Tail end of Part One -- The Beta Board

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Date Posted: 14:31:41 04/30/03 Wed
Author: O-Bug
Subject: Tail end of Part One
In reply to: Shanola 's message, "Focus- Part 1 (or should that be Out of Focus??*snark*)" on 21:56:24 04/27/03 Sun

(Thanks for your comments, JayBee. I was beginning to feel like the purple people eater. *g*)

~*~*~*~*~*~

As Nikita took a place at the briefing table, Madeline's words played themselves over in her mind.

Use her (my) emotions? I didn't think I was supposed to even have emotions, she thought. Suggest omitting SHE THOUGHT since it�s clear these are her thoughts. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Use her (my) emotions! Don't let my guard down but use my emotions. Repetitive (emotions). However, a writer does have more leeway when it�s actual character thought because people don�t think in grammatically correct language, LOL. This should be fun.
This is a personal preference of mine, but I usually put direct character thoughts into italics so it�s easier to distinguish between omniscient (or third or whatever voice) pov and character pov. Also be careful of your verb tenses. Whichever you choose, past or present, should be consistent throughout.

Nikita looked over the where the older woman was taking her place at the table, trying to come up with any clue as to what she had meant by those words. <� Reads awkwardly. And I guess it also puzzles me that Maddy told Nikita to use her emotions when it comes to extracting information. From what I�ve learned during my own research, it seems the way to go is to make the victim as uncomfortable as possible. Like sleep depravation, shame of appearance in front of the opposite sex, withholding food and water, blasting with sound, keeping the victim in pure dark for long period so they have no sense of time, etc. Basically, any kind of hell you can possibly imagine. (Mine would be spiders. All they�d have to do is to bring out a tarantula and I�d be crying uncle.) Madeline gave nothing away. Nikita's thoughts continued to race as Operations stalked into the room.

Nikita sat up, her eyes following Operations Need an apostrophe after the s to show possession (Operations�)

jerky pacing I�m picturing him walking like a rooster. Is that the image you�re after?

as he began Passive. It�s much more immediate if you just show him talking. his speech.

"I'll make this short and sweet. Nikita will meet with Morgan." Suddenly Operations stopped moving and stood studying the table. There was an empty chair. "Where the hell is Michael!" His annoyance was evident as he turned to Birkhoff. "You DID tell him to be here?"
Maybe it�s me, but I think Ops is too annoyed under the circumstances. Maybe an Ops authority like Debbie Biv or Athena will know better, but I don�t *think* Ops would interrupt his own briefing to wonder where Michael is. I also find it difficult to wonder what Michael�s importance is to the mission (just to coordinate things?) when I�m not even sure what it is that Morgan has that Ops wants so badly.

Birkhoff looked at the older man. "Well, yeah. Not sure if Birkoff is the type to say YEAH to Operations. I gave him the folder last night, just before he left."

"Has he reported in today?" Operations directed the question to Walter. Slows the reader down to read Ops directed question at Walter. You could simply write asked Walter or let the question stand alone and then, when Walter looks at Nikita before answering, show that Ops asked Walter by his act of answering. (But . . . why is he asking Walter? Shouldn�t he be asking Birkoff?)

Walter glanced over to Omit TO, replace with AT Nikita before answering. "No. He gave me the inventory last night."

Nikita looked to Omit TO, replace with AT Madeline. She sat coolly, hands folded on the table as she stared thoughtfully at the vacant chair. With all this looking going on, though, I wonder at the reason. If you�re going to interrupt the story to tell me so-and-so looks at someone, I want a good reason.

Operations placed both hands on the table, leaning over it to make his anger felt. "This cannot be tolerated." Doesn�t sound like something Ops would say, IMO. Especially considering it�s Michael, Section�s exemplary operative. His voice was clipped. "I want Michael found. Now."

He looked to an operative standing against the wall as he spat out the last few words. "Do it." The operative silently left. I�d suggest omitting these three sentences. Doesn�t add anything to the story and nothing is lost if they�re gone.

There was a moment of stunned silence. Nobody even seemed to breathe. Love these two sentences!

Nikita took a breath, ready to defend Michael's absence somehow, when Madeline's smooth voice settled her into silence. A too-fancy way of saying Madeline spoke before Nikita could, IMO. Choose your situations to get wordy judiciously. (Just my preference.)

"I think that we shouldn't wait." She waited to continue until she had the full attention of Operations, Operations� full attention then turned to meet his cold blue eyes with her own dark pair.
Too wordy. If you want to show tension foiled by Maddy�s cool stillness, focus on body language. But seeing that you follow this paragraph with Ops staring into Maddy�s unflinching stare, I�d let Maddy�s three lines of dialogue stand alone. Not every line of dialogue needs to have a tag or to have description. Some words are and SHOULD be powerful enough to stand alone. "I'll coordinate this mission. It won't interfere with my other duties and we can continue uninterrupted."

Operations stared into Madeline's unflinching stare. Too much staring and looking going on. I know there was a lot of this going on visually on LFN, but a writer has to find a different way of conveying looks that seemed to communicate without words. One way is to use feelings. Remember how you felt when you were a kid and your Mom was giving you what-for and you knew you deserved it? Draw on those feelings. (But I wouldn�t do it here, since I think Ops is just processing Maddy�s advice.) "Good. Then we can get this over with. Nikita will meet with Morgan in two hours ."

Nikita listened as Operations outlined the rest of the mission, but she didn't really hear anything he said. Her eyes moved from Madeline to Operations, trying to understand what had just happened. You've lost me, too. What happened but some kind of staring contest? Michael was missing and they were just going to go on? Well, but didn�t she learn this only too well in the episode RESCUE?

She didn't realize the meeting was over until Madeline stopped by her chair. "Get moving, Nikita. You need to be wired or you'll be late."

Nikita looked up at Madeline. "Where is he, Madeline." No need to say �Madeline� since Nikita looked up at her. However, this question took me by surprise. Does Nikita think Maddy knows where Michael is? (If so, have her think that, don�t make me have to guess.)

Madeline studied the young operative for a moment before answering. "I don't know, but he will be found. I�d omit Maddy�s first line and swing right into the next: There are more urgent matters for you to focus on right now, Nikita. Remember that." She turned, then, and was gone. I�d also suggest omitting the last two sentences. Some of the most powerful scene and/or chapter endings are done with an evocative line of dialogue. And Maddy�s �There are more urgent matters for you to focus on right now,� is such a line because it discounts concern for Michael and Nikita.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Again, please remember that these are just my opinions. See why I only wanted to do a slice a day? *g*

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[> [> Muhahahaha.. (r) -- Athena4, 18:15:17 04/30/03 Wed

Just kidding. But ask, and yee shall receive.

I've done this without reading anyone elses - so there might be repeats.

I'm going to ignore the little punctuation problems I'm seeing. (could be typos) I seem to lack the ability to do both punctuation and content at the same time - I think it was the way they divided them in the course I took...

This is all my opinion of course � and you�re quite welcome to ignore me.

God I hope the colours work...

~*~*~*~**~*~*~

Michael heard the voice cutting through the darkness long before his vision cleared. "I see you found him. Very good. How much did it cost us?"

Then another voice, "Five. He got Roberts. "

The first voice sounded mildly surprised, "Roberts? Well, well! I am impressed" Before him, Michael could make out gray shapes emerging from the dark. A pair of black boots made themselves visible just before a hand grasped his chin and forced his head up. Michael lifted his eyes to where the man's face should be, trying to see his features. "Michael," the man said and Michael could just make out a smile on the other man's lips, "Welcome to our game. I am afraid you won't find it as much fun as we will, but I'm sure you can appreciate my desire for a challenge. " Dropping Michael's head, the man turned and barked an order, "Chain him! To the wall, my dear fellows, to the wall!" and he began to laugh.

A couple of things here. First of all, to me at least, there are some paragraphing problems here. It might be purely stylistic, to be honest, I'm not sure what the rules are, but it may read better this way:

The first voice sounded mildly surprised. "Roberts? Well, well! I am impressed"

Before him, Michael could make out gray shapes emerging from the dark. A pair of black boots made themselves visible just before a hand grasped his chin and forced his head up. Michael lifted his eyes to where the man's face should be, trying to see his features.

"Michael," the man said and Michael could just make out a smile on the other man's lips, "Welcome to our game. I am afraid you won't find it as much fun as we will, but I'm sure you can appreciate my desire for a challenge. "

Dropping Michael's head, the man turned and barked an order, "Chain him! To the wall, my dear fellows, to the wall!" and he began to laugh.

This separates the action out a little better. And distinguishes a little better between the man's dialogue and Michael's actions. Plus, I think the paragraphing works out a little better.

Also, you might want to be more specific about where exactly Michael is. Is he on the floor? Is he on a chair with his head down? (thus seeing the shoes) What else does he feel/see other than the people around him? Is the concrete hard below him? If he's in a chair, are the ropes chafing his wrists? Is he tied at all, or just lying there. Yes, Michael would be focused on the people - but other things might attract his attention as well, particularly in his weakened state. Him coming back to consciousness, perhaps feeling things first (concrete, cold, ropes) would be a nice segue into the action too.

************

"Hey, Walter," Nikita smiled as she leaned against the wall, hands in the front pockets of her white jeans.

Walter smiled and looked up from the comm unit he was working over, "Hi, sugar. Come to take me up on my latest offer?"

Nikita laughed, looking down and shaking her head. Her smile faded as she raised her eyes. "Walter, have you seen Michael?"

Walter looked surprised. "Not today, I haven't. Why? You think he can give you something I can't?" Nikita pushed herself away from the wall and sauntered over to Walter's table.

Surprised? Why? What�s he surprised at? He knows how Nikita feels about Michael? Maybe he�d be concerned? About Michael? While we�re on feelings, is Nikita worried? Or is this just a casual question? Her smile has faded, but what is she feeling � this is her POV, try and get inside her head more.

"Now why would I think that?" She propped her chin on her hands as she rested her elbows on the table. Walter eyed the way Nikita's hips thrust out behind her, the jeans conforming tautly to her backside. He looked into her wide blue eyes to find her laughing at him, and smiled again.

Hrm. Okay, whose POV is this exactly? Is Nikita watching Walter eye her? Or is this Walter eyeing her? I remember you drilling POV into my head � don�t forget to be clear.

"I have no idea. You .' Walter stopped abruptly as Birkhoff bounced into the room.

"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office", he said quickly. Then he turned and was gone. Nikita had no doubt he was in a hurry. He was always in a hurry just before a mission. Sighing, Nikita stood and turned, throwing one last smile over her shoulder as she left Walter to his work. As she made her way to Madeline, she passed by Michael's office. The door was open but the room was empty. Nikita stopped briefly at the window, looking for any trace that he had been there recently. She found none. Continuing on, she let her thoughts wander to Michael. Maybe he had a new recruit, or maybe he was working out himself. She frowned. Those were not things he normally did right before a briefing, but she could never tell what Michael was thinking or why he was doing something. She paused before punching her code into Madeline's security keypad, taking a few deep breaths and clearing Michael from her thoughts. Dealing with Michael was one thing, but Madeline! Madeline was another story requiring a different sort of energy and she wanted to be alert.

The above is a VERY long paragraph, and, especially because of the dialogue, you may want to separate it a little better. Perhaps:

"Nikita, Madeline wants to see you in her office", he said quickly. Then he turned and was gone. Nikita had no doubt he was in a hurry. He was always in a hurry just before a mission.

Sighing, Nikita stood and turned, throwing one last smile over her shoulder as she left Walter to his work. As she made her way to Madeline, she passed by Michael's office. The door was open but the room was empty. Nikita stopped briefly at the window, looking for any trace that he had been there recently. She found none.

Continuing on, she let her thoughts wander to Michael. Maybe he had a new recruit, or maybe he was working out himself. She frowned. Those were not things he normally did right before a briefing, but she could never tell what Michael was thinking or why he was doing something. She paused before punching her code into Madeline's security keypad, taking a few deep breaths and clearing Michael from her thoughts. Dealing with Michael was one thing, but Madeline! Madeline was another story requiring a different sort of energy and she wanted to be alert.

It�s still pretty wordy and contains an awful lot of �telling� and not �showing�, but it reads a little easier. Not so many topics shoved into one paragraph anymore. You might want to consider a revamp, and �show� me more. Rather than telling me Nikita was looking in the window, tell me what she saw, and WHY that meant Michael hadn�t been there. Michael is immaculate anyways (or at least I always assumed he was)� What would be out of place? How could she tell? Rather than telling me that she �let� her thoughts turn to Michael � just let them flow there. What is she thinking about him? How does she know? What is she feeling?

Is she nervous about her meeting with Madeline? What sort of energy does Madeline take? Why does she need to be alert. Can she push her thoughts of Michael away so easily? Is she worried about giving too much away to Madeline?

Madeline looked up from the computer screen as Nikita stepped through the door. She smiled.

Maybe combine these two sentences. �Smiling, Madeline looked up from her computer screen as Nikita stepped through the door.�

On the other hand � you switched POVs here, and it�s a little jarring. If you�re going to have these two scenes (Nikita/Walter and Nikita/Madeline) flow into one (with Nikita walking in between) you need to stay in one POV. If you need Madeline�s POV for this particular part of the scene, you might want to consider making it an entirely new scene � subtracting Nikita�s trip past Michael�s office. Or, subtract the Walter portion, making her trip to Madeline�s office her purpose for being in Section. Whatever you choose � you want to watch your POV. Stick with one, don�t switch mid-scene.

"Hello Nikita. Please come in and have a seat." Madeline turned and gestured to indicate one of the two chairs across from her desk. She watched, unsmiling, as the blonde operative warily made her way down the steps and over to the chairs.

When did she stop smiling? New paragraph here too, I think.

Madeline turned back to the computer and keyed a sequence as Nikita sprawled herself into a chair. Fitting, Madeline thought and then, Good. She is learning to hide her unease. Madeline turned back to Nikita, studying the younger woman intently. "I wanted to speak with you about this mission. It will be very difficult for you. You can't let your guard down for an instant."

It could be me. But I�m finding Madeline too talkative. Of course, this was probably Season 1 or 2 right? Madeline, to me, is like Michael. She uses as few words as possible to state her case. She also doesn�t call people into her office without reason � and it�s generally a mission � so I don�t think she�d say �I want to speak to you about this mission.� Nor do I think she�d care how difficult it would be for Nikita. Or at least not state her concern TO Nikita. Again, this may be a personal thing � we all know I have my own particular opinions about Madeline.

"Well, so far it sounds like every other mission I've been on.", Nikita insolently tossed out the words as she twisted a strand of long blonde hair.

Madeline inclined her head slightly toward the other woman. Well done, she thought, allowing a half smile. Then she carefully blanked her face for the next revelation. "You will be meeting with a man named Morgan. He specializes in extracting information. You may or may not be required to help him do so."

This is better. Madeline is saying only what she needs. Question: Since you�ve switched to Madeline�s POV � why is she so impressed with Nikita? She�s obviously come far, but is Madeline proud? Does she feel she can take credit? Is it Michael�s doing? You don�t need to answer this, but I�m curious. Madeline doesn�t give compliments easily either � perhaps even in her head. Is her respect for Nikita growing?

Nikita sat up straight, letting her hair fall from her fingers. "Extracting information. You want me to torture someone? Who?" Nikita narrowed her eyes, trying to read something from Madeline.

POV switch. How does Madeline know Nikita is trying to read her?

"Who, does not matter", Madeline said as she turned the computer monitor around for Nikita to see. "Morgan has something we want. He has agreed to sell this information to a woman named Josey Callahan, or JC, as she is known."

New paragraph here.

Nikita could see JC on the screen. She was in the White Room, sitting very still in the lone chair. Madeline continued, turning back to study Nikita. "The price exchange involved JC's area of expertise, which is information retrieval. He is expecting her to offer suggestions. As you can see, you look a lot like JC."

You�ve switched POV again. Nikita or Madeline?

�The price exchange involves JC�s area of expertise�� What? I�m confused.

"Won't Morgan know I'm not JC?" Nikita was very uneasy.

Is Madeline seeing this? Or is Nikita feeling it? I don�t deny that Madeline would be able to tell that Nikita was uneasy � but whose POV is this exactly?

"No. They have never spoken, although Morgan does have a general description of JC. Tall, blonde, and athletic. The deal was set up through a third party who is no longer viable." Madeline's voice was even and business like as she watched Nikita's face form into a frown. She paused for a moment, choosing her next words carefully. "You will have to be creative, Nikita. I know this is not something you will enjoy, but it's necessary as well as unavoidable. " Madeline turned the screen away from Nikita. "You will have to be strong, Nikita."

POV again. Plus, you�re suffering from Chatty!Madeline again. Madeline doesn�t justify Section�s actions. There is no question. Any orders are �necessary�. I�m wary about her prompting Nikita to �be strong� as well. But, chiefly, this is YOUR Madeline, not mine, and as I said earlier, it�s probably Season 1 or 2 Madeline, who was more forthcoming, and more maternal.

"I will have to be you!", Nikita spat out the words, hating the fact that they were true.

Ahhh. I like this. Everyone�s WORST nightmare. To become someone they hate. Someone whose actions are unsavory. I like Nikita�s reaction too. Good!!

Madeline stared at Nikita, unblinking. "The mission briefing will be in ten minutes. That will be all." Madeline turned back to the computer, clearly dismissing the younger woman.

POV again � but since I don�t know who you�ll finally choose. Why is Madeline unblinking? She is offended? Angry? Does she understand why Nikita said what she did? Does she feel sorry for her?

Nikita stared at Madeline in disbelief. That will be all? Taking a breath to steady herself, Nikita said, "I don't know how to be creative when it comes to torture. I can't do this, Madeline. And you know it."

Madeline spoke without turning her gaze from the screen. "Use your emotions, Nikita. The rest will fall into place." She turned her head, dark eyes piercing into Nikita, "You will do this and you will do it well. You are dismissed." Madeline didn't raise her voice, but Nikita could feel the steel in the words. Knowing better than to argue at this point, she stood angrily and marched out of the office.

Ahh yes! The steel of Madeline�s words. Excellent description of her tone. But, given Nikita�s defiant tone ( �And you know it� says defiance to me.) you might have the steely tone come out earlier � and then have her give the advice. Just a suggestion � feel free to ignore me:

�You will do this, and you will do it well.� Madeline didn�t raise her voice, but Nikita could feel the steel in her words. Her tone softened minutely, barely enough to notice. �Use your emotions, Nikita. The rest will fall into place.�

Madeline watched her go. This was going to be an extremely interesting mission.

POV again.

************

As Nikita took a place at the briefing table, Madeline's words played themselves over in her mind. Use her emotions? I didn't think I was supposed to even have emotions, she thought. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Use her emotions! Don't let my guard down but use my emotions. This should be fun. Nikita looked over the where the older woman was taking her place at the table, trying to come up with any clue as to what she had meant by those words. Madeline gave nothing away. Nikita's thoughts continued to race as Operations stalked into the room.

I noticed this a few paragraphs back as well, but it really stood out here � you might want to find a way to distinguish �thoughts� from the remainder of the paragraph. I think, generally, people use italics. I know I do. Particularly when you shift from �her� to �I�. It throws your readers for a loop.

As Nikita took a place at the briefing table, Madeline�s words played themselves over in her mind. Use her emotions? I didn�t think I was supposed to even have emotions, she thought. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Use my emotions!�.

Etc

Nikita sat up, her eyes following Operations jerky pacing as he began his speech. "I'll make this short and sweet. Nikita will meet with Morgan." Suddenly Operations stopped moving and stood studying the table. There was an empty chair. "Where the hell is Michael!" His annoyance was evident as he turned to Birkhoff. "You DID tell him to be here?"

Was she slouching? Or did she just sit up straighter?

Jerky pacing? In his words? Or his movements? Either way, why was Operations pacing jerky? Does he seem upset?

There was an empty chair.

Whose POV is this?

Now, my initial reaction was to think Operations would never stop a briefing for an absence. He would continue on, and kick the person�s ass later. BUT, Michael, being the team leader, is VERY important. He definitely would have reacted to his absence, but I think he would have noticed it before hand. A lone operative from Michael�s team might go unnoticed � hell, Operations might not even know what operatives were ON the team � but Michael would have been noticed right out. As for the rest of the reaction � Operations doesn�t yell without reason � and he�s usually pretty wound up first. Unless this mission has him especially upset (which you haven�t told me), there�s no reason for him to react with a yell to begin with. Anger in his voice, yes, but an outright yell, no. A simple, harsh, �Where�s Michael?�. And he would never, I don�t think, question whether Michael had been told to be at a briefing. Mistakes like that DO NOT happen in Section. Blame, I think, would fall immediately to Michael.

Birkhoff looked at the older man. "Well, yeah. I gave him the folder last night, just before he left."

"Has he reported in today?" Operations directed the question to Walter.

The question would have been directed to Madeline, more likely, not Walter. No one �reports� to Walter in that sense. Then open the question wider to the whole group, and have Walter reply.

Walter glanced over to Nikita before answering. "No. He gave me the inventory last night."

Nikita looked to Madeline. She sat coolly, hands folded on the table as she stared thoughtfully at the vacant chair.

POV again.

Operations placed both hands on the table, leaning over it to make his anger felt. "This cannot be tolerated." His voice was clipped. "I want Michael found. Now." He looked to an operative standing against the wall as he spat out the last few words. "Do it." The operative silently left.

And QUICKLY I would think. Sounds to me like he�s wandering casually up the halls looking. He�d been running like a bat out of hell if Operations used that tone with him. The only person who doesn�t flinch when he does is Madeline.

There was a moment of stunned silence. Nobody even seemed to breathe. Nikita took a breath, ready to defend Michael's absence somehow, when Madeline's smooth voice settled her into silence.

"I think that we shouldn't wait." She waited to continue until she had the full attention of Operations, then turned to meet his cold blue eyes with her own dark pair. "I'll coordinate this mission. It won't interfere with my other duties and we can continue uninterrupted."

Operaations wouldn�t have waited for Madeline to see this. He would have replaced Michael right away. Yes, Michael is important, but the mission is ALWAYS, ALWAYS more important. He would either of asked Madeline right off to take over, or �promoted� someone from the team.

You�re also suffering from Chatty!Madeline again. Say more in less words. She never explains herself � not in public anyways � so I think �it won�t interfere�� is unnecessary.

Operations stared into Madeline's unflinching stare. "Good. Then we can get this over with. Nikita will meet with Morgan in two hours ."

Nikita listened as Operations outlined the rest of the mission, but she didn't really hear anything he said. Her eyes moved from Madeline to Operations, trying to understand what had just happened. Michael was missing and they were just going to go on?

YES!!!! I like Nikita�s confusion here. Life goes on, and she just doesn�t get it. And so it should be. Section is not a simple place. Plus, her feeling for Michael get in the way. Excellent.

She didn't realize the meeting was over until Madeline stopped by her chair. "Get moving, Nikita. You need to be wired or you'll be late."

Nikita looked up at Madeline. "Where is he, Madeline."

Madeline studied the young operative for a moment before answering. "I don't know, but he will be found. There are more urgent matters for you to focus on right now, Nikita. Remember that." She turned, then, and was gone.

POV again.

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