hm. well, I can understand why you're uncomfortable with this story -- The Beta Board

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Date Posted: 09:25:24 04/29/03 Tue
Author: ~delle
Subject: hm. well, I can understand why you're uncomfortable with this story
In reply to: Shanola 's message, "Focus- Part 1 (or should that be Out of Focus??*snark*)" on 21:56:24 04/27/03 Sun

as it is, but I also don't think it reeks as badly as you said in chat the other night! *g*

OK, first thoughts.

Michael heard the voice cutting through the darkness long before his vision cleared. "I see you found him. Very good. How much did it cost us?"

Then another voice, "Five. He got Roberts. "

I think I agree with O here. Using "how many" rather than "how much" might work better. Although using "how much" implies Morgan thinks of his operatives as commodities, rather than people! So it depends on where you're going with him.

The first voice sounded mildly surprised, "Roberts? Well, well! I am impressed"missing punctuation Before him, Michael could make out gray shapes emerging from the dark. A pair of black boots made themselves visible just before a hand grasped his chin and forced his head up. Michael lifted his eyes to where the man's face should be, trying to see his features.

This entire segment reads a little awkward to me. I think you could tighten up the visual descriptions to make it flow better. Does Michael see him, or doesn't he? Perhaps he just sees the flash of white teeth in a smile? You get the idea.

"Michael," the man said and Michael could just make out a smile on the other man's lips, "Welcome to our game. I am afraid you won't find it as much fun as we will, but I'm sure you can appreciate my desire for a challenge. " Dropping Michael's head, the man turned and barked an order, "Chain him! To the wall, my dear fellows, to the wall!" and he began to laugh.

The "dear fellows" seems a little... odd... but I'm reserving judgement until I see more of Morgan. For now, I'm just telling you it kinda jumps out at me.

************

"Hey, Walter," Nikita smiled as she leaned against the wall, hands in the front pockets of her white jeans.

Walter smiled and looked up from the comm unit he was working over, "Hi, sugar. Come to take me up on my latest offer?"

Nikita laughed, looking down and shaking her head. Her smile faded as she raised her eyes. "Walter, have you seen Michael?"

Walter looked surprised. "Not today, I haven't. Why? You think he can give you something I can't?" Nikita pushed herself away from the wall and sauntered over to Walter's table.

As I recall, we were discussing some of your verb choices the other night. I don't mind the "saunter" here, since Nikita is flirting with Walter.

"Now why would I think that?" She propped her chin on her hands as she rested her elbows on the table. Walter eyed the way Nikita's hips thrust out behind her, the jeans conforming tautly to her backside. He looked into her wide blue eyes to find her laughing at him, and smiled again.

"I have no idea. You .' I think you wanted " ... "? Ellipses (? is that what they're called?) don't always translate well from Word to posting to the boards (says she that uses 'em WAAAAY too much) Walter stopped abruptly as Birkhoff bounced into the room.

"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office", he said quickly. Then he turned and was gone. Nikita had no doubt he was in a hurry. He was always in a hurry just before a mission. Sighing, Nikita stood and turned, throwing one last smile over her shoulder as she left Walter to his work. As she made her way to Madeline, she passed by Michael's office. The door was open but the room was empty. Nikita stopped briefly at the window, looking for any trace that he had been there recently. She found none. Continuing on, she let her thoughts wander to Michael. Maybe he had a new recruit, or maybe he was working out himself. She frowned. Those were not things he normally did right before a briefing, but she could never tell what Michael was thinking or why he was doing something. She paused before punching her code into Madeline's security keypad, taking a few deep breaths and clearing Michael from her thoughts. Dealing with Michael was one thing, but Madeline! Madeline was another story requiring a different sort of energy and she wanted to be alert.

This is a lot of "tell" rather than "show". I'm not sure how to fix it, but that's how it feels to me.

Madeline looked up from the computer screen as Nikita stepped through the door. She smiled. "Hello Nikita. Please come in and have a seat." Madeline turned and gestured to indicate one of the two chairs across from her desk. She watched, unsmiling, as the blonde operative warily made her way down the steps and over to the chairs. Madeline turned back to the computer and keyed a sequence as Nikita sprawled herself into a chair. Fitting, Madeline thought and then, Good. You've changed POV. That jarred me, but you know how I am about POV. She is learning to hide her unease. This reads weird to me. Perhaps Madeline's thoughts should be broken into a new paragraph, as if she were speaking? Madeline turned back to Nikita, studying the younger woman intently. "I wanted to speak with you about this mission. It will be very difficult for you. You can't let your guard down for an instant." Now I"m SURE you should have started a new paragraph. *g*

"Well, so far it sounds like every other mission I've been on.", punctuation: do you want a comma or a period? Nikita insolently tossed out the words as she twisted a strand of long blonde hair.

Madeline inclined her head slightly toward the other woman. Well done, she thought, allowing a half smile. Then she carefully blanked her face for the next revelation. "You will be meeting with a man named Morgan. He specializes in extracting information. You may or may not be required to help him do so."

Nikita sat up straight, letting her hair fall from her fingers. "Extracting information. You want me to torture someone? Who?" Nikita narrowed her eyes, trying to read something from Madeline.

"Who,?not sure about this comma. I think it reads better without: Who does not matter. But you're better with punctuation stuff than I am. does not matter",however, I can tell this is an early story of yours! Because your commas are *behind* the quotes, rather than in front where they should be. There's no way you'd make that mistake now. Madeline said as she turned the computer monitor around for Nikita to see. "Morgan has something we want. He has agreed to sell this information to a woman named Josey Callahan, or JC, as she is known." Nikita could see JC on the screen. She was in the White Room, sitting very still in the lone chair. Madeline continued, turning back to study Nikita. "The price exchange involved JC's area of expertise, which is information retrieval. He is expecting her to offer suggestions. As you can see, you look a lot like JC."

Again, this paragraph just "reads" stilted to me. I think the information is all good, it just needs more polishing. What screen? Where did it come from? Perhaps a description of JC?

"Won't Morgan know I'm not JC?" Nikita was very uneasy.

"No. They have never spoken, although Morgan does have a general description of JC. Tall, blonde, and athletic. The deal was set up through a third party who is no longer viable." Madeline's voice was even and business like Business-like I think as she watched Nikita's face form into a frown. She paused for a moment, choosing her next words carefully. "You will have to be creative, Nikita. I know this is not something you will enjoy, but it's necessary as well as unavoidable. " Madeline turned the screen away from Nikita. "You will have to be strong, Nikita."

"I will have to be you!", Nikita spat out the words, hating the fact that they were true.

Madeline stared at Nikita, unblinking. "The mission briefing will be in ten minutes. That will be all." Madeline turned back to the computer, clearly dismissing the younger woman.

Nikita stared at Madeline in disbelief. That will be all? Taking a breath to steady herself, Nikita said, "I don't know how to be creative when it comes to torture. I can't do this, Madeline. And you know it."

Madeline spoke without turning her gaze from the screen. "Use your emotions, Nikita. The rest will fall into place." She turned her head, dark eyes piercing into Nikita, "You will do this and you will do it well. You are dismissed." Madeline didn't raise her voice, but Nikita could feel the steel in the words. Knowing better than to argue at this point, she stood angrily and marched out of the office.

Madeline watched her go. This was going to be an extremely interesting mission.

This interchange between Madeline and Nikita feels very "new writer" to me. I think you've become a much more subtle writer, much more "show" and less "tell" since you've written this. I'd be interested to see how you would handle this scene now.

************

As Nikita took a place at the briefing table, Madeline's words played themselves over in her mind. Use her emotions? I didn't think I was supposed to even have emotions, she thought. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Use her emotions! Don't let my guard down but use my emotions. This should be fun. I've been told that I use way too many italics, as I like to put my internal thoughts in italics to break them out. I'm not saying you should "do as I do", but on the other hand, this paragraph was difficult to read, simply from a "presentation" standpoint. I don't have suggestions, only a gut reaction to share here. There might be another way to format this so that Nikita's internal thoughts and external conversations are more distinct. 'Course I may be full of crap too. *g* Nikita looked over the where the older woman was taking her place at the table, trying to come up with any clue as to what she had meant by those words. Madeline gave nothing away. Nikita's thoughts continued to race as Operations stalked into the room.

Nikita sat up, her eyes following Operations Possessive: Operations' jerky pacing as he began his speech. "I'll make this short and sweet. Nikita will meet with Morgan." Suddenly Operations stopped moving and stood studying the table. There was an empty chair. "Where the hell is Michael!" His annoyance was evident as he turned to Birkhoff. "You DID tell him to be here?"

Birkhoff looked at the older man. "Well, yeah. I gave him the folder last night, just before he left."

Hm. A lot of "older man", "older woman" being used in this section. Just food for thought.

"Has he reported in today?" Operations directed the question to Walter.

Walter glanced over to Nikita before answering. "No. He gave me the inventory last night."

Nikita looked to Madeline. She sat coolly, hands folded on the table as she stared thoughtfully at the vacant chair.

Operations placed both hands on the table, leaning over it to make his anger felt. "This cannot be tolerated." His voice was clipped. "I want Michael found. Now." He looked to an operative standing against the wall as he spat out the last few words. "Do it." The operative silently left.

There was a moment of stunned silence. Nobody even seemed to breathe. Nikita took a breath, ready to defend Michael's absence somehow, when Madeline's smooth voice settled her into silence.

"I think that we shouldn't wait." She waited to continue until she had the full attention of Operations, then turned to meet his cold blue eyes with her own dark pair. POV? We *were* in Nikita's POV at the start; now I'm not sure who's POV we're in. "I'll coordinate this mission. It won't interfere with my other duties and we can continue uninterrupted."

Operations stared into Madeline's unflinching stare. "Good. Then we can get this over with. Nikita will meet with Morgan in two hours ." extra space before period

Nikita listened as Operations outlined the rest of the mission, but she didn't really hear anything he said. Her eyes moved from Madeline to Operations, trying to understand what had just happened. Michael was missing and they were just going to go on?

She didn't realize the meeting was over until Madeline stopped by her chair. "Get moving, Nikita. You need to be wired or you'll be late."

Nikita looked up at Madeline. "Where is he, Madeline." Is this a question or a statement?

Madeline studied the young operative for a moment before answering. "I don't know, but he will be found. There are more urgent matters for you to focus on right now, Nikita. Remember that." She turned, then, and was gone.

In general, you've set up a creepy eerie story here. I have a suspicion I know where you're going and I"m dreading it. I don't think I pointed out anything you didn't already know and most of it is really petty, picky stuff because the "bones" of the story are quite strong. I'll hit the next section later today or tomorrow, OK?

~d

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[> [> [> Heh. It's a little bit... -- Shanola, 21:03:09 04/30/03 Wed

like showing your old underwear in public, I think.

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