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Date Posted: 21:56:24 04/27/03 Sun
Author: Shanola
Subject: Focus- Part 1 (or should that be Out of Focus??*snark*)
In reply to: Shanola 's message, "This is a test" on 21:49:09 04/27/03 Sun

Michael heard the voice cutting through the darkness long before his vision cleared. "I see you found him. Very good. How much did it cost us?"

Then another voice, "Five. He got Roberts. "

The first voice sounded mildly surprised, "Roberts? Well, well! I am impressed" Before him, Michael could make out gray shapes emerging from the dark. A pair of black boots made themselves visible just before a hand grasped his chin and forced his head up. Michael lifted his eyes to where the man's face should be, trying to see his features. "Michael," the man said and Michael could just make out a smile on the other man's lips, "Welcome to our game. I am afraid you won't find it as much fun as we will, but I'm sure you can appreciate my desire for a challenge. " Dropping Michael's head, the man turned and barked an order, "Chain him! To the wall, my dear fellows, to the wall!" and he began to laugh.

************

"Hey, Walter," Nikita smiled as she leaned against the wall, hands in the front pockets of her white jeans.

Walter smiled and looked up from the comm unit he was working over, "Hi, sugar. Come to take me up on my latest offer?"

Nikita laughed, looking down and shaking her head. Her smile faded as she raised her eyes. "Walter, have you seen Michael?"

Walter looked surprised. "Not today, I haven't. Why? You think he can give you something I can't?" Nikita pushed herself away from the wall and sauntered over to Walter's table.

"Now why would I think that?" She propped her chin on her hands as she rested her elbows on the table. Walter eyed the way Nikita's hips thrust out behind her, the jeans conforming tautly to her backside. He looked into her wide blue eyes to find her laughing at him, and smiled again.

"I have no idea. You .' Walter stopped abruptly as Birkhoff bounced into the room.

"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office", he said quickly. Then he turned and was gone. Nikita had no doubt he was in a hurry. He was always in a hurry just before a mission. Sighing, Nikita stood and turned, throwing one last smile over her shoulder as she left Walter to his work. As she made her way to Madeline, she passed by Michael's office. The door was open but the room was empty. Nikita stopped briefly at the window, looking for any trace that he had been there recently. She found none. Continuing on, she let her thoughts wander to Michael. Maybe he had a new recruit, or maybe he was working out himself. She frowned. Those were not things he normally did right before a briefing, but she could never tell what Michael was thinking or why he was doing something. She paused before punching her code into Madeline's security keypad, taking a few deep breaths and clearing Michael from her thoughts. Dealing with Michael was one thing, but Madeline! Madeline was another story requiring a different sort of energy and she wanted to be alert.

Madeline looked up from the computer screen as Nikita stepped through the door. She smiled. "Hello Nikita. Please come in and have a seat." Madeline turned and gestured to indicate one of the two chairs across from her desk. She watched, unsmiling, as the blonde operative warily made her way down the steps and over to the chairs. Madeline turned back to the computer and keyed a sequence as Nikita sprawled herself into a chair. Fitting, Madeline thought and then, Good. She is learning to hide her unease. Madeline turned back to Nikita, studying the younger woman intently. "I wanted to speak with you about this mission. It will be very difficult for you. You can't let your guard down for an instant."

"Well, so far it sounds like every other mission I've been on.", Nikita insolently tossed out the words as she twisted a strand of long blonde hair.

Madeline inclined her head slightly toward the other woman. Well done, she thought, allowing a half smile. Then she carefully blanked her face for the next revelation. "You will be meeting with a man named Morgan. He specializes in extracting information. You may or may not be required to help him do so."

Nikita sat up straight, letting her hair fall from her fingers. "Extracting information. You want me to torture someone? Who?" Nikita narrowed her eyes, trying to read something from Madeline.

"Who, does not matter", Madeline said as she turned the computer monitor around for Nikita to see. "Morgan has something we want. He has agreed to sell this information to a woman named Josey Callahan, or JC, as she is known." Nikita could see JC on the screen. She was in the White Room, sitting very still in the lone chair. Madeline continued, turning back to study Nikita. "The price exchange involved JC's area of expertise, which is information retrieval. He is expecting her to offer suggestions. As you can see, you look a lot like JC."

"Won't Morgan know I'm not JC?" Nikita was very uneasy.

"No. They have never spoken, although Morgan does have a general description of JC. Tall, blonde, and athletic. The deal was set up through a third party who is no longer viable." Madeline's voice was even and business like as she watched Nikita's face form into a frown. She paused for a moment, choosing her next words carefully. "You will have to be creative, Nikita. I know this is not something you will enjoy, but it's necessary as well as unavoidable. " Madeline turned the screen away from Nikita. "You will have to be strong, Nikita."

"I will have to be you!", Nikita spat out the words, hating the fact that they were true.

Madeline stared at Nikita, unblinking. "The mission briefing will be in ten minutes. That will be all." Madeline turned back to the computer, clearly dismissing the younger woman.

Nikita stared at Madeline in disbelief. That will be all? Taking a breath to steady herself, Nikita said, "I don't know how to be creative when it comes to torture. I can't do this, Madeline. And you know it."

Madeline spoke without turning her gaze from the screen. "Use your emotions, Nikita. The rest will fall into place." She turned her head, dark eyes piercing into Nikita, "You will do this and you will do it well. You are dismissed." Madeline didn't raise her voice, but Nikita could feel the steel in the words. Knowing better than to argue at this point, she stood angrily and marched out of the office.

Madeline watched her go. This was going to be an extremely interesting mission.

************

As Nikita took a place at the briefing table, Madeline's words played themselves over in her mind. Use her emotions? I didn't think I was supposed to even have emotions, she thought. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Use her emotions! Don't let my guard down but use my emotions. This should be fun. Nikita looked over the where the older woman was taking her place at the table, trying to come up with any clue as to what she had meant by those words. Madeline gave nothing away. Nikita's thoughts continued to race as Operations stalked into the room.

Nikita sat up, her eyes following Operations jerky pacing as he began his speech. "I'll make this short and sweet. Nikita will meet with Morgan." Suddenly Operations stopped moving and stood studying the table. There was an empty chair. "Where the hell is Michael!" His annoyance was evident as he turned to Birkhoff. "You DID tell him to be here?"

Birkhoff looked at the older man. "Well, yeah. I gave him the folder last night, just before he left."

"Has he reported in today?" Operations directed the question to Walter.

Walter glanced over to Nikita before answering. "No. He gave me the inventory last night."

Nikita looked to Madeline. She sat coolly, hands folded on the table as she stared thoughtfully at the vacant chair.

Operations placed both hands on the table, leaning over it to make his anger felt. "This cannot be tolerated." His voice was clipped. "I want Michael found. Now." He looked to an operative standing against the wall as he spat out the last few words. "Do it." The operative silently left.

There was a moment of stunned silence. Nobody even seemed to breathe. Nikita took a breath, ready to defend Michael's absence somehow, when Madeline's smooth voice settled her into silence.

"I think that we shouldn't wait." She waited to continue until she had the full attention of Operations, then turned to meet his cold blue eyes with her own dark pair. "I'll coordinate this mission. It won't interfere with my other duties and we can continue uninterrupted."

Operations stared into Madeline's unflinching stare. "Good. Then we can get this over with. Nikita will meet with Morgan in two hours ."

Nikita listened as Operations outlined the rest of the mission, but she didn't really hear anything he said. Her eyes moved from Madeline to Operations, trying to understand what had just happened. Michael was missing and they were just going to go on?

She didn't realize the meeting was over until Madeline stopped by her chair. "Get moving, Nikita. You need to be wired or you'll be late."

Nikita looked up at Madeline. "Where is he, Madeline."

Madeline studied the young operative for a moment before answering. "I don't know, but he will be found. There are more urgent matters for you to focus on right now, Nikita. Remember that." She turned, then, and was gone.

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[> [> Opening scene feedback -- O-Bug, 15:05:23 04/28/03 Mon

Shanola, I think you titled the story well. Focus was indeed at the heart of Michael and Nikita’s struggle, and I think you showed both of them straining to maintain it well.

I’m going to provide my feedback in bits. It’ll be easier that way for all of us, I think. I’ve scanned the story quickly, then read it, and I’ll be going through it a third time as I make comments throughout. Hopefully by the time I get to the end, I’ll be able to nail where you think your lack of focus is and help you come up with a way to tighten it.

My initial thought is that you may have focused too much on fringe characters and torture, to the exclusion of the terrible internal battle M and N faced throughout. I’ll point out the reasons why I feel this way as I move along in the story, as well as trying to provide help where I can.

I like the clever and gut-wrenching premise of this story, and I definitely think it’s worth reworking.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Michael heard the voice cutting through the darkness long before his vision cleared. Great sentence; short, yet wonderfully descriptive.

"I see you found him. Very good. How much did it cost us?" My first thought here was MONEY. You might want reword to WHO or HOW MANY for clarity.

Then another voice, "Five. He got Roberts. "
How does the second voice differ from the first? Since Michael’s trained to pick up on these kind of details, it might add depth to show him noticing the differences in pitch and tone, maybe even in personality, between the two voices. Anything to keep you, as the writer, from saying "first voice" and "second voice".

The first voice sounded mildly surprised, "Roberts? Well, well! I am impressed" I’d suggest a period after the word IMPRESSED, and a new paragraph for Michael’s thought.

Before him, Michael could make out gray shapes emerging from the dark. A pair of black boots made themselves visible
Boots cannot make themselves visible, but I think I know what you’re trying to do – to show how Michael seeing images in a disjointed kind of way. My suggestion is to reword this from Michael’s POV – that he sees boots materializing from out of nowhere, or out of the dark, etc.

just before a hand grasped his chin and forced his head up. Michael lifted his eyes to where the man's face should be, trying to see his features.
Does he see the man’s face, then? Since you mentioned trying to see where the man’s face should be, I’m waiting to see the person who has Michael in his clutches.

I got the impression that Michael’s awaking from being drugged. Do you think from what we know of Michael as an operative that he would be aware of this, that he would retain some sort of memory, even if it’s just the barest slip, of how he came to be where he is?

Is Michael tied or chained up? Although I assume Morgan is standing, I’m having a hard time seeing him lift M’s face up since I cannot see what Michael’s position is.

I’d also suggest making Morgan’s dialogue here a new paragraph. A great way to keep things tense is with short paragraphs. They’re also easier to read.
"Michael," the man said and Michael

This is a slight nitpick, but I’m going to point it out anyway. In a scene involving two people (in this scene, the other players aren’t identified), names are not as necessary. If they’re used too often, they’re distracting, IMO. One way to get around the use of the word “Michael” so often is to focus on what Michael is seeing, feeling, smelling, and hearing so readers understand anything happening action-wise is to Michael by Morgan. But since Michael probably doesn’t know who Morgan is at the moment, how do you think Michael is identifying this man? Find a name for him and you solve half the problem.

could just make out a smile on the other man's lips, "Welcome to our game. I am afraid you won't find it as much fun as we will, but I'm sure you can appreciate my desire for a challenge. " Dropping Michael's head, the man turned and barked an order, "Chain him! To the wall, my dear fellows, to the wall!" and he began to laugh.
This is one heck of a jovial bad guy, eh? But you’ve got my knees knocking for Michael. So good job!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This is all I have for you today. Please let me know what you think of what I’ve suggested so far. I didn’t intend to say so much on the opening scene, but things ballooned. Do you feel that I am off-base or on track (so far) with what you hoped to accomplish in this story?

O-Bug

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[> [> [> You are doing fine. -- Shanola, 21:06:22 04/28/03 Mon

I don't mind what you've said so far. I'm curious to see what else you have to say. Please continue.*g*

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[> [> hm. well, I can understand why you're uncomfortable with this story -- ~delle, 09:25:24 04/29/03 Tue

as it is, but I also don't think it reeks as badly as you said in chat the other night! *g*

OK, first thoughts.




Michael heard the voice cutting through the darkness long before his vision cleared. "I see you found him. Very good. How much did it cost us?"

Then another voice, "Five. He got Roberts. "

I think I agree with O here. Using "how many" rather than "how much" might work better. Although using "how much" implies Morgan thinks of his operatives as commodities, rather than people! So it depends on where you're going with him.

The first voice sounded mildly surprised, "Roberts? Well, well! I am impressed"missing punctuation Before him, Michael could make out gray shapes emerging from the dark. A pair of black boots made themselves visible just before a hand grasped his chin and forced his head up. Michael lifted his eyes to where the man's face should be, trying to see his features.

This entire segment reads a little awkward to me. I think you could tighten up the visual descriptions to make it flow better. Does Michael see him, or doesn't he? Perhaps he just sees the flash of white teeth in a smile? You get the idea.

"Michael," the man said and Michael could just make out a smile on the other man's lips, "Welcome to our game. I am afraid you won't find it as much fun as we will, but I'm sure you can appreciate my desire for a challenge. " Dropping Michael's head, the man turned and barked an order, "Chain him! To the wall, my dear fellows, to the wall!" and he began to laugh.

The "dear fellows" seems a little... odd... but I'm reserving judgement until I see more of Morgan. For now, I'm just telling you it kinda jumps out at me.

************

"Hey, Walter," Nikita smiled as she leaned against the wall, hands in the front pockets of her white jeans.

Walter smiled and looked up from the comm unit he was working over, "Hi, sugar. Come to take me up on my latest offer?"

Nikita laughed, looking down and shaking her head. Her smile faded as she raised her eyes. "Walter, have you seen Michael?"

Walter looked surprised. "Not today, I haven't. Why? You think he can give you something I can't?" Nikita pushed herself away from the wall and sauntered over to Walter's table.

As I recall, we were discussing some of your verb choices the other night. I don't mind the "saunter" here, since Nikita is flirting with Walter.

"Now why would I think that?" She propped her chin on her hands as she rested her elbows on the table. Walter eyed the way Nikita's hips thrust out behind her, the jeans conforming tautly to her backside. He looked into her wide blue eyes to find her laughing at him, and smiled again.

"I have no idea. You .' I think you wanted " ... "? Ellipses (? is that what they're called?) don't always translate well from Word to posting to the boards (says she that uses 'em WAAAAY too much) Walter stopped abruptly as Birkhoff bounced into the room.

"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office", he said quickly. Then he turned and was gone. Nikita had no doubt he was in a hurry. He was always in a hurry just before a mission. Sighing, Nikita stood and turned, throwing one last smile over her shoulder as she left Walter to his work. As she made her way to Madeline, she passed by Michael's office. The door was open but the room was empty. Nikita stopped briefly at the window, looking for any trace that he had been there recently. She found none. Continuing on, she let her thoughts wander to Michael. Maybe he had a new recruit, or maybe he was working out himself. She frowned. Those were not things he normally did right before a briefing, but she could never tell what Michael was thinking or why he was doing something. She paused before punching her code into Madeline's security keypad, taking a few deep breaths and clearing Michael from her thoughts. Dealing with Michael was one thing, but Madeline! Madeline was another story requiring a different sort of energy and she wanted to be alert.

This is a lot of "tell" rather than "show". I'm not sure how to fix it, but that's how it feels to me.

Madeline looked up from the computer screen as Nikita stepped through the door. She smiled. "Hello Nikita. Please come in and have a seat." Madeline turned and gestured to indicate one of the two chairs across from her desk. She watched, unsmiling, as the blonde operative warily made her way down the steps and over to the chairs. Madeline turned back to the computer and keyed a sequence as Nikita sprawled herself into a chair. Fitting, Madeline thought and then, Good. You've changed POV. That jarred me, but you know how I am about POV. She is learning to hide her unease. This reads weird to me. Perhaps Madeline's thoughts should be broken into a new paragraph, as if she were speaking? Madeline turned back to Nikita, studying the younger woman intently. "I wanted to speak with you about this mission. It will be very difficult for you. You can't let your guard down for an instant." Now I"m SURE you should have started a new paragraph. *g*

"Well, so far it sounds like every other mission I've been on.", punctuation: do you want a comma or a period? Nikita insolently tossed out the words as she twisted a strand of long blonde hair.

Madeline inclined her head slightly toward the other woman. Well done, she thought, allowing a half smile. Then she carefully blanked her face for the next revelation. "You will be meeting with a man named Morgan. He specializes in extracting information. You may or may not be required to help him do so."

Nikita sat up straight, letting her hair fall from her fingers. "Extracting information. You want me to torture someone? Who?" Nikita narrowed her eyes, trying to read something from Madeline.

"Who,?not sure about this comma. I think it reads better without: Who does not matter. But you're better with punctuation stuff than I am. does not matter",however, I can tell this is an early story of yours! Because your commas are *behind* the quotes, rather than in front where they should be. There's no way you'd make that mistake now. Madeline said as she turned the computer monitor around for Nikita to see. "Morgan has something we want. He has agreed to sell this information to a woman named Josey Callahan, or JC, as she is known." Nikita could see JC on the screen. She was in the White Room, sitting very still in the lone chair. Madeline continued, turning back to study Nikita. "The price exchange involved JC's area of expertise, which is information retrieval. He is expecting her to offer suggestions. As you can see, you look a lot like JC."

Again, this paragraph just "reads" stilted to me. I think the information is all good, it just needs more polishing. What screen? Where did it come from? Perhaps a description of JC?

"Won't Morgan know I'm not JC?" Nikita was very uneasy.

"No. They have never spoken, although Morgan does have a general description of JC. Tall, blonde, and athletic. The deal was set up through a third party who is no longer viable." Madeline's voice was even and business like Business-like I think as she watched Nikita's face form into a frown. She paused for a moment, choosing her next words carefully. "You will have to be creative, Nikita. I know this is not something you will enjoy, but it's necessary as well as unavoidable. " Madeline turned the screen away from Nikita. "You will have to be strong, Nikita."

"I will have to be you!", Nikita spat out the words, hating the fact that they were true.

Madeline stared at Nikita, unblinking. "The mission briefing will be in ten minutes. That will be all." Madeline turned back to the computer, clearly dismissing the younger woman.

Nikita stared at Madeline in disbelief. That will be all? Taking a breath to steady herself, Nikita said, "I don't know how to be creative when it comes to torture. I can't do this, Madeline. And you know it."

Madeline spoke without turning her gaze from the screen. "Use your emotions, Nikita. The rest will fall into place." She turned her head, dark eyes piercing into Nikita, "You will do this and you will do it well. You are dismissed." Madeline didn't raise her voice, but Nikita could feel the steel in the words. Knowing better than to argue at this point, she stood angrily and marched out of the office.

Madeline watched her go. This was going to be an extremely interesting mission.

This interchange between Madeline and Nikita feels very "new writer" to me. I think you've become a much more subtle writer, much more "show" and less "tell" since you've written this. I'd be interested to see how you would handle this scene now.

************

As Nikita took a place at the briefing table, Madeline's words played themselves over in her mind. Use her emotions? I didn't think I was supposed to even have emotions, she thought. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Use her emotions! Don't let my guard down but use my emotions. This should be fun. I've been told that I use way too many italics, as I like to put my internal thoughts in italics to break them out. I'm not saying you should "do as I do", but on the other hand, this paragraph was difficult to read, simply from a "presentation" standpoint. I don't have suggestions, only a gut reaction to share here. There might be another way to format this so that Nikita's internal thoughts and external conversations are more distinct. 'Course I may be full of crap too. *g* Nikita looked over the where the older woman was taking her place at the table, trying to come up with any clue as to what she had meant by those words. Madeline gave nothing away. Nikita's thoughts continued to race as Operations stalked into the room.

Nikita sat up, her eyes following Operations Possessive: Operations' jerky pacing as he began his speech. "I'll make this short and sweet. Nikita will meet with Morgan." Suddenly Operations stopped moving and stood studying the table. There was an empty chair. "Where the hell is Michael!" His annoyance was evident as he turned to Birkhoff. "You DID tell him to be here?"

Birkhoff looked at the older man. "Well, yeah. I gave him the folder last night, just before he left."

Hm. A lot of "older man", "older woman" being used in this section. Just food for thought.

"Has he reported in today?" Operations directed the question to Walter.

Walter glanced over to Nikita before answering. "No. He gave me the inventory last night."

Nikita looked to Madeline. She sat coolly, hands folded on the table as she stared thoughtfully at the vacant chair.

Operations placed both hands on the table, leaning over it to make his anger felt. "This cannot be tolerated." His voice was clipped. "I want Michael found. Now." He looked to an operative standing against the wall as he spat out the last few words. "Do it." The operative silently left.

There was a moment of stunned silence. Nobody even seemed to breathe. Nikita took a breath, ready to defend Michael's absence somehow, when Madeline's smooth voice settled her into silence.

"I think that we shouldn't wait." She waited to continue until she had the full attention of Operations, then turned to meet his cold blue eyes with her own dark pair. POV? We *were* in Nikita's POV at the start; now I'm not sure who's POV we're in. "I'll coordinate this mission. It won't interfere with my other duties and we can continue uninterrupted."

Operations stared into Madeline's unflinching stare. "Good. Then we can get this over with. Nikita will meet with Morgan in two hours ." extra space before period

Nikita listened as Operations outlined the rest of the mission, but she didn't really hear anything he said. Her eyes moved from Madeline to Operations, trying to understand what had just happened. Michael was missing and they were just going to go on?

She didn't realize the meeting was over until Madeline stopped by her chair. "Get moving, Nikita. You need to be wired or you'll be late."

Nikita looked up at Madeline. "Where is he, Madeline." Is this a question or a statement?

Madeline studied the young operative for a moment before answering. "I don't know, but he will be found. There are more urgent matters for you to focus on right now, Nikita. Remember that." She turned, then, and was gone.

In general, you've set up a creepy eerie story here. I have a suspicion I know where you're going and I"m dreading it. I don't think I pointed out anything you didn't already know and most of it is really petty, picky stuff because the "bones" of the story are quite strong. I'll hit the next section later today or tomorrow, OK?

~d

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[> [> [> Heh. It's a little bit... -- Shanola, 21:03:09 04/30/03 Wed

like showing your old underwear in public, I think.

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[> [> Walter/Nikita and Nikita/Madeline scenes -- O-Bug, 12:10:03 04/29/03 Tue

************

"Hey, Walter," Nikita smiled as she leaned against the wall, hands in the front pockets of her white jeans.

Walter smiled and looked up from the comm unit he was working over, "Hi, sugar. Come to take me up on my latest offer?" How about letting me feel or sense their smiles by what they say? Some lines of dialogue are best left alone, with no tags (which slows the reader down).

Nikita laughed, looking down and shaking her head. Her smile faded as she raised her eyes. "Walter, have you seen Michael?" I like this sentence - it’s very Nikita. Shows that while she’s worried or distracted, she’ll still take time out for a friend.

Walter looked surprised. Why surprised? (The undercurrents of what both of them are feeling is what’s interesting to me –not their movements or the scene description, which should be secondary.) I think you’ve set this story sometime during Season Two, perhaps during the period when Nikita was icing Michael out after the Jurgen thing. Maybe Walter’s look of surprise is due to N’s unexpected show of concern? Since you don’t say, I have to guess. "Not today, I haven't. Why? You think he can give you something I can't?" Nikita pushed herself away from the wall and sauntered over to Walter's table.

"Now why would I think that?" She propped her chin on her hands as she rested her elbows on the table. Walter eyed the way Nikita's hips thrust out behind her, the jeans conforming tautly to her backside. And this is very Walter. He looked into her wide blue eyes to find her laughing at him, and smiled again.

"I have no idea. You .' Walter stopped abruptly as Birkhoff bounced into the room. If you show the action of an interruption during dialogue, you won’t have to write about it.

“I have no idea. You–”

"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office,” Birkoff said. Etc.


"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office", he said quickly. Then he turned and was gone.

Nikita had no doubt he was in a hurry. He was always in a hurry just before a mission. Why mention this at all? Even if a non-LFN fan were to read this, you indicate Birkoff’s personality very well by his actions.

Sighing, Nikita stood and turned, throwing one last smile over her shoulder as she left Walter to his work. Choose the situations and actions you want to describe judiciously. If you’re describing Nikita sighing, standing, turning, etc., you are missing the opportunity to instead show her unease over Michael’s absence.

As she made her way to Madeline, Unnecessary to say this; it’s evident by what Birkoff said and that she left Walter’s workstation, that she’s on her way to see Madeline.

she passed by Michael's office. The door was open but the room was empty. Nikita stopped briefly at the window, looking for any trace that he had been there recently. She found none.

Continuing on, she let her thoughts wander to Michael. Maybe he had a new recruit, or maybe he was working out himself. She frowned. Those were not things he normally did right before a briefing, but she could never tell what Michael was thinking or why he was doing something. She paused before punching her code into Madeline's security keypad, taking a few deep breaths and clearing Michael from her thoughts. Dealing with Michael was one thing, but Madeline! Madeline was another story requiring a different sort of energy and she wanted to be alert. IMO, there’s too much description and too many thoughts in this paragraph. Break them down (actions/thoughts) and focus on what you really want to show here. (Nikita notes Michael’s empty office and emotionally prepares herself for a meeting with Madeline.)

Madeline looked up from the computer screen as Nikita stepped through the door. She smiled. "Hello Nikita. Please come in and have a seat." Madeline turned and gestured to indicate one of the two chairs across from her desk. She watched, unsmiling, as the blonde operative warily made her way down the steps and over to the chairs. No need to show every movement–it’s understood that Maddy will look up to greet Nikita once N moves past the door. Again, focus on the feelings and let the actions be secondary. What is really taking place here? (Madeline’s getting ready to slam-duck Nikita with another gut-wrenching mission and Nikita knows it. How does their body language reveal this? I don’t see Maddy giving anything away–she’s polite and yet reserved no matter what’s happening, which isn’t really revealing but IS indicative of who she is, but Nikita . . . well, no one ever had any trouble understanding what she was feeling.)

Madeline turned back to the computer and keyed a sequence as Nikita sprawled herself Omit the word HERSELF into a chair. Fitting, Madeline thought and then, Good. She is learning to hide her unease. Wouldn't this have been a thought for Season One Madeline?

Madeline turned back to Nikita, studying the younger woman intently. "I wanted to speak with you about this mission. It will be very difficult for you. You can't let your guard down for an instant." I don’t see Madeline saying these words. Isn’t every mission difficult? Especially those requiring a chat with Maddy beforehand. I also don’t see her in a cheerleading roll (remember Mercy? Maddy knew Nikita was suicidal . . . and let her go anyway).

"Well, so far it sounds like every other mission I've been on.", Since I didn’t hear (read) about what the mission entails, I can’t agree (or disagree) with Nikita that this mission sounds like all the others.

Nikita insolently tossed out the words as she twisted a strand of long blonde hair. I don’t remember seeing or feeling insolence from Nikita after she was brought back in Season Two. After the Jurgen arc, Nikita seemed to toughen up substantially in my mind. I saw her as being unfailingly polite and focused when dealing with Maddy (unlike Season One). I understand she doesn’t want to be there, but I don’t think that’s visible anymore. Maybe you can let us know of N’s feelings by what she’s thinking?

Madeline inclined her head slightly toward the other woman. Well done, she thought, allowing a half smile. I don’t understand what was well done. Then she carefully blanked her face for the next revelation. But isn't Maddy’s face usually blank when discussing missions? Kind of awkward to read, too. "You will be meeting with a man named Morgan. He specializes in extracting information. You may or may not be required to help him do so."

Nikita sat up straight, letting her hair fall from her fingers. "Extracting information. You want me to torture someone? Who?" I don’t see Nikita asking this question–she’s seasoned enough at this point to know which questions to ask and which not to ask, IMO. It really ISN’T important at this point (and you don’t want to imply it IS before it’s time). Nikita narrowed her eyes, trying to read something from Madeline.

"Who, does not matter", Madeline said as she turned the computer monitor around for Nikita to see. "Morgan has something we want. He has agreed to sell this information to a woman named Josey Callahan, or JC, as she is known." Nikita could see JC on the screen. She was in the White Room, sitting very still in the lone chair. Madeline continued, turning back to study Nikita.

New paragraph. "The price exchange involved JC's area of expertise, which is information retrieval. He is expecting her to offer suggestions. Why is Morgan, who also specializes in information extraction, wanting to hire another specializing in this field? And how does he know at this early stage that he’s even going to need more help? It might help if you let readers know how many days later (from when Michael was captured) this meeting with Nikita is taking place. As you can see, you look a lot like JC."

"Won't Morgan know I'm not JC?" Nikita was very uneasy. Nikita won’t have to ask this if you just have Maddy continue to speak.

"No. They have never spoken, although Morgan does have a general description of JC. Tall, blonde, and athletic. What else is there about JC that might make it easy for me to understand why an athletic blond is interested in information extraction? As in background . . . The deal was set up through a third party who is no longer viable." Madeline's voice was even and business like as she watched Nikita's face form into a frown. Reword the last sentence (it’s telling instead of showing) or better yet, omit it completely. I know Maddy is unfailingly and coolly polite and that Nikita might be sitting there frowning.

She paused for a moment, choosing her next words carefully. "You will have to be creative, Nikita. I know this is not something you will enjoy, but it's necessary as well as unavoidable. " I’d suggest omitting Maddy’s second line–unnecessary and understood. Madeline turned the screen away from Nikita. "You will have to be strong, Nikita." When two people are speaking, they rarely address the other by name.

"I will have to be you!", No comma necessary Nikita spat out the words, hating the fact that they were true. It’s not the fact that her words may be true, it’s N’s feelings of horror that interest me. And quite possibly, just her words of having to act like Madeline are enough.

Madeline stared at Nikita, unblinking. "The mission briefing will be in ten minutes. That will be all." Madeline turned back to the computer, clearly dismissing the younger woman.

Nikita stared at Madeline in disbelief. That will be all? Taking a breath to steady herself, Nikita said, "I don't know how to be creative when it comes to torture. I can't do this, Madeline. And you know it." I can see Nikita saying these last two lines of dialogue to Michael, but not to Madeline. After the end of Season One, I just don’t see Nikita willingly making herself vulnerable.

Madeline spoke without turning her gaze from the screen. "Use your emotions, Nikita. The rest will fall into place." She turned her head, dark eyes piercing into Nikita, No comma necessary, suggest omitting the word INTO "You will do this and you will do it well. You are dismissed." Madeline didn't raise her voice, but Nikita could feel the steel in the words. Knowing better than to argue at this point, she stood angrily and marched out of the office.

Madeline watched her go. This was going to be an extremely interesting mission. I’d suggest omitting the last sentence.

************
The previous scene with Madeline and Nikita is one that I felt could be omitted entirely from the story, mainly based on the comments I made throughout. Most of what transpired can be replayed in Nikita’s mind as necessary–perhaps during the briefing that follows, perhaps later.

If you are trying to “set a mood of foreboding” with this scene, I suggest going for brevity (ala LFN). However, I think your opening scene of Michael’s capture is enough warning of what’s to come – too much will spoil the effect you’re after. IMO, you don’t want to reveal the surprise until the last possible moment.

Please understand this is just my opinion, so take it for what it’s worth.

Still doing good for you? Should I continue to slice and dice?

O-Bug

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[> [> [> Still doing fine. -- Shanola, 20:37:01 04/29/03 Tue

If you don't feel comfortable, feel free to stop anytime. I put this up to show how a beta was done and the types of things that can be pointed out. I don't know that I'll actually rewrite this story, though. It's been posted and archived, much to my chagrin. But I think it's healthy for me to remember how far I've come.

And for the most part, the things you are pointing out are things I agree with. So don't stop on my account. =D

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[> [> [> Not gonna rewrite? -- O-Bug, 06:30:02 04/30/03 Wed

Shanola, I don't want you to look at all of my comments and feel overwhelmed or depressed to the point of where you don't even want to look at the story again.

I knew by your opening message that this was an early piece of writing and that you've progressed beyond this point, so would you prefer that I don't critique line-by-line and comment on specifics of your choosing?

~O

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[> [> [> [> Jumping in here... -- JayBee, 10:28:20 04/30/03 Wed

I won't presume to speak for Shanola, but I got the impression she wasn't really planning on rewriting to begin with. She offered this up as something we could play with so that everyone could see how a public beta would work on this board.

I don't know about anyone else, but I hope you continue with this critique, because it's quite interesting to read! I'm getting a lot out of your (and the other) posts.

That, to me, is the big plus of public betas -- more people get the opporunity to benefit and learn than just the author and beta. As soon as I have a finished product that would be appropriate for this board, I fully intend to come back here and offer it for public slicing and dicing myself.

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[> [> [> [> Rewriting -- Shanola, 20:17:39 04/30/03 Wed

I did offer this as an example, JayBee is right.

As for rewriting this story, well, I've gone in circles with it for years. Yes, I should rewrite it because I've progressed (I hope!) and it's terrible to have something like this out there. No, I shouldn't rewrite because I've progressed and it's good to have something like this out there.

I'll probably go in circles with it for some time. Heh.

But I'm curious to see what everyone has to say as they beta it. So, O'Bug, please don't stop unless you've decided it isn't worth your time. I think a lot of people are learning a lot from of your beta, though. I know I am.

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[> [> Tail end of Part One -- O-Bug, 14:31:41 04/30/03 Wed

(Thanks for your comments, JayBee. I was beginning to feel like the purple people eater. *g*)

~*~*~*~*~*~

As Nikita took a place at the briefing table, Madeline's words played themselves over in her mind.

Use her (my) emotions? I didn't think I was supposed to even have emotions, she thought. Suggest omitting SHE THOUGHT since it’s clear these are her thoughts. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Use her (my) emotions! Don't let my guard down but use my emotions. Repetitive (emotions). However, a writer does have more leeway when it’s actual character thought because people don’t think in grammatically correct language, LOL. This should be fun.
This is a personal preference of mine, but I usually put direct character thoughts into italics so it’s easier to distinguish between omniscient (or third or whatever voice) pov and character pov. Also be careful of your verb tenses. Whichever you choose, past or present, should be consistent throughout.

Nikita looked over the where the older woman was taking her place at the table, trying to come up with any clue as to what she had meant by those words. <— Reads awkwardly. And I guess it also puzzles me that Maddy told Nikita to use her emotions when it comes to extracting information. From what I’ve learned during my own research, it seems the way to go is to make the victim as uncomfortable as possible. Like sleep depravation, shame of appearance in front of the opposite sex, withholding food and water, blasting with sound, keeping the victim in pure dark for long period so they have no sense of time, etc. Basically, any kind of hell you can possibly imagine. (Mine would be spiders. All they’d have to do is to bring out a tarantula and I’d be crying uncle.) Madeline gave nothing away. Nikita's thoughts continued to race as Operations stalked into the room.

Nikita sat up, her eyes following Operations Need an apostrophe after the s to show possession (Operations’)

jerky pacing I’m picturing him walking like a rooster. Is that the image you’re after?

as he began Passive. It’s much more immediate if you just show him talking. his speech.

"I'll make this short and sweet. Nikita will meet with Morgan." Suddenly Operations stopped moving and stood studying the table. There was an empty chair. "Where the hell is Michael!" His annoyance was evident as he turned to Birkhoff. "You DID tell him to be here?"
Maybe it’s me, but I think Ops is too annoyed under the circumstances. Maybe an Ops authority like Debbie Biv or Athena will know better, but I don’t *think* Ops would interrupt his own briefing to wonder where Michael is. I also find it difficult to wonder what Michael’s importance is to the mission (just to coordinate things?) when I’m not even sure what it is that Morgan has that Ops wants so badly.

Birkhoff looked at the older man. "Well, yeah. Not sure if Birkoff is the type to say YEAH to Operations. I gave him the folder last night, just before he left."

"Has he reported in today?" Operations directed the question to Walter. Slows the reader down to read Ops directed question at Walter. You could simply write asked Walter or let the question stand alone and then, when Walter looks at Nikita before answering, show that Ops asked Walter by his act of answering. (But . . . why is he asking Walter? Shouldn’t he be asking Birkoff?)

Walter glanced over to Omit TO, replace with AT Nikita before answering. "No. He gave me the inventory last night."

Nikita looked to Omit TO, replace with AT Madeline. She sat coolly, hands folded on the table as she stared thoughtfully at the vacant chair. With all this looking going on, though, I wonder at the reason. If you’re going to interrupt the story to tell me so-and-so looks at someone, I want a good reason.

Operations placed both hands on the table, leaning over it to make his anger felt. "This cannot be tolerated." Doesn’t sound like something Ops would say, IMO. Especially considering it’s Michael, Section’s exemplary operative. His voice was clipped. "I want Michael found. Now."

He looked to an operative standing against the wall as he spat out the last few words. "Do it." The operative silently left. I’d suggest omitting these three sentences. Doesn’t add anything to the story and nothing is lost if they’re gone.

There was a moment of stunned silence. Nobody even seemed to breathe. Love these two sentences!

Nikita took a breath, ready to defend Michael's absence somehow, when Madeline's smooth voice settled her into silence. A too-fancy way of saying Madeline spoke before Nikita could, IMO. Choose your situations to get wordy judiciously. (Just my preference.)

"I think that we shouldn't wait." She waited to continue until she had the full attention of Operations, Operations’ full attention then turned to meet his cold blue eyes with her own dark pair.
Too wordy. If you want to show tension foiled by Maddy’s cool stillness, focus on body language. But seeing that you follow this paragraph with Ops staring into Maddy’s unflinching stare, I’d let Maddy’s three lines of dialogue stand alone. Not every line of dialogue needs to have a tag or to have description. Some words are and SHOULD be powerful enough to stand alone. "I'll coordinate this mission. It won't interfere with my other duties and we can continue uninterrupted."

Operations stared into Madeline's unflinching stare. Too much staring and looking going on. I know there was a lot of this going on visually on LFN, but a writer has to find a different way of conveying looks that seemed to communicate without words. One way is to use feelings. Remember how you felt when you were a kid and your Mom was giving you what-for and you knew you deserved it? Draw on those feelings. (But I wouldn’t do it here, since I think Ops is just processing Maddy’s advice.) "Good. Then we can get this over with. Nikita will meet with Morgan in two hours ."

Nikita listened as Operations outlined the rest of the mission, but she didn't really hear anything he said. Her eyes moved from Madeline to Operations, trying to understand what had just happened. You've lost me, too. What happened but some kind of staring contest? Michael was missing and they were just going to go on? Well, but didn’t she learn this only too well in the episode RESCUE?

She didn't realize the meeting was over until Madeline stopped by her chair. "Get moving, Nikita. You need to be wired or you'll be late."

Nikita looked up at Madeline. "Where is he, Madeline." No need to say “Madeline” since Nikita looked up at her. However, this question took me by surprise. Does Nikita think Maddy knows where Michael is? (If so, have her think that, don’t make me have to guess.)

Madeline studied the young operative for a moment before answering. "I don't know, but he will be found. I’d omit Maddy’s first line and swing right into the next: There are more urgent matters for you to focus on right now, Nikita. Remember that." She turned, then, and was gone. I’d also suggest omitting the last two sentences. Some of the most powerful scene and/or chapter endings are done with an evocative line of dialogue. And Maddy’s “There are more urgent matters for you to focus on right now,” is such a line because it discounts concern for Michael and Nikita.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Again, please remember that these are just my opinions. See why I only wanted to do a slice a day? *g*

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[> [> Muhahahaha.. (r) -- Athena4, 18:15:17 04/30/03 Wed

Just kidding. But ask, and yee shall receive.

I've done this without reading anyone elses - so there might be repeats.

I'm going to ignore the little punctuation problems I'm seeing. (could be typos) I seem to lack the ability to do both punctuation and content at the same time - I think it was the way they divided them in the course I took...

This is all my opinion of course – and you’re quite welcome to ignore me.

God I hope the colours work...


~*~*~*~**~*~*~

Michael heard the voice cutting through the darkness long before his vision cleared. "I see you found him. Very good. How much did it cost us?"

Then another voice, "Five. He got Roberts. "

The first voice sounded mildly surprised, "Roberts? Well, well! I am impressed" Before him, Michael could make out gray shapes emerging from the dark. A pair of black boots made themselves visible just before a hand grasped his chin and forced his head up. Michael lifted his eyes to where the man's face should be, trying to see his features. "Michael," the man said and Michael could just make out a smile on the other man's lips, "Welcome to our game. I am afraid you won't find it as much fun as we will, but I'm sure you can appreciate my desire for a challenge. " Dropping Michael's head, the man turned and barked an order, "Chain him! To the wall, my dear fellows, to the wall!" and he began to laugh.

A couple of things here. First of all, to me at least, there are some paragraphing problems here. It might be purely stylistic, to be honest, I'm not sure what the rules are, but it may read better this way:

The first voice sounded mildly surprised. "Roberts? Well, well! I am impressed"

Before him, Michael could make out gray shapes emerging from the dark. A pair of black boots made themselves visible just before a hand grasped his chin and forced his head up. Michael lifted his eyes to where the man's face should be, trying to see his features.

"Michael," the man said and Michael could just make out a smile on the other man's lips, "Welcome to our game. I am afraid you won't find it as much fun as we will, but I'm sure you can appreciate my desire for a challenge. "

Dropping Michael's head, the man turned and barked an order, "Chain him! To the wall, my dear fellows, to the wall!" and he began to laugh.


This separates the action out a little better. And distinguishes a little better between the man's dialogue and Michael's actions. Plus, I think the paragraphing works out a little better.

Also, you might want to be more specific about where exactly Michael is. Is he on the floor? Is he on a chair with his head down? (thus seeing the shoes) What else does he feel/see other than the people around him? Is the concrete hard below him? If he's in a chair, are the ropes chafing his wrists? Is he tied at all, or just lying there. Yes, Michael would be focused on the people - but other things might attract his attention as well, particularly in his weakened state. Him coming back to consciousness, perhaps feeling things first (concrete, cold, ropes) would be a nice segue into the action too.


************

"Hey, Walter," Nikita smiled as she leaned against the wall, hands in the front pockets of her white jeans.

Walter smiled and looked up from the comm unit he was working over, "Hi, sugar. Come to take me up on my latest offer?"

Nikita laughed, looking down and shaking her head. Her smile faded as she raised her eyes. "Walter, have you seen Michael?"

Walter looked surprised. "Not today, I haven't. Why? You think he can give you something I can't?" Nikita pushed herself away from the wall and sauntered over to Walter's table.

Surprised? Why? What’s he surprised at? He knows how Nikita feels about Michael? Maybe he’d be concerned? About Michael? While we’re on feelings, is Nikita worried? Or is this just a casual question? Her smile has faded, but what is she feeling – this is her POV, try and get inside her head more.

"Now why would I think that?" She propped her chin on her hands as she rested her elbows on the table. Walter eyed the way Nikita's hips thrust out behind her, the jeans conforming tautly to her backside. He looked into her wide blue eyes to find her laughing at him, and smiled again.

Hrm. Okay, whose POV is this exactly? Is Nikita watching Walter eye her? Or is this Walter eyeing her? I remember you drilling POV into my head – don’t forget to be clear.

"I have no idea. You .' Walter stopped abruptly as Birkhoff bounced into the room.

"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office", he said quickly. Then he turned and was gone. Nikita had no doubt he was in a hurry. He was always in a hurry just before a mission. Sighing, Nikita stood and turned, throwing one last smile over her shoulder as she left Walter to his work. As she made her way to Madeline, she passed by Michael's office. The door was open but the room was empty. Nikita stopped briefly at the window, looking for any trace that he had been there recently. She found none. Continuing on, she let her thoughts wander to Michael. Maybe he had a new recruit, or maybe he was working out himself. She frowned. Those were not things he normally did right before a briefing, but she could never tell what Michael was thinking or why he was doing something. She paused before punching her code into Madeline's security keypad, taking a few deep breaths and clearing Michael from her thoughts. Dealing with Michael was one thing, but Madeline! Madeline was another story requiring a different sort of energy and she wanted to be alert.

The above is a VERY long paragraph, and, especially because of the dialogue, you may want to separate it a little better. Perhaps:

"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office", he said quickly. Then he turned and was gone. Nikita had no doubt he was in a hurry. He was always in a hurry just before a mission.

Sighing, Nikita stood and turned, throwing one last smile over her shoulder as she left Walter to his work. As she made her way to Madeline, she passed by Michael's office. The door was open but the room was empty. Nikita stopped briefly at the window, looking for any trace that he had been there recently. She found none.

Continuing on, she let her thoughts wander to Michael. Maybe he had a new recruit, or maybe he was working out himself. She frowned. Those were not things he normally did right before a briefing, but she could never tell what Michael was thinking or why he was doing something. She paused before punching her code into Madeline's security keypad, taking a few deep breaths and clearing Michael from her thoughts. Dealing with Michael was one thing, but Madeline! Madeline was another story requiring a different sort of energy and she wanted to be alert.


It’s still pretty wordy and contains an awful lot of “telling” and not “showing”, but it reads a little easier. Not so many topics shoved into one paragraph anymore. You might want to consider a revamp, and “show” me more. Rather than telling me Nikita was looking in the window, tell me what she saw, and WHY that meant Michael hadn’t been there. Michael is immaculate anyways (or at least I always assumed he was)… What would be out of place? How could she tell? Rather than telling me that she “let” her thoughts turn to Michael – just let them flow there. What is she thinking about him? How does she know? What is she feeling?

Is she nervous about her meeting with Madeline? What sort of energy does Madeline take? Why does she need to be alert. Can she push her thoughts of Michael away so easily? Is she worried about giving too much away to Madeline?


Madeline looked up from the computer screen as Nikita stepped through the door. She smiled.

Maybe combine these two sentences. “Smiling, Madeline looked up from her computer screen as Nikita stepped through the door.”

On the other hand – you switched POVs here, and it’s a little jarring. If you’re going to have these two scenes (Nikita/Walter and Nikita/Madeline) flow into one (with Nikita walking in between) you need to stay in one POV. If you need Madeline’s POV for this particular part of the scene, you might want to consider making it an entirely new scene – subtracting Nikita’s trip past Michael’s office. Or, subtract the Walter portion, making her trip to Madeline’s office her purpose for being in Section. Whatever you choose – you want to watch your POV. Stick with one, don’t switch mid-scene.


"Hello Nikita. Please come in and have a seat." Madeline turned and gestured to indicate one of the two chairs across from her desk. She watched, unsmiling, as the blonde operative warily made her way down the steps and over to the chairs.

When did she stop smiling? New paragraph here too, I think.

Madeline turned back to the computer and keyed a sequence as Nikita sprawled herself into a chair. Fitting, Madeline thought and then, Good. She is learning to hide her unease. Madeline turned back to Nikita, studying the younger woman intently. "I wanted to speak with you about this mission. It will be very difficult for you. You can't let your guard down for an instant."

It could be me. But I’m finding Madeline too talkative. Of course, this was probably Season 1 or 2 right? Madeline, to me, is like Michael. She uses as few words as possible to state her case. She also doesn’t call people into her office without reason – and it’s generally a mission – so I don’t think she’d say “I want to speak to you about this mission.” Nor do I think she’d care how difficult it would be for Nikita. Or at least not state her concern TO Nikita. Again, this may be a personal thing – we all know I have my own particular opinions about Madeline.

"Well, so far it sounds like every other mission I've been on.", Nikita insolently tossed out the words as she twisted a strand of long blonde hair.

Madeline inclined her head slightly toward the other woman. Well done, she thought, allowing a half smile. Then she carefully blanked her face for the next revelation. "You will be meeting with a man named Morgan. He specializes in extracting information. You may or may not be required to help him do so."

This is better. Madeline is saying only what she needs. Question: Since you’ve switched to Madeline’s POV – why is she so impressed with Nikita? She’s obviously come far, but is Madeline proud? Does she feel she can take credit? Is it Michael’s doing? You don’t need to answer this, but I’m curious. Madeline doesn’t give compliments easily either – perhaps even in her head. Is her respect for Nikita growing?

Nikita sat up straight, letting her hair fall from her fingers. "Extracting information. You want me to torture someone? Who?" Nikita narrowed her eyes, trying to read something from Madeline.

POV switch. How does Madeline know Nikita is trying to read her?

"Who, does not matter", Madeline said as she turned the computer monitor around for Nikita to see. "Morgan has something we want. He has agreed to sell this information to a woman named Josey Callahan, or JC, as she is known."

New paragraph here.

Nikita could see JC on the screen. She was in the White Room, sitting very still in the lone chair. Madeline continued, turning back to study Nikita. "The price exchange involved JC's area of expertise, which is information retrieval. He is expecting her to offer suggestions. As you can see, you look a lot like JC."

You’ve switched POV again. Nikita or Madeline?

“The price exchange involves JC’s area of expertise…” What? I’m confused.


"Won't Morgan know I'm not JC?" Nikita was very uneasy.

Is Madeline seeing this? Or is Nikita feeling it? I don’t deny that Madeline would be able to tell that Nikita was uneasy – but whose POV is this exactly?

"No. They have never spoken, although Morgan does have a general description of JC. Tall, blonde, and athletic. The deal was set up through a third party who is no longer viable." Madeline's voice was even and business like as she watched Nikita's face form into a frown. She paused for a moment, choosing her next words carefully. "You will have to be creative, Nikita. I know this is not something you will enjoy, but it's necessary as well as unavoidable. " Madeline turned the screen away from Nikita. "You will have to be strong, Nikita."

POV again. Plus, you’re suffering from Chatty!Madeline again. Madeline doesn’t justify Section’s actions. There is no question. Any orders are “necessary”. I’m wary about her prompting Nikita to “be strong” as well. But, chiefly, this is YOUR Madeline, not mine, and as I said earlier, it’s probably Season 1 or 2 Madeline, who was more forthcoming, and more maternal.

"I will have to be you!", Nikita spat out the words, hating the fact that they were true.

Ahhh. I like this. Everyone’s WORST nightmare. To become someone they hate. Someone whose actions are unsavory. I like Nikita’s reaction too. Good!!

Madeline stared at Nikita, unblinking. "The mission briefing will be in ten minutes. That will be all." Madeline turned back to the computer, clearly dismissing the younger woman.

POV again – but since I don’t know who you’ll finally choose. Why is Madeline unblinking? She is offended? Angry? Does she understand why Nikita said what she did? Does she feel sorry for her?

Nikita stared at Madeline in disbelief. That will be all? Taking a breath to steady herself, Nikita said, "I don't know how to be creative when it comes to torture. I can't do this, Madeline. And you know it."

Madeline spoke without turning her gaze from the screen. "Use your emotions, Nikita. The rest will fall into place." She turned her head, dark eyes piercing into Nikita, "You will do this and you will do it well. You are dismissed." Madeline didn't raise her voice, but Nikita could feel the steel in the words. Knowing better than to argue at this point, she stood angrily and marched out of the office.

Ahh yes! The steel of Madeline’s words. Excellent description of her tone. But, given Nikita’s defiant tone ( “And you know it” says defiance to me.) you might have the steely tone come out earlier – and then have her give the advice. Just a suggestion – feel free to ignore me:

“You will do this, and you will do it well.” Madeline didn’t raise her voice, but Nikita could feel the steel in her words. Her tone softened minutely, barely enough to notice. “Use your emotions, Nikita. The rest will fall into place.”

Madeline watched her go. This was going to be an extremely interesting mission.

POV again.

************

As Nikita took a place at the briefing table, Madeline's words played themselves over in her mind. Use her emotions? I didn't think I was supposed to even have emotions, she thought. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Use her emotions! Don't let my guard down but use my emotions. This should be fun. Nikita looked over the where the older woman was taking her place at the table, trying to come up with any clue as to what she had meant by those words. Madeline gave nothing away. Nikita's thoughts continued to race as Operations stalked into the room.

I noticed this a few paragraphs back as well, but it really stood out here – you might want to find a way to distinguish “thoughts” from the remainder of the paragraph. I think, generally, people use italics. I know I do. Particularly when you shift from “her” to “I”. It throws your readers for a loop.

As Nikita took a place at the briefing table, Madeline’s words played themselves over in her mind. Use her emotions? I didn’t think I was supposed to even have emotions, she thought. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Use my emotions!….

Etc


Nikita sat up, her eyes following Operations jerky pacing as he began his speech. "I'll make this short and sweet. Nikita will meet with Morgan." Suddenly Operations stopped moving and stood studying the table. There was an empty chair. "Where the hell is Michael!" His annoyance was evident as he turned to Birkhoff. "You DID tell him to be here?"

Was she slouching? Or did she just sit up straighter?

Jerky pacing? In his words? Or his movements? Either way, why was Operations pacing jerky? Does he seem upset?

There was an empty chair.

Whose POV is this?

Now, my initial reaction was to think Operations would never stop a briefing for an absence. He would continue on, and kick the person’s ass later. BUT, Michael, being the team leader, is VERY important. He definitely would have reacted to his absence, but I think he would have noticed it before hand. A lone operative from Michael’s team might go unnoticed – hell, Operations might not even know what operatives were ON the team – but Michael would have been noticed right out. As for the rest of the reaction – Operations doesn’t yell without reason – and he’s usually pretty wound up first. Unless this mission has him especially upset (which you haven’t told me), there’s no reason for him to react with a yell to begin with. Anger in his voice, yes, but an outright yell, no. A simple, harsh, “Where’s Michael?”. And he would never, I don’t think, question whether Michael had been told to be at a briefing. Mistakes like that DO NOT happen in Section. Blame, I think, would fall immediately to Michael.


Birkhoff looked at the older man. "Well, yeah. I gave him the folder last night, just before he left."

"Has he reported in today?" Operations directed the question to Walter.

The question would have been directed to Madeline, more likely, not Walter. No one “reports” to Walter in that sense. Then open the question wider to the whole group, and have Walter reply.

Walter glanced over to Nikita before answering. "No. He gave me the inventory last night."

Nikita looked to Madeline. She sat coolly, hands folded on the table as she stared thoughtfully at the vacant chair.

POV again.

Operations placed both hands on the table, leaning over it to make his anger felt. "This cannot be tolerated." His voice was clipped. "I want Michael found. Now." He looked to an operative standing against the wall as he spat out the last few words. "Do it." The operative silently left.

And QUICKLY I would think. Sounds to me like he’s wandering casually up the halls looking. He’d been running like a bat out of hell if Operations used that tone with him. The only person who doesn’t flinch when he does is Madeline.

There was a moment of stunned silence. Nobody even seemed to breathe. Nikita took a breath, ready to defend Michael's absence somehow, when Madeline's smooth voice settled her into silence.

"I think that we shouldn't wait." She waited to continue until she had the full attention of Operations, then turned to meet his cold blue eyes with her own dark pair. "I'll coordinate this mission. It won't interfere with my other duties and we can continue uninterrupted."

Operaations wouldn’t have waited for Madeline to see this. He would have replaced Michael right away. Yes, Michael is important, but the mission is ALWAYS, ALWAYS more important. He would either of asked Madeline right off to take over, or “promoted” someone from the team.

You’re also suffering from Chatty!Madeline again. Say more in less words. She never explains herself – not in public anyways – so I think “it won’t interfere…” is unnecessary.


Operations stared into Madeline's unflinching stare. "Good. Then we can get this over with. Nikita will meet with Morgan in two hours ."

Nikita listened as Operations outlined the rest of the mission, but she didn't really hear anything he said. Her eyes moved from Madeline to Operations, trying to understand what had just happened. Michael was missing and they were just going to go on?

YES!!!! I like Nikita’s confusion here. Life goes on, and she just doesn’t get it. And so it should be. Section is not a simple place. Plus, her feeling for Michael get in the way. Excellent.

She didn't realize the meeting was over until Madeline stopped by her chair. "Get moving, Nikita. You need to be wired or you'll be late."

Nikita looked up at Madeline. "Where is he, Madeline."

Madeline studied the young operative for a moment before answering. "I don't know, but he will be found. There are more urgent matters for you to focus on right now, Nikita. Remember that." She turned, then, and was gone.

POV again.

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[> [> Thank you very much -- Swatkat, 05:22:03 05/01/03 Thu

Shanola,O-Bug,Jaybee and Athena4.I'm really learning a lot from this.
This board is really a brilliant idea-I wonder why so fiew people use it.When I have my WiP ready,I'll certainly post it here for beta-reading.*s*

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