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Date Posted: 08:07:29 04/15/03 Tue
Author: Heidi
Subject: Martha, I have thought about this some more, and...
In reply to: marshun(Martha) 's message, "Ginger.....more" on 06:45:28 04/15/03 Tue

I have to say I completely agree with Ginger. Get a small apartment in Syracuse or live with a family member. Let dh go where he wants. Stay separated from him until you are confident (and it may never happen) that he will NOT use again. He has to get this fixed for himself.

This is going to sound harsh, but here goes.

I know you are trying to be loving to your dh, and as you say, "love him enough" to help him. It isn't going to happen. You are enabling him. You are helping him to DO it. Stop. Threats without follow-through do nothing. I have seen parents give idle threats to their children. The kids know the parents won't follow through with them, so they go right on misbehaving. Or, they stop for a minute to appease the parent, and then go back to it. Sound familiar?

You have to leave. Let him know you are serious. Anyone know if you can file for a legal separation, or how that works? He should be sending you support money, and you should be gone.

You say you can't work on your marriage from so far away. Well, he can't work on it with you there. So, there you go. You can work on it from a distance. Why, because he is the one who needs to do the work not you. It is his problem. You being there only promotes it, and lets it happen. We allow people to treat us this way. Your dh is getting away with it, and has no intention of stopping. Why? He knows you have no intention of leaving for good.

Again, sorry for the harshness. I hope you know that I care deeply about you and Nick and Betsy!

Big Hugs,

Heidi

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  • Martha, I have to agree with Heidi and Ginger....(m) -- fiwee, 09:16:01 04/15/03 Tue
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