>>>The sun flirted with the clouds the rest of the
>>>afternoon but finally lost the game, the sky getting
>>>darker
>>Untill here I thought it was just a description of
>>a not so cloudles sunset. Maybe it is clear in the
>>complet context, but as an exerpt I stumbled here.
I'll look into it and make sure it's clear.
>>and more threatening. They got back into the
>>>car and began heading back the forty-five miles to
>>>Hilton Head. Valerie wasn’t too worried; she knew
>>>Daniel wouldn’t endanger her to get them home. But he
>>>became more distressed the darker the sky became. A
>>>few fat drops of rain splattered the windshield as
>>>they parked. He opened the laptop and checked the
>>>weather. A sigh gusted out of him as he closed the
>>>computer.
>>I think I maybe would leave out the "checked the
>>waether" here as it is dublicated in the following
>>sentence. Maybe a bit more of his worries here
>>instead, raised browes, or a darkening face, or some
>>description like that. Just an Idea.
Good catch, another detail to fix.
>>>
>>>“Valerie, I’m so sorry. I checked the weather before
>>>we left this morning and this wasn’t supposed to
>>>happen.”
>>>
>>>A small snort escaped him before he could stop it. “I
>>>honestly didn’t mean to strand us here.” He sighed,
>>>reaching for the ignition to start the car again. “I
>>>guess we’d better get started.”
>>Get startet where? Or how? Soon, maybe. I simply
>>don't get what he wants to do here.
I need to make it more clear that he was prepared to drive her home that night. Thanks.
>>>
>>>Valerie shook her head. “Won’t the weather clear up?”
>>>
>>>She shrugged with a smile. “Someplace I can sleep
>>>works for me. Actually, someplace cheap that I can
>>>afford—“
>>I would leave out the "cheap" als I think Valerie
>>is quite a proud person, and Daniel should know enough
>>of her by now to place a simple "afford".
Good point!
>>>
>>>“Welcome to the Paramount Palms. How may I help you?”
>>Oh dear one of those service robots :D
Worse, an old-fashioned self-righteous service robot that wants to impose her ideas on morals on everyone she sees. Yes, there are still people like this in the Southern US.
>>>“I’m so sorry, it’s a king bed.” Melba glanced away
>>>from the computer screen to them and back again,
>>>perhaps anticipating an attack of conscience on their
>>>part for so obviously planning a night of wanton
>>>fornication in her fair establishment and deciding
>>>against booking the final room for the night.
>>Ok, this might just be me with english not being my
>>mother language, but that sentence is far to
>>intricated for me to stay in the flow. The whole
>>paragraph is mostly one sentence! Plus I don't get the
>>"planning" here, as they (outwardly) made every
>>sugestion (asking for double) to appear harmless.
Ooh, you're right; that is one looonngg sentance. Will fix that. But Melba would still assume that he's a married man fooling around, no matter what sort of excuse/story/justification they had, even a signed note from their mothers' wouldn't help such a narrowminded biddy.
>>I like the scene with the focus on Melba, but I
>>keep waiting for the moment Valerie is able to release
>>that amusement.
I can do that!
>>>
>>>“I can buy my own toothpaste and pajamas.”
>>pAjamas? My dictionary agrees, but it does look
>>strange for me.
The spelling? US normal. In the UK I think it's 'pyjamas'.
>>>
>>>Turning back to smile up at him, she murmured, “I’m
>>>not done yet,” and stepped away.
>>Not sure if I would smile here where I in her
>>position.
>>>
It was meant as a sarcastic smile. I'll fix that too.
>>Nice intermezzo! And I can so relate to Val here, I
>>hate if I am not allowed to decide myself. I had an ex
>>who didn't even let me buy my own sandwich, drove me
>>nuts!!! (actually one of the reasons it didn't work
>>out ;) And than with Vals background of her former
>>husband and family deciding so much for her... Very
>>dangerous grounds Daniel stepped on here!
>>But I love the peaks we get in her head, so neat to
>>get tha view too ;)
Thank you! Daniel has a few things to learn about her, certainly. He'll figure it out eventually, he's a smart man.
