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Date Posted: 08:39:57 11/07/09 Sat
Author: Debi
Subject: More Molly
I'll just keep up my once-weekly with this since I'm plugging along on NaNo until I'm done.
This is the very beginning. I decided to let Molly describe herself. It's probably too much detail and it sure as hell needs a lot of work, but this is NaNoWriMo, right? Editing is what December is for. But I can help myself; I'm a born editor and tweakage is my calling. So, Molly's debut follows.
Excerpt from Downtown Babylon, copyright 2009 by Debi Matlack; all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and crtitique purposes only; does not constitute publication.
****************
Molly tripped over the dog, lying outside her bedroom door. It was his habit to lie there, between her and the bar downstairs and she should have figured it out by now. Still groggy after arising at ten AM, the rude jolt of her big toe impacting Declan’s spine did nothing for her irascible morning disposition.
“Get out of the way, nasty beast!”
The Irish wolfhound’s only response was to groan, lift his head to give her a long-suffering stare and collapse to his side again. He seemed to be of the opinion that she should watch where she was going.
“Don’t know why I keep you, worthless dog. Always in the way, shit like an elephant, eat like one too, you stink, shed acres of hair and will probably be dead before you’re seven.” Redirecting her trajectory around the immobile canine lump and into the bathroom, Molly left a trail of nightclothes on the floor, turned the shower on to preheat and surveyed herself in the mirror.
Dark circles resided beneath her bleary hazel eyes, at this moment leaning toward the green end of the spectrum because of the reddened scleras. A little Visine and makeup would take care of that. Peaches and cream skin, with a light dusting of freckles across the bridge of her nose, reminded her of the oblivious years before the sun was the enemy, though it had always been to her, turning her skin tomato-red and blistering in her quest to become as tan as her friends.
Standing back to take stock of the rest of her body in the mirror, she lifted her breasts, only to let them fall again. Never used for their biologically intended purpose, they were merely decorative these days, though there was damn little displaying of them either anymore. Still, they weren’t sagging too badly yet, never having been of any great size. Her ribs were covered with a layer of padding, though her belly remained reasonably flat. Hips swelled beyond, though she had the flattest ass known in five continents. Must have been all those years of riding horses; just pounded the life right out of it.
Her fingers found the hairband that held the end of the braid and pulled it free. Back to her face in the mirror, she looked closer at her hair, giving particular attention to the roots. The grey lock at her right brow was starting to show again; she’d better set aside some time to remedy that situation. A nice golden brown might do the trick this time. After all these years, she knew that the color on the box wouldn’t even faintly resemble the result on her head. Her natural haircolor was a nondescript medium mousy brown and over the years, she’d run the gamut between strawberry blonde to almost black, though the dark colors tended to make her look sick and pale.
Steam from the shower wafted across the mirror, obscuring her view and she took it as a cue to get on with things. Showering with economy and speed, she was back out again within five minutes. Makeup on and hair slicked into its customary braid, she was soon ready for the world. And, in a miraculous turn of events, Declan had heaved himself to his feet and awaited her, tail wagging, lifting his head to lick her face.
“Morning, Lumphead.” With a pat on his head, she maneuvered around him and dressed, choosing a purple satin matching set of bra and panties, then pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt over them, the slogan on the front stating “If it requires a blender, we’re out of that.” Her clothes were almost never feminine in any way; she indulged herself with the fancy underthings to remind herself that she was a woman. There were some days when it helped to have that reminder.
Cell phone, wallet and keys in her pocket, she followed Declan’s hairy butt downstairs where she started a pot of coffee and turned on the lights in the kitchen. He stood whining at the back door and she sighed.
“It’s all about you, isn’t it, like any selfish male.” Still, she got his leash down and clipped it to his collar, then unlocked the door. The space between the buildings was pretty clean; she kept hers neat and it had shamed the other business owners along the street to follow suit. She always had a look around before coming out into the alley. Sometimes homeless people slept behind the buildings. Molly didn’t begrudge them the space, but unless it was someone she was familiar with, she remained cautious.
The alley opened to a large vacant lot kitty-corner across the pavement and she headed that way. Once they reached the grass, Declan was freed to go about his business. He romped for a few moments, then took care of business, coming back to her so she could re-secure him with the leash.
At the end of the alley they turned left, stopping at the intersection of Broad and Bay Streets. On the opposite corner to the right, stood Emiliana’s Diner. The site had been in business in one form or another as long as Molly could remember. Not only did it serve the standard diner fare, it also had the best Cuban food to be found in the state, at least anywhere Molly had sampled. Traffic was pretty light this time of morning so Molly and Declan were able to cross unscathed. A bicycle rack served as hitching post for the dog; a spigot on the wall was already equipped with a large steel bowl. Molly filled it and moved it within Declan’s reach before going inside.
“Morning, Ana,” she called as the bell announced her presence. The counter was well-populated with customers, mostly Navy retirees and locals.
Ana smiled a greeting as she warmed up Chief Lawson’s coffee cup. “Molly, I’ve told you Declan doesn’t have to stay outside. He’s better behaved than most of my regular customers anyway.”
The Cuban girl’s remark elicited several protests along the counter and surrounding tables. Nodding at the ruckus, Ana said, “See what I mean?”
Molly grinned, nodding to several of the patrons, many of whom she’d see later that afternoon or evening in her own place of business. “I’m just stopping for a minute, besides, with this old building I know it’s hard enough meeting health code standards without adding dog hair to the mix.”
“True that.” Ana handed over a paper sack; Molly handed over the exact amount for her breakfast.
As she turned to go, one of the younger men, sitting with a woman and little girl, called out to her. “Hey Molly? You planning on having live music again anytime soon?”
Shrugging, she shook her head. “Don’t have anything planned. You volunteering, Tim?”
The woman at the table laughed. “You don’t want Tim to sing if you want to keep your customers.” Tim blushed, raising his brows at his wife’s comment.
“No, I’m not. It’s just been awhile since Gil’s been around. My folks were coming down for Laura’s birthday and I know they’d enjoy a night out too.”
At the name, Molly felt her heart thump; one, two, three. The emotion didn’t reach her face though. “Haven’t heard from Gil in months. Last I heard he was wallowing out some music festivals out Texas or Oklahoma someplace. Working on a new cd too, I hear.”
“That’s a shame. We’ll bring the folks out to see you, though. They always like your place.”
“Thanks Tim.” The bell jangled on her way out and she sighed once outside, away from the eyes and ears of the diner’s clientele. She collected the dog and turned right, heading back down to block to eat her breakfast, get some air and ponder anew the nature of her relationship, or lack thereof, with Gil Freeman.
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*sigh* Someone shoot me please... -- Debi, 08:45:16 11/07/09 Sat
I'm a dumbass. I need a keeper to prevent this from happening Every Single Time.
*sigh*
And still no word from Voy Forums, even though I've tried to contact them about getting my editing priviledges. *knockknockknock* Did the Internet eat my email?
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It's that whole bill-paying thing. Destroys more brain cells than a bottle of Ripple >>>> -- 
Page, 13:20:46 11/08/09 Sun
Stay on Voy's ass about it, though. I think they're a little overwhelmed at how busy their boards are, and get too excited about new servers and things like that, but that doesn't excuse not replying to you. Sic 'em, girl! *G*
I think you did a bang up job with this piece! Molly came to life vividly, and without it ending up as an info dump. And not only Molly, but her surroundings, too. I also like the way Gil was incorporated in here, the mention of him being a musician, and Molly's reaction letting me know that whatever it is between them is complicated. (Declan is also wonderful, ignoring Molly's mutterings, knowing she doesn't mean a word of it. Dogs are wonderful creatures!)
Hugs,
Page
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Now, why would we want to shoot ya when you give us such good grins every so often. -- susiej, 10:56:57 11/09/09 Mon
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now as for Molly>>> -- susiej, 11:12:49 11/09/09 Mon
It's a great beginning full of character and atmosphere and as Paige said a nice slip in of the love interest. It does need some tightening, but you know that. The most glaring to me was a repeat of the idea and the actual word of years in one of the sentences toward the beginning. And the phrasing of the sentence about her choice of dress-most of the time, she never, etc. etc- got a little wordy.
And it may be a tad too much physical description all at once. But perhaps that justs my taste- I don't feel the need to know exactly how a character looks, not right away certainly. Even when DG goes into Jamie's knife edged nose a tad too long and generous mouth- I tend to glaze over, but others like it. And some of the details gave us good background- no kids, riding, likes to change her hair color- stuff like that, so that's probably what you'd want to hang on to.
Really great start! I'm so psyched/proud you're doing the Nano and I can live vicariously through you.
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Thank you susiej! -- Debi, 19:38:16 11/09/09 Mon
>It's a great beginning full of character and
>atmosphere and as Paige said a nice slip in of the
>love interest. It does need some tightening, but you
>know that. The most glaring to me was a repeat of the
>idea and the actual word of years in one of the
>sentences toward the beginning. And the phrasing of
>the sentence about her choice of dress-most of the
>time, she never, etc. etc- got a little wordy.
>
>And it may be a tad too much physical description all
>at once. But perhaps that justs my taste- I don't feel
>the need to know exactly how a character looks, not
>right away certainly. Even when DG goes into Jamie's
>knife edged nose a tad too long and generous mouth- I
>tend to glaze over, but others like it. And some of
>the details gave us good background- no kids, riding,
>likes to change her hair color- stuff like that, so
>that's probably what you'd want to hang on to.
>
>Really great start! I'm so psyched/proud you're doing
>the Nano and I can live vicariously through you.
Well, I am trying to hit 50,000 words...*wink* But you're right, it can use some tightening up. I was looking for a way to give readers an idea of what she looked like and the setting. I'll work on it after NaNo is over. Thankis for the comments and ideas.
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i like it -- dea, 10:15:22 11/10/09 Tue
you keep the flow in this one. it's easy to read and gets the background in smoothly. keep it coming!
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Thank you dea! -- Debi, 13:19:47 11/10/09 Tue
I'm finding the differences between Molly and Valerie and trying to play them up. At the beginning it was too close to the other story, sounded similar. That could part of why I chose to describe her immediately, just to emphasize that difference to myself.
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