<b>Opening scene</b> feedback -- The Beta Board

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Date Posted: 15:05:23 04/28/03 Mon
Author: O-Bug
Subject: Opening scene feedback
In reply to: Shanola 's message, "Focus- Part 1 (or should that be Out of Focus??*snark*)" on 21:56:24 04/27/03 Sun

Shanola, I think you titled the story well. Focus was indeed at the heart of Michael and Nikita�s struggle, and I think you showed both of them straining to maintain it well.

I�m going to provide my feedback in bits. It�ll be easier that way for all of us, I think. I�ve scanned the story quickly, then read it, and I�ll be going through it a third time as I make comments throughout. Hopefully by the time I get to the end, I�ll be able to nail where you think your lack of focus is and help you come up with a way to tighten it.

My initial thought is that you may have focused too much on fringe characters and torture, to the exclusion of the terrible internal battle M and N faced throughout. I�ll point out the reasons why I feel this way as I move along in the story, as well as trying to provide help where I can.

I like the clever and gut-wrenching premise of this story, and I definitely think it�s worth reworking.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Michael heard the voice cutting through the darkness long before his vision cleared. Great sentence; short, yet wonderfully descriptive.

"I see you found him. Very good. How much did it cost us?" My first thought here was MONEY. You might want reword to WHO or HOW MANY for clarity.

Then another voice, "Five. He got Roberts. "
How does the second voice differ from the first? Since Michael�s trained to pick up on these kind of details, it might add depth to show him noticing the differences in pitch and tone, maybe even in personality, between the two voices. Anything to keep you, as the writer, from saying "first voice" and "second voice".

The first voice sounded mildly surprised, "Roberts? Well, well! I am impressed" I�d suggest a period after the word IMPRESSED, and a new paragraph for Michael�s thought.

Before him, Michael could make out gray shapes emerging from the dark. A pair of black boots made themselves visible
Boots cannot make themselves visible, but I think I know what you�re trying to do � to show how Michael seeing images in a disjointed kind of way. My suggestion is to reword this from Michael�s POV � that he sees boots materializing from out of nowhere, or out of the dark, etc.

just before a hand grasped his chin and forced his head up. Michael lifted his eyes to where the man's face should be, trying to see his features.
Does he see the man�s face, then? Since you mentioned trying to see where the man�s face should be, I�m waiting to see the person who has Michael in his clutches.

I got the impression that Michael�s awaking from being drugged. Do you think from what we know of Michael as an operative that he would be aware of this, that he would retain some sort of memory, even if it�s just the barest slip, of how he came to be where he is?

Is Michael tied or chained up? Although I assume Morgan is standing, I�m having a hard time seeing him lift M�s face up since I cannot see what Michael�s position is.

I�d also suggest making Morgan�s dialogue here a new paragraph. A great way to keep things tense is with short paragraphs. They�re also easier to read. "Michael," the man said and Michael

This is a slight nitpick, but I�m going to point it out anyway. In a scene involving two people (in this scene, the other players aren�t identified), names are not as necessary. If they�re used too often, they�re distracting, IMO. One way to get around the use of the word �Michael� so often is to focus on what Michael is seeing, feeling, smelling, and hearing so readers understand anything happening action-wise is to Michael by Morgan. But since Michael probably doesn�t know who Morgan is at the moment, how do you think Michael is identifying this man? Find a name for him and you solve half the problem.

could just make out a smile on the other man's lips, "Welcome to our game. I am afraid you won't find it as much fun as we will, but I'm sure you can appreciate my desire for a challenge. " Dropping Michael's head, the man turned and barked an order, "Chain him! To the wall, my dear fellows, to the wall!" and he began to laugh.
This is one heck of a jovial bad guy, eh? But you�ve got my knees knocking for Michael. So good job!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This is all I have for you today. Please let me know what you think of what I�ve suggested so far. I didn�t intend to say so much on the opening scene, but things ballooned. Do you feel that I am off-base or on track (so far) with what you hoped to accomplish in this story?

O-Bug

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[> [> [> You are doing fine. -- Shanola, 21:06:22 04/28/03 Mon

I don't mind what you've said so far. I'm curious to see what else you have to say. Please continue.*g*

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