>>The sun flirted with the clouds the rest of the
>>afternoon but finally lost the game, the sky getting
>>darker
>Untill here I thought it was just a description of
>a not so cloudles sunset. Maybe it is clear in the
>complet context, but as an exerpt I stumbled here.
>and more threatening. They got back into the
>>car and began heading back the forty-five miles to
>>Hilton Head. Valerie wasn’t too worried; she knew
>>Daniel wouldn’t endanger her to get them home. But he
>>became more distressed the darker the sky became. A
>>few fat drops of rain splattered the windshield as
>>they parked. He opened the laptop and checked the
>>weather. A sigh gusted out of him as he closed the
>>computer.
>I think I maybe would leave out the "checked the
>waether" here as it is dublicated in the following
>sentence. Maybe a bit more of his worries here
>instead, raised browes, or a darkening face, or some
>description like that. Just an Idea.
>>
>>“Valerie, I’m so sorry. I checked the weather before
>>we left this morning and this wasn’t supposed to
>>happen.”
>>
>>Rolling the window down, she glanced over at him. His
>>brow was furrowed, the slight cleft in his chin more
>>prominent now with tension. Cool rain-scented wind
>>came through the window in gusts, the odd drop of
>>precipitation hitting her face. Maybe a bit of levity
>>was in order.
>>
>>“Is this the aviation equivalent of ‘Whoops, we’re out
>>of gas.’?”
>Took me a moment to get this right, but I really
>like it!
>>
>>A small snort escaped him before he could stop it. “I
>>honestly didn’t mean to strand us here.” He sighed,
>>reaching for the ignition to start the car again. “I
>>guess we’d better get started.”
>Get startet where? Or how? Soon, maybe. I simply
>don't get what he wants to do here.
>>
>>Valerie shook her head. “Won’t the weather clear up?”
>>
>>He gave her a curious look. “It will. The report said
>>clearing overnight. If this one isn’t lying.”
>>
>>“Then why can’t we fly back in the morning? I don’t
>>have anywhere I have to be tomorrow.”
>>
>>His look turned speculative and his brows shot
>>skyward. “Are you trying to seduce me?”
>>
>>It was her turn to snort. In all honesty, it wouldn’t
>>be the first time she’d thought about ripping off his
>>clothes and having her way with him. However, acting
>>on that impulse was not part of the master plan.
>Lol, she has a master plan? Love that as live never
>tends to follow those. *bg*
>“Not
>>at all. Just trying to make suggestions that will get
>>us and your plane back home.” Still, the idea of being
>>alone with him in a hotel room held some appeal. Quite
>>a lot actually. Especially with the wind whipping his
>>hair over his forehead, flattening his shirt against
>>his chest. Valerie reined her disobedient thoughts in
>>with an iron grip. That way lies madness… and
>>returned to the business at hand. Of course, they
>>could get separate rooms. However, their ranges of
>>affordability were probably nowhere close to each
>>other.
>>
>>“So we need to find someplace to stay then.”
>>
>>With a nod, Daniel turned the ignition and started the
>>car.
> Was his hand howering over the ignition the whole
>time? because he reached for ot a few paragraphes
>before. Maybe a half sentence like "He let his hand
>drop and..." insertet somewhere before would make that
>clear. Here I was wondering .oO(didn't he do that
>before the discussion?)
>The lights of a couple of hotels could be seen
>>nearby in the gathering gloom. After he had reversed
>>and turned the car back toward the road, he looked at
>>her and smiled. “So, would you like a room where we
>>can watch the storm coming in? It’s heading in right
>>off the Atlantic.”
>>
>>She shrugged with a smile. “Someplace I can sleep
>>works for me. Actually, someplace cheap that I can
>>afford—“
>I would leave out the "cheap" als I think Valerie
>is quite a proud person, and Daniel should know enough
>of her by now to place a simple "afford".
>>
>>“I’m providing the accommodations, no argument. And
>>I’d prefer not to contract Bubonic Plague or beri beri
>>from the loo or the sheets.”
>>
>>“Okay, someplace without fleas and with a supply of
>>vitamins.”
>>
>>“What the devil do vitamins have to do with anything?”
>Love that confusion I imagine on his face here!
>>
>>“Beri beri… thiamine deficiency… never mind. You’re
>>the man with a plan.” The wind lifted a strand of hair
>>and draped it across her nose. Pushing it away, she
>>looked out at the turbulent sky. “I do like the beach
>>at night.”
>>
>>They found a hotel on the beach that had a nice view
>>of the ocean and surrounding marshes. The glass doors,
>>etched with sea oats and dunes, opened onto a generous
>>lobby with sand-colored tiles on the floor and
>>furniture that Valerie always thought of as ‘Modern
>>Beach Hotel’ style. A heavyset woman with a name badge
>>that read ‘Melba’ stood behind the reception counter
>>and she broke into a wide smile as they approached.
>>
>>“Welcome to the Paramount Palms. How may I help you?”
>Oh dear one of those service robots :D
>>Her voice was broad with the low-country dialect and
>>Valerie smiled, her own local dialect bubbling to the
>>surface.
>>
>>“We’d like a room for the night.”
>>
>>Daniel slipped around her, foiling her plan of trying
>>to pay for at least part of the room or rooms,
>>depending on how it worked out.
>>
>>“Well, y’all are just in time, we have just one room
>>left.” The receptionist’s smile faltered when she saw
>>the ring on Daniel’s left hand and the lack of one on
>>Valerie’s. Her eyes darted from one to the other, a
>>faint air of disapproval surrounding her.
>>
>>“It wouldn’t happen to be a double, would it?” Daniel
>>met the woman’s gaze with a steady one of his own,
>>Valerie biting her lips to suppress the quiet snort of
>>amusement.
>>
>>“I’m so sorry, it’s a king bed.” Melba glanced away
>>from the computer screen to them and back again,
>>perhaps anticipating an attack of conscience on their
>>part for so obviously planning a night of wanton
>>fornication in her fair establishment and deciding
>>against booking the final room for the night.
>Ok, this might just be me with english not being my
>mother language, but that sentence is far to
>intricated for me to stay in the flow. The whole
>paragraph is mostly one sentence! Plus I don't get the
>"planning" here, as they (outwardly) made every
>sugestion (asking for double) to appear harmless.
>>
>>“I suppose we’ll just have to make do then, won’t we?”
>>He slid his bank card across the counter.
>>
>>The woman’s brows drew together and she looked back
>>and forth between them even as she accepted the card
>>and charged for the room. “Mmm hmm.”
>>
>>Valerie met the speculative look without flinching,
>>even though she felt a strong urge to collapse into
>>helpless giggling. The old bat’s mind must have been
>>doing backflips. For that matter, Valerie’s was too.
>lol
>>Sharing a room had just become rock-solid reality and
>>her belly swung in unexpected anticipation. Get a
>>grip on yourself, for cryin’ out loud. Don’t be such a
>>twit.
>>
>>Daniel signed the credit receipt and accepted the key,
>>his face betraying no discomfiture whatsoever in the
>>face of the receptionist’s thinly veiled disapproval
>>and Valerie’s quiet hyperventilation. He half turned
>>away from the desk, then turned back, his head cocked
>>in query.
>>
>>“Is there a store nearby where we can buy a few
>>necessities? I’m afraid we’re stranded without any
>>overnight things.”
>Great! That casulness towards Melba cracked me
>up.
>>
>>Gathering her composure with a visible effort, Melba
>>pointed to the road in front of the hotel. “If you go
>>along that road and take your second right, it’ll take
>>you right to Wal-Mart.”
>I like the scene with the focus on Melba, but I
>keep waiting for the moment Valerie is able to release
>that amusement.
>>
>>Once inside the store, Valerie tried to slip away so
>>she could go through the cashier’s line without
>>Daniel, fully intending to pay for her own things.
>But? He
>>refused to let her lose him in the store. Her most
>>valiant attempts to distract him or vanish went
>>ignored and she gave up, convinced he was part
>>bloodhound.
>>
>>“I can buy my own toothpaste and pajamas.”
>pAjamas? My dictionary agrees, but it does look
>strange for me.
>>
>>“I know you are capable, but you don’t have to. Our
>>having to stay is my fault so I’m taking
>>responsibility for it.”
>>
>>“It’s not your fault a storm is coming.”
>>
>>“But I should have been more vigilant about the
>>changing weather.” He gave her a long look as they
>>stood in line, waiting their turn to pay. “You’re not
>>the only stubborn person here.” He reached for the
>>small bundle of stuff in her arms and she turned away
>>from him with a grin, clutching her packages tighter.
>>
>>“No, I’m not, but you still have to get them from me.”
>>
>>Daniel cocked his head at her and raised his brows.
>>“Oh, that’s not a problem. I like a challenge.” He
>>laid his items on the checkout belt and smiled before
>>stepping behind her and wrapping his arms around her,
>>one hand on each of her wrists. Without apparent
>>effort, he maneuvered her to the belt, then pulled her
>>arms apart, dumping her things with his. His warm
>>proximity took her by surprise and she slammed her
>>mental door shut on any wayward thoughts and
>>temptations, very aware of how public they were.
>>Unable to do anything about his arms and hands, and
>>not really wanting to, Valerie still wanted to express
>>her displeasure at his overt assumption of control.
>>She stepped back onto his toes with both her heels and
>>all her weight. She didn’t expect much of a reaction;
>>he was much taller and heavier than she was. Not much
>>of a threat against a man who could navigate a
>>primordial swamp with nothing more than a big stick
>>and an incompetent companion,
>Lol
>but her action elicited
>>a soft grunt of surprise from him. His voice whispered
>>in her ear before he let her hands go.
>>
>>“Nice try.”
>>
>>Turning back to smile up at him, she murmured, “I’m
>>not done yet,” and stepped away.
>Not sure if I would smile here where I in her
>position.
>>
>>Their merchandise was being totaled and he already had
>>his card out. With a sigh, Valerie conceded the round
>>to him.
>
>Nice intermezzo! And I can so relate to Val here, I
>hate if I am not allowed to decide myself. I had an ex
>who didn't even let me buy my own sandwich, drove me
>nuts!!! (actually one of the reasons it didn't work
>out ;) And than with Vals background of her former
>husband and family deciding so much for her... Very
>dangerous grounds Daniel stepped on here!
>But I love the peaks we get in her head, so neat to
>get tha view too ;)
>>>The sun flirted with the clouds the rest of the
>>>afternoon but finally lost the game, the sky getting
>>>darker
>>Untill here I thought it was just a description of
>>a not so cloudles sunset. Maybe it is clear in the
>>complet context, but as an exerpt I stumbled here.
I'll look into it and make sure it's clear.
>>and more threatening. They got back into the
>>>car and began heading back the forty-five miles to
>>>Hilton Head. Valerie wasn’t too worried; she knew
>>>Daniel wouldn’t endanger her to get them home. But he
>>>became more distressed the darker the sky became. A
>>>few fat drops of rain splattered the windshield as
>>>they parked. He opened the laptop and checked the
>>>weather. A sigh gusted out of him as he closed the
>>>computer.
>>I think I maybe would leave out the "checked the
>>waether" here as it is dublicated in the following
>>sentence. Maybe a bit more of his worries here
>>instead, raised browes, or a darkening face, or some
>>description like that. Just an Idea.
Good catch, another detail to fix.
>>>
>>>“Valerie, I’m so sorry. I checked the weather before
>>>we left this morning and this wasn’t supposed to
>>>happen.”
>>>
>>>A small snort escaped him before he could stop it. “I
>>>honestly didn’t mean to strand us here.” He sighed,
>>>reaching for the ignition to start the car again. “I
>>>guess we’d better get started.”
>>Get startet where? Or how? Soon, maybe. I simply
>>don't get what he wants to do here.
I need to make it more clear that he was prepared to drive her home that night. Thanks.
>>>
>>>Valerie shook her head. “Won’t the weather clear up?”
>>>
>>>She shrugged with a smile. “Someplace I can sleep
>>>works for me. Actually, someplace cheap that I can
>>>afford—“
>>I would leave out the "cheap" als I think Valerie
>>is quite a proud person, and Daniel should know enough
>>of her by now to place a simple "afford".
Good point!
>>>
>>>“Welcome to the Paramount Palms. How may I help you?”
>>Oh dear one of those service robots :D
Worse, an old-fashioned self-righteous service robot that wants to impose her ideas on morals on everyone she sees. Yes, there are still people like this in the Southern US.
>>>“I’m so sorry, it’s a king bed.” Melba glanced away
>>>from the computer screen to them and back again,
>>>perhaps anticipating an attack of conscience on their
>>>part for so obviously planning a night of wanton
>>>fornication in her fair establishment and deciding
>>>against booking the final room for the night.
>>Ok, this might just be me with english not being my
>>mother language, but that sentence is far to
>>intricated for me to stay in the flow. The whole
>>paragraph is mostly one sentence! Plus I don't get the
>>"planning" here, as they (outwardly) made every
>>sugestion (asking for double) to appear harmless.
Ooh, you're right; that is one looonngg sentance. Will fix that. But Melba would still assume that he's a married man fooling around, no matter what sort of excuse/story/justification they had, even a signed note from their mothers' wouldn't help such a narrowminded biddy.
>>I like the scene with the focus on Melba, but I
>>keep waiting for the moment Valerie is able to release
>>that amusement.
I can do that!
>>>
>>>“I can buy my own toothpaste and pajamas.”
>>pAjamas? My dictionary agrees, but it does look
>>strange for me.
The spelling? US normal. In the UK I think it's 'pyjamas'.
>>>
>>>Turning back to smile up at him, she murmured, “I’m
>>>not done yet,” and stepped away.
>>Not sure if I would smile here where I in her
>>position.
>>>
It was meant as a sarcastic smile. I'll fix that too.
>>Nice intermezzo! And I can so relate to Val here, I
>>hate if I am not allowed to decide myself. I had an ex
>>who didn't even let me buy my own sandwich, drove me
>>nuts!!! (actually one of the reasons it didn't work
>>out ;) And than with Vals background of her former
>>husband and family deciding so much for her... Very
>>dangerous grounds Daniel stepped on here!
>>But I love the peaks we get in her head, so neat to
>>get tha view too ;)
Thank you! Daniel has a few things to learn about her, certainly. He'll figure it out eventually, he's a smart man.
