish you hadn’t stirred up the hornet’s nest that is my family.”
Daniel spread his hands in helpless confusion. “I don’t know what you want from me.”
“I don’t really want anything from you.”
The words came out of her mouth before she could think. Taking a deep breath, she held it a moment and let it back out. Daniel’s expression was surprised, starting to lean toward offended and she had to say something to fix it. “I’m sorry, that didn’t sound at all like what I meant.” Words failed her yet again, the aching in her skull threatening to rob her of any coherence at all.
Rubbing at her forehead, irritated, she sighed and met his gaze.
“Thank you, for being there for me today. I was really scared.” Her impromptu confession earned her a quiet smile.
“You’re welcome.” He nodded in the direction of his house. “If you need anything, I’ll be just over there.”
“Okay.” She watched him go.
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Re: In here, Old Dogs scene: 1082 words -- susiej, 21:15:09 06/15/10 Tue
>For those of you new to the saga of Daniel and
>Valerie, this takes place early in their relationship.
>They really don't even have a relationship at this
>point. They are neighbors and he is her brother in
>law's good friend.
>
>To set the scene: Valerie's ex-husband showed up on
>her doorstep, drunk off his ass. Their was NOT an
>amicable divorce. Valerie left the marriage with what
>she came into it with, namely doodlely and squat. When
>she didn't show him much sympathy, he grabbed her and
>tried to force himself on her. She fought back,
>managed to rack him and get away. When her anger
>overwhelmed her and she tried to do him some damage,
>Daniel, alerted by the commotion he could hear across
>the intervening pasture, showed up in time to stop her
>from maiming her ex- and escorted him back to his car,
>where the ex- promptly blazed away to the dirt road
>and destroyed Daniel's mailbox and his lawn with the
>car. This takes place maybe an hour later.
>------------
>
>Nessa’s mini van crunched to a halt next to the lake
>house and Alan launched from the driver’s side like a
>rocket, striding straight toward Valerie. “That son of
>a bitch did what to you?!”
>
>Valerie was taken off guard and watched with mild
>fascination as Alan’s face went beet-red in fury. She
>turned on Daniel with a scowl. “When did you call him?
>I don’t recall being out of your sight.”
>
>Daniel looked sheepish. “You were in the loo.”
>
> “How much did you tell him?”
>
>“Only that your ex-husband attacked you and tried to
>molest you.”
>
>Nessa got out with the baby in tow, Kelly trailing
>behind. “You should press charges against him.”
>
>“No.”
>
>“Why the hell not?!”
>
>Valerie flinched from Daniel’s angry shout and felt
>worse when she saw him recoil as he realized he’d
>startled her.
>In a quieter voice, he continued. “He assaulted you,
>and was well on his way to raping you when I got
>here.” Twin gasps from Alan and Nessa intensified the
>tension. Valerie was still angry and the current
>situation was spinning madly out of her control,
>making her head throb with strain. She fixed a
>withering gaze on Daniel and sighed. “Thanks a lot.”
>
>Nessa reached down to soothe Kelly, who was clinging
>to her leg, staring wide-eyed at all the angry adults.
>
>Valerie’s head was pounding like a bass drum. Nessa
>nodded as if she had reached a decision.
>
>“Valerie, go get your stuff. You’re coming back to the
>house with us.
>
>“No I’m not.”
>
>Alan decided to assert himself. cut that line- it's telling and we don't need it. Your dialogue is good. We can see that he's asserting himself. “Yes you are.” said Alan. He
>reached for Valerie’s hand and she snatched it away.
>
>“Stop treating me like I’m a simple-minded child! I
>just want to be left alone.”
>
>Nessa sighed. “You’re just upset—“
>
>Valerie snorted without mirth. “You’re damn skippy I’m
>upset! My drunk ex-husband drove five hours to attack
>me, both physically and emotionally. And my own family
>is treating me like I’m incapable of doing anything on
>my own.”
>
>Alan shook his head. “Val, you know that’s not true.
>We just want to help.”
>
>“You can do that by leaving me the hell alone.”
>
>Alan cut- ignored her demand and gave Daniel a grateful glance. “Thank you for being here. I hate to think
>what would have happened if you hadn’t intervened.”
>
>Valerie sighed cut- in exasperation. “I kneed Ben in
>the balls, Daniel made sure he left.”
>
>Alan and Nessa both looked at Daniel and Valerie’s
>temper exploded-cut that. Debi, believe me! You have a good way with dialogue. It doesn't need these additions. I can hear it in their voices and I bet others can too. “Don’t look to him for confirmation!
>Do you think I’m lying about it now?!”
>
>“No!” Nessa cried. “We’re just worried about you.”
>
>Valerie flipped her hand at them, shooing them away.
>“Then worry about me from the comfort of your own
>home. I have a headache.” Then her gaze narrowed. “You
>didn’t tell Dad, did you?”
>
>Alan shook his head. “We were already on the way home.”
>
>Nessa chimed in. “He needs to know, Val.”
>
>“Why?”
>
>“Because he’s your father.”
>
>“What’s he going to do about it? Build a fortress
>around me? Come keep me under surveillance? I think
>you’ve got that covered.” She sighed, rubbing her
>throbbing temples. “Listen, I know you’re going to
>squeal anyway. But don’t give him a lot of sordid
>detail, please? Just tell him Ben showed up, we had a
>fight and he left again, okay?” She was annoyed that
>neither Alan nor Nessa would answer her or look her in
>the eyes in promise. She finally just waved her hands
>at them in aggravation. “You go away now, okay?
>Thanks. Bye.” She turned her back on them and walked
>back toward her front door.
>
>“Val!”
>
>“What?!” She spun toward them, glowering. Her family
>stared at her as if she’d grown four heads and Alan
>shook his head and sighed. “Just be careful, okay?”
>
>“Yeah.” As she watched, they got into the van and
>turned away down the drive. Only after the vehicle
>disappeared did she realize Daniel was still standing
>there.
>
>“In case you were wondering that dismissal applied to
>you too.”
>
>He stood, watching her. “I thought as much. I just
>wanted to make sure you were all right.”
>
>A breathy chuckle that threatened to become a more
>ominous emotion escaped her. this one's OK- its different- a foreshadowing, I think “In all honesty, I’m about where I was when my divorce was final, minus the
>relief.” She shook her head. “But that doesn’t really
>matter. I’ll live.” She gave him a narrow look. “But I
>wish you hadn’t called Alan.”
>
>“They’re your family. They needed to know.”
>
>“And I would have told them, when they got home, and
>hopefully, without all the drama afterward.”
>
>“You would have lied.”
>
>“I would have glossed over some details, maybe.” She
>glanced down the driveway where the van had
>disappeared and frowned. “By tomorrow evening, the
>Roark family jungle drum network will have reached its
>full capacity and I’ll have a dozen or more messages
>on my voice mail, from my dad, my Aunt Jill, from my
>cousin Amanda. They’ll all start with ‘Hi Valerie, I
>heard what happened, I’m so sorry,’ and then they’ll
>diverge. ‘You should have him arrested’, ‘you should
>have him assassinated’, an idea I’m not completely
>opposed to in principle, mind you, ‘the very same
>thing happened to my neighbor and he came back and
>shot her’, it just never ends.”
>
>“They’re your family and they care. You’re lucky to
>have them.”
>
>Her eyeballs were staring to throb in time with her
>pulse. “I know, I’m a terrible, ungrateful bitch and
>I’m going to hell for it. I just wish you hadn’t
>stirred up the hornet’s nest that is my family.”
>
>Daniel spread his hands in helpless confusion. “I
>don’t know what you want from me.”
>
>“I don’t really want anything from you.” Ooo! Ouch! She doesn't mean it!
>
>The words came out of her mouth before she could
>think. Taking a deep breath, she held it a moment and
>let it back out. Daniel’s expression was surprised,
>starting to lean toward offended and she had to say
>something to fix it. “I’m sorry, that didn’t sound at
>all like what I meant.” Words failed her yet again,
>the aching in her skull threatening to rob her of any
>coherence at all.
>
>Rubbing at her forehead, irritated, she sighed and met
>his gaze.
>
>“Thank you, for being there for me today. I was really
>scared.” Her impromptu confession earned her a quiet
>smile.
>
>“You’re welcome.” He nodded in the direction of his
>house. “If you need anything, I’ll be just over there.”
>
>“Okay.” She watched him go.
Great scene overall, Debi. Just those little bits that jarred me out of the moment. I was cringing and laughing. I can see them all clearly. Love the kid clinging to the leg. You do kids so well.
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[> [> [>
I need to be more Zen between dialogue, you're saying..;-) -- Debi, 06:18:50 06/16/10 Wed
>
> Great scene overall, Debi. Just those little bits
>that jarred me out of the moment. I was cringing and
>laughing. I can see them all clearly. Love the kid
>clinging to the leg. You do kids so well.
Thanks susiej! I never 'see' those qualifiers until someone points them out. I always start out telling, not showing. I appreciate you reminding me/kicking me in the pants!
Debi
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[> [> [> [>
Debi>>> -- susiej, 10:16:24 06/16/10 Wed
I used to be the absolute worst ever at describing every emotion. One of the many reasons my word count was so big.
Now, I think it's became, for me, like Ester and her adverbs. No offense Ester! Because I agree; however, the occasional adverb or emotional description can add zing or depth. Like that chuckle- chuckle usually means amused, but amusement may not come from what the reader thinks. In your case it was- oh, if you only knew how I'm about to bite your head off.
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LOL... I'll take whatever help I can get! -- Debi, 12:42:14 06/16/10 Wed
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Great dialog and characterization, as always >>>> -- Fi, 05:56:08 06/18/10 Fri
Alan and Nessa want to help, Valerie wants to be left alone... You've really captured the tension here.
>Valerie flinched from Daniel’s angry shout and felt
>worse when she saw him recoil as he realized he’d
>startled her.
>Twin gasps came from from Alan and Nessa intensified the tension.
>Valerie was still angry and the current
>situation was spinning madly out of her control,
>making her head throb with strain.
>“You’re damn skippy I’m upset!
Nice dialog.
>Then her gaze narrowed.
>She was annoyed that
>neither Alan nor Nessa would answer her or look her in
>the eyes in promise.
>Her family stared at her as if she’d grown four heads
>the Roark family jungle drum network
LOL. My cousin calls this the "parentnet".
>‘you should have him assassinated’, an idea I’m not completely
>opposed to in principle, mind you,
:D
>“I know, I’m a terrible, an ungrateful bitch
>Daniel spread his hands in helpless confusion. “I
>don’t know what you want from me.”
>
>“I don’t really want anything from you.”
Ouch!
>Daniel’s expression was surprised,
>starting to lean leaning toward offended
>threatening to rob her of any coherence at all.
>Rubbing at her forehead,
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Thank you Fi! -- Debi, 06:10:54 06/18/10 Fri
More zen recommended, I see...;-) I can't help it! My fingers just have a mind of their own, es evidenced by the horrendous typos after the first pass... Thanks again!
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[> [>
Ah, the aftermath of Ben's little visit! >>>> -- Page, 18:32:00 06/22/10 Tue
>
>Nessa’s mini van crunched to a halt next to the lake
>house and Alan launched from the driver’s side like a
>rocket, striding straight toward Valerie. “That son of
>a bitch did what to you?!”
You're probably going to shoot me, but I swear to you I heard the theme music to "Raiders of the Lost Ark" right then!
>Valerie was taken off guard and watched with mild
>fascination as Alan’s face went beet-red in fury. She
>turned on Daniel with a scowl. “When did you call him?
>I don’t recall being out of your sight.”
>Daniel looked sheepish. “You were in the loo.”
>
> “How much did you tell him?”
>
>“Only that your ex-husband attacked you and tried to
>molest you.”
>
>Nessa got out with the baby in tow, Kelly trailing
>behind. “You should press charges against him.”
>
>“No.”
>
>“Why the hell not?!”
>
>Valerie flinched from Daniel’s angry shout and felt
>worse when she saw him recoil as he realized he’d
>startled her. POV switch
>In a quieter voice, he continued. “He assaulted you,
>and was well on his way to raping you when I got
>here.” Twin gasps from Alan and Nessa intensified the tension. Valerie was still angry and the current
>situation was spinning madly out of her control,
>making her head throb with strain. She fixed a
>withering gaze on Daniel and sighed. “Thanks a lot.”
>
>Nessa reached down to soothe Kelly, who was clinging
>to her leg, staring wide-eyed at all the angry adults.
>
>Valerie’s head was pounding like a bass drum. That sentence seems out of place here, since...well, we already know that, and Nessa can't actually see Val's head throb. Nessa
>nodded as if she had reached a decision.
>
>“Valerie, go get your stuff. You’re coming back to the
>house with us.
>
>“No I’m not.”
>
>Alan decided to assert himself. POV switch. A little rewording could keep it in if we see it through Valerie's eyes/thoughts. “Yes you are.” He
>reached for Valerie’s hand and she snatched it away.
>
>“Stop treating me like I’m a simple-minded child! I
>just want to be left alone.”
>
>Nessa sighed. “You’re just upset—“
>
>Valerie snorted without mirth. “You’re damn skippy I’m
>upset! My drunk ex-husband drove five hours to attack
>me, both physically and emotionally. And my own family
>is treating me like I’m incapable of doing anything on
>my own.”
You flippin' tell 'em, Valerie! If it were me I'd be mad as hell at this point. She's a grown woman, but her family is treating her like a junior high school girl. I don't remember reading where Valerie's divorce caused her to completely go off the deep end and have to be institutionalized, but they're treating her like she might do something foolish. I mean, I know they love her, but...Now see what a good job you're doing here? I'm all up in arms about that because you've done such a bang-up job writing it!
>Alan shook his head. “Val, you know that’s not true.
>We just want to help.”
>
>“You can do that by leaving me the hell alone.”
>
>Alan ignored her demand and gave Daniel a grateful
>glance. “Thank you for being here. I hate to think
>what would have happened if you hadn’t intervened.”
Oooh. He's doing it again. *G*
>Valerie sighed in exasperation. “I kneed Ben in
>the balls, Daniel made sure he left.”
>
>Alan and Nessa both looked at Daniel and Valerie’s
>temper exploded. “Don’t look to him for confirmation!
>Do you think I’m lying about it now?!”
God, I hate it when people do that! Very nice!
>“No!” Nessa cried. “We’re just worried about you.”
>
>Valerie flipped her hand at them, shooing them away.
>“Then worry about me from the comfort of your own
>home. I have a headache.” Then her gaze narrowed. “You
>didn’t tell Dad, did you?”
>
>Alan shook his head. “We were already on the way home.”
>
>Nessa chimed in. “He needs to know, Val.”
>
>“Why?”
>
>“Because he’s your father.”
>
>“What’s he going to do about it? Build a fortress
>around me? Come keep me under surveillance? I think
>you’ve got that covered.” She sighed, rubbing her
>throbbing temples. “Listen, I know you’re going to
>squeal anyway. But don’t give him a lot of sordid
>detail, please? Just tell him Ben showed up, we had a
>fight and he left again, okay?” She was annoyed that
>neither Alan nor Nessa would answer her or look her in
>the eyes in promise. She finally just waved her hands
>at them in aggravation. “You go away now, okay?
>Thanks. Bye.” She turned her back on them and walked
>back toward her front door.
>
>“Val!”
>
>“What?!” She spun toward them, glowering. Her family
>stared at her as if she’d grown four heads and Alan
>shook his head and sighed. “Just be careful, okay?”
You've got two different people speaking in the same paragraph. Needs a break before Alan.
>“Yeah.” As she watched, they got into the van and
>turned away down the drive. Only after the vehicle
>disappeared did she realize Daniel was still standing
>there.
>
>“In case you were wondering that dismissal applied to
>you too.”
>
>He stood, watching her. “I thought as much. I just
>wanted to make sure you were all right.”
>
>A breathy chuckle that threatened to become a more
>ominous emotion escaped her. “In all honesty, I’m
>about where I was when my divorce was final, minus the
>relief.” She shook her head. “But that doesn’t really
>matter. I’ll live.” She gave him a narrow look. “But I
>wish you hadn’t called Alan.”
>
>“They’re your family. They needed to know.”
>
>“And I would have told them, when they got home, and
>hopefully, without all the drama afterward.”
>
>“You would have lied.”
>
>“I would have glossed over some details, maybe.” She
>glanced down the driveway where the van had
>disappeared and frowned. “By tomorrow evening, the
>Roark family jungle drum network Bwahaha!! will have reached its
>full capacity and I’ll have a dozen or more messages
>on my voice mail, from my dad, my Aunt Jill, from my
>cousin Amanda. They’ll all start with ‘Hi Valerie, I
>heard what happened, I’m so sorry,’ and then they’ll
>diverge. ‘You should have him arrested’, ‘you should
>have him assassinated’, an idea I’m not completely
>opposed to in principle, mind you, ‘the very same
>thing happened to my neighbor and he came back and
>shot her’,Lord have mercy, whoever will say that must live in my town! it just never ends.”
>
>“They’re your family and they care. You’re lucky to
>have them.”
>
>Her eyeballs were staring to throb in time with her
>pulse. “I know, I’m a terrible, ungrateful bitch and
>I’m going to hell for it. I just wish you hadn’t
>stirred up the hornet’s nest that is my family.”
>
>Daniel spread his hands in helpless confusion. “I
>don’t know what you want from me.”
>
>“I don’t really want anything from you.”
>
>The words came out of her mouth before she could
>think. Taking a deep breath, she held it a moment and
>let it back out. Daniel’s expression was surprised,
>starting to lean toward offended and she had to say
>something to fix it. “I’m sorry, that didn’t sound at
>all like what I meant.” Words failed her yet again,
>the aching in her skull threatening to rob her of any
>coherence at all.
>
>Rubbing at her forehead, irritated, she sighed and met
>his gaze.
>
>“Thank you, for being there for me today. I was really
>scared.” Her impromptu confession earned her a quiet
>smile.
>
>“You’re welcome.” He nodded in the direction of his
>house. “If you need anything, I’ll be just over there.”
>
>“Okay.” She watched him go.
You said you thought it needed something. The only thing I can think of is perhaps being a little more privy to Valerie's thought processes. You do a great job of showing her frustrations and anger, but you might think about adding in more about what prompts it. The dialogue is superb (as always!) but since this is Valerie's POV, maybe a little more of her inner -oh, what's the word I'm looking for? And I write books! - can't think of it, but I hope you know what I mean. Man, that was helpful, wasn't it? *sheepish grin*
Hugs,
Page
Last edited by author: Tue June 22, 2010 18:35:16
Edited 2 times.
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And he destroyed Daniel's mailbox too! -- Debi, 14:46:57 06/23/10 Wed
>>
>>Nessa’s mini van crunched to a halt next to the lake
>>house and Alan launched from the driver’s side like a
>>rocket, striding straight toward Valerie. “That son of
>>a bitch did what to you?!”
>
>You're probably going to shoot me, but I swear to
>you I heard the theme music to "Raiders of the Lost
>Ark" right then!
LOL!! Love it!
>
>>Valerie flinched from Daniel’s angry shout and felt
>>worse when she saw him recoil as he realized he’d
>>startled her. POV switch
Got it. I was trying to convey that she figured out what he was thinking, but then again, she's not psychic.
>
>>
>>Valerie’s head was pounding like a bass drum. That
>sentence seems out of place here, since...well, we
>already know that, and Nessa can't actually see
>Val's head throb. Did I shift to Nessa's POV and not realize it? I'll make it clearer.
Nessa
>>nodded as if she had reached a decision.
>>
>>“Valerie, go get your stuff. You’re coming back to the
>>house with us.
>>
>>“No I’m not.”
>>
>>Alan decided to assert himself. POV switch. A
>little rewording could keep it in if we see it through
>Valerie's eyes/thoughts. Damn, I'm doing that a lot...
“Yes you are.” He
>>reached for Valerie’s hand and she snatched it away.
>>
>>“Stop treating me like I’m a simple-minded child! I
>>just want to be left alone.”
>>
>>Nessa sighed. “You’re just upset—“
>>
>>Valerie snorted without mirth. “You’re damn skippy I’m
>>upset! My drunk ex-husband drove five hours to attack
>>me, both physically and emotionally. And my own family
>>is treating me like I’m incapable of doing anything on
>>my own.”
> You flippin' tell 'em, Valerie! If it were me I'd
>be mad as hell at this point. She's a grown woman,
>but her family is treating her like a junior high
>school girl. I don't remember reading where Valerie's
>divorce caused her to completely go off the deep end
>and have to be institutionalized, but they're treating
>her like she might do something foolish. I mean, I
>know they love her, but...Now see what a good job
>you're doing here? I'm all up in arms about that
>because you've done such a bang-up job writing it!
No, she was never that bad off. Vic's the worst at being overprotective, but they are all guilty. Valerie feels like she's a little bit of the family screwup, but doesn't like it when her family acts that way too. Not that I blame her...
>>Alan ignored her demand and gave Daniel a grateful
>>glance. “Thank you for being here. I hate to think
>>what would have happened if you hadn’t intervened.”
>Oooh. He's doing it again. *G*
>
>>Valerie sighed in exasperation. “I kneed Ben in
>>the balls, Daniel made sure he left.”
>>
>>Alan and Nessa both looked at Daniel and Valerie’s
>>temper exploded. “Don’t look to him for confirmation!
>>Do you think I’m lying about it now?!”
>God, I hate it when people do that! Very
>nice!
TY!
>
>>
>>“What?!” She spun toward them, glowering. Her family
>>stared at her as if she’d grown four heads and Alan
>>shook his head and sighed. “Just be careful, okay?”
>You've got two different people speaking in the
>same paragraph. Needs a break before Alan.
Ugh! And the hits just keep on coming...;-)
>
>>“I would have glossed over some details, maybe.” She
>>glanced down the driveway where the van had
>>disappeared and frowned. “By tomorrow evening, the
>>Roark family jungle drum network Bwahaha!!
>will have reached its
>>full capacity and I’ll have a dozen or more messages
>>on my voice mail, from my dad, my Aunt Jill, from my
>>cousin Amanda. They’ll all start with ‘Hi Valerie, I
>>heard what happened, I’m so sorry,’ and then they’ll
>>diverge. ‘You should have him arrested’, ‘you should
>>have him assassinated’, an idea I’m not completely
>>opposed to in principle, mind you, ‘the very same
>>thing happened to my neighbor and he came back and
>>shot her’,Lord have mercy, whoever will say that
>must live in my town! Mine too... it just never ends.”
>>
>
>You said you thought it needed something. The only
>thing I can think of is perhaps being a little more
>privy to Valerie's thought processes. You do a great
>job of showing her frustrations and anger, but you
>might think about adding in more about what prompts
>it. The dialogue is superb (as always!) but since
>this is Valerie's POV, maybe a little more of her
>inner -oh, what's the word I'm looking for? And I
>write books! - can't think of it, but I hope you know
>what I mean. Man, that was helpful, wasn't it?
>*sheepish grin*
>
>Hugs,
>Page
LOL Page! I know what you mean. We need to know why she's getting so angry with them, all of them, including Daniel. I moved this up in the story to not long after they've met, so they aren't friends yet, not really. I'm thinking, with his background of always being the man in the family, even with his mum (she raised him alone) that he's extending that manly protection to Valerie, even if she doesn't want it. She needs to let him know, all of them really, that she's capable of taking care of herself. And she is.;-)
Thanks again!
Debi
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