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Date Posted: 09:16:01 04/15/03 Tue
Author: fiwee
Subject: Martha, I have to agree with Heidi and Ginger....(m)
In reply to: marshun(Martha) 's message, "Ginger.....more" on 06:45:28 04/15/03 Tue

Although I understood what you were feeling when you said you hoped you could love him enough to help him change, I agree with Heidi that that is not possible.

I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. But one thing stood out to me when I read your post: Not really understanding why it's so important to you for your kids to be geographically close to their father. That probably sounds funny coming from me, with what I'm going through right now, but hear me out. My FIL smoked pot, drank and did drugs through much of Donnie's childhood. His mom left him when Donnie was 5, and Donnie's contact with him was very limited. This will sound harsh, but I find myself thanking God every day that he wasn't around his father to see his example. I think in some cases an absent father is better for the kids than one who is modeling behavior like this. I don't think Donnie would be the man he is today if his father had been there to negatively influence him daily. Yes, there have been issues from his dad not being around, however, when I think of what life could've been like for Donnie, and how he might've turned out otherwise, it's much better this way.

I can understand wanting to see the good in him, and believing that he is good inside. Everyone has good parts and bad, but sometimes the bad so far outweighs the good that you just have to let them go for a while. What he is modeling for your kids, and your son especially, besides the drug use, is that it's ok for the woman to do all the work, for a man to lie around the house and sleep all day, etc. I know that you don't want Nick to turn out the same, and you don't want Betsy to grow up thinking that's the kind of man she has to settle for. They say the majority of a child's way of thinking is SET by age 5. I think you realize that now is the time to act, but it's so hard to take those steps away.

I am 100% into respecting the sanctity of marriage, but not when one spouse is so deeply hurting the rest of the family.

Know that we care about you and are just trying to encourage you to do what it sounds like you already know you have to do.

Hugs

Kari

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Replies:

  • Martha, I've been quiet on this whole issue but something in your post this time makes me have to speak up....(m) -- Pauline, 16:24:40 04/15/03 Tue
  • Pauline...I am so happy... -- Heidi, 21:57:54 04/15/03 Tue
  • Wow, that was powerful, Pauline. Martha, listen to her, she knows what she's talking about...(m) -- Chris's Mom, 23:40:45 04/15/03 Tue
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