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Date Posted: 23:16:51 05/06/03 Tue
Author: JayBee
Subject: Okay, I've succumbed to this process and (r)
In reply to: Shanola 's message, "Focus-Part 3" on 21:59:12 04/27/03 Sun

hereby offer my feedback on the very first scene from this chapter. (I haven't had time to do any more, but might try to later.) I'm not sure how much help this will actually be, but it was kind of fun trying.

***********

Nikita stood still, breathing evenly and counting. When I read the words "evenly" and "counting" in such close proximity, I suddenly have this image of her breathing in bursts of 2's and 4's and 6's, LOL. I *know* that isn't what you meant, and that I'm a total freak for imagining such a bizarre thing, but I couldn't help but mention it. Heh. And yes, this beta is probably going to be just as weird the whole way through, just in case you were wondering. *g* On the other side of this door, she thought, is some poor soul who has had the misfortune of crossing paths with all the wrong people. Or maybe, she reflected, they really do deserve this sort of thing. Maybe add "further" after reflected in the prior sentence? This makes it clear that she is weighing possibilities. Otherwise, you don't need to say "she reflected" at all, since you already established in the prior sentence that we're being shown her thoughts here. She could think of at least three people who might deserve this. Three seems like an oddly specific number. It sent my mind wandering off, trying to guess which three baddies from various episodes they might be, and why others wouldn't have made the cut for the top three, instead of paying attention to the scene here. Maybe you could just say "several" or some such thing, so as to prevent easily distracted people like me from going off on tangents as we read. *g* Now was not the time for those thoughts. She counted to ten and then to ten again. Why again? Maybe she wasn't quite ready after the first round, so she paused and started over? If so, explaining that in a little more detail would go a long way toward bringing her nervousness to life. One other point, though: she was already counting at the beginning of the paragraph, so this seems like an awfully long period of counting by now. Perhaps the very first sentence should delete the counting reference altogether, and simply refer to her trying to breathe evenly to calm herself, or some such thing. From her comm unit she could hear the crackle of static. Birkhoff's Birkoff'svoice was coming through, but it was faint. I can do this, she thought. I must do this. Use my emotions to do what?!? She almost panicked. Breathe in, she blanked her mind breathe out she had her emotions breathe in, she felt nothing breathe out . These last few sentence could use some commas and italics to set off the thoughts.

The heavy metal door swung open, revealing a dank dark room. This might just be me, but I tripped over "dank dark". It sounds like a tongue-twister. Also, who opened the door? If *she* didn't -- and the way it's worded, it doesn't really sound like she did -- how did whoever opened it know that she was ready? Nikita stepped in and came to stand beside Morgan. Off to her left, she could see the prisoner Morgan had chained from the ceiling. She ignored him for now. "What .progress have you made?" Nikita was pleased that her voice sounded cool and collected. I would start a new paragraph with the "What progress etc."

Morgan let a smile touch his lips. If this is Nikita's POV, I don't know that she would interpret it as "letting" a smile touch his lips, because that goes to his intent, which she is not privy to. She would simply see him smile. He cupped Nikita's elbow with his hand and turned her toward the prisoner. Leaning close, he whispered, "Let me show you, my dear. You'll like this." Start a new paragraph after this.Nikita let Morgan lead her to the circle of light where the prisoner was being held. A short little short little? I don't think you need both. man in surgical scrubs was working on some kind "some kind" sounds a bit funny to me, maybe you can describe what it looks like? of drill. He looked up when they approached. Start a new paragraph after this. "JC, this is our Doctor. I think you will find his work rather extraordinary. Doctor? Will you show our guest your latest innovation?"

The little man looked at Nikita with squinty eyes before moving to the prisoner. Nikita followed him with her gaze. She took a breath when the doctor pointed out the cut he had made. She could see thick streaks of blood running down the prisoner's bare side and soaking into his black pants. Nikita felt her stomach clench. Her gaze was riveted to the blood. She forced herself to breathe. This is not happening, she thought, this is not happening. The doctor was speaking to her, something about the drill he had been working with. Nikita stared at the gaping wound in the man's side as the doctor pulled the flesh apart to let her see the holes he had been drilling into the ribcage. Breathe, Nikita thought, I have to breathe. She felt her eyes going wide as they traveled to the bent head of the prisoner. He was moving, moaning softly as the doctor prodded the incision. I have to breathe, she thought, I just have to breathe. Nikita began to tremble.

A lot of the above paragraph strikes me as sort of choppy -- lots of very short sentences in a row. In addition, while terseness can be good, I think a paragraph dealing with a subject matter so gruesome could have used a little more description of the gore. Nikita is supposed to be so horrified that she can barely breathe: try to make the reader feel that way, too. Instead of just saying that her gaze was riveted to the blood, describe what the blood looks like, what it's doing, mention the sound she hears when the doctor pulls the flesh apart, whether the flesh quivers, etc. Also, it would probably be livelier if you included actual dialogue instead of just telling us that the doctor said something. And again, it would be helpful if you italicized or broke out internal dialogue somehow.

***

That's all I had time for, but I might take another stab at the chapter later. And again, Shanola, thank you for volunteering this! I think this was a fantastic idea.

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[> [> [> Sweetie, you can beta for me anyday! LOL! -- Nell, 12:31:37 05/07/03 Wed

I would find these sort of comments extremely helpful...

Nell

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[> [> [> [> Jaybee has stepped into the 'beta breech' for me a few times (r) -- Genevieve, 04:58:17 05/14/03 Wed

And she *is* very good. Especially with those Maddy/Paul chaptes. Heh heh.

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