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Date Posted: 18:12:38 10/28/05 Fri
Author: Sophist
Subject: Re: I have rewatched the scene
In reply to: Sunshine 's message, "I have rewatched the scene" on 17:25:14 10/28/05 Fri

He doesn’t really demand that she consider Riley the guy, he says “If he is the guy” then consider what you are doing.

I think it's much more than that. The sequence goes basically like this:

Xander approaches her while she's in a state of serious emotional distress and (obviously) not thinking all that clearly.

He then says, in order, the following (minor editing):

Xander: No? Good, so you and Riley *aren't* imploding? (Buffy turns to face him in surprise) It doesn't take a genius. What I can't figure out is how you never saw it coming.
Buffy: What? Who told you?
Xander: Nobody told me anything, Buffy. It was right in front of my Xander face. The guy would do anything for you.
Buffy: The guy got himself bit by a vampire! (Xander is surprised) He lied to me. He ran around behind my back and almost got himself killed! And now he tells me that he's leaving with some covert military operation at midnight unless *I* convince him not to. Now tell me that you understand. Because I sure as hell don't.
Xander: You gonna let him go?
Buffy: (sighs) It's not my decision to make.
Xander: Of course it is.
Buffy: Well, it's not fair.
Xander: Who cares if it's fair? In about twenty minutes, Riley's gonna disappear, maybe forever, unless you do something to stop him.
Buffy: What am I supposed to do? Beg him to stay?
Xander: (in disbelief) Why wouldn't you? To keep Riley here-
Buffy: I don't even know who he is any more. I mean, I thought he was ... dependable.
Xander: Dependable? What is he, State Farm?
Buffy: You know what I mean.
Xander: Yeah. I think you mean convenient. I think you took it for granted that he was gonna show up when you wanted him to, and take off when you didn't.
***
Xander: But you miss the point. You shut down, Buffy. And you've been treating Riley like the rebound guy. When he's the one that comes along once in a lifetime. (Buffy looks dismayed) He's never held back with you. He's risked everything. And you're about to let him fly because you don't like ultimatums?

Buffy's eyes begin to water as Xander's words finally get through.

I see this sequence not as one which lays before Buffy a free and open opportunity to examine her feelings, but an intimidation process in which Xander tells her the "right" answer and only then says she should decide:

1. He puts the onus on her instead of Riley.
2. He tells her she should have seen it coming.
3. He makes no response to Riley's betrayal.
4. He insists that it's her decision (when actually it's just as much Riley's).
5. He tells her to beg Riley to stay.
6. He tells her she treated Riley badly.
7. He tells her Riley is the one in a lifetime.
8. He tells her that she should "decide" if she can love Riley.

If that's not emotional abuse, I don't know what is. Buffy was emotionally vulnerable, yet Xander made no effort to find out why, he just started off telling her she was in the wrong wrt Riley. After reiterating that it was her fault, he tells her Riley is "the one". Only then does he offer her the "choice" of begging Riley to stay. I hope none of my friends ever helps me like this.

As for whether he was sincere to Anya, I'm less sure. He very likely was in one sense -- he meant it at the time. But to me, true sincerity means acting consistently with those sentiments thereafter, which Xander manifestly didn't do. If changing sincerities leaves him still sincere, I guess then he was.

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