Focus-Part 3 -- The Beta Board

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Date Posted: 21:59:12 04/27/03 Sun
Author: Shanola
Subject: Focus-Part 3
In reply to: Shanola 's message, "This is a test" on 21:49:09 04/27/03 Sun

Nikita stood still, breathing evenly and counting. On the other side of this door, she thought, is some poor soul who has had the misfortune of crossing paths with all the wrong people. Or maybe, she reflected, they really do deserve this sort of thing. She could think of at least three people who might deserve this. Now was not the time for those thoughts. She counted to ten and then to ten again. From her comm unit she could hear the crackle of static. Birkhoff's voice was coming through, but it was faint. I can do this, she thought. I must do this. Use my emotions to do what?!? She almost panicked. Breathe in, she blanked her mind breathe out she had her emotions breathe in, she felt nothing breathe out .

The heavy metal door swung open, revealing a dank dark room. Nikita stepped in and came to stand beside Morgan. Off to her left, she could see the prisoner Morgan had chained from the ceiling. She ignored him for now. "What .progress have you made?" Nikita was pleased that her voice sounded cool and collected.

Morgan let a smile touch his lips. He cupped Nikita's elbow with his hand and turned her toward the prisoner. Leaning close, he whispered, "Let me show you, my dear. You'll like this." Nikita let Morgan lead her to the circle of light where the prisoner was being held. A short little man in surgical scrubs was working on some kind of drill. He looked up when they approached. "JC, this is our Doctor. I think you will find his work rather extraordinary. Doctor? Will you show our guest your latest innovation?"

The little man looked at Nikita with squinty eyes before moving to the prisoner. Nikita followed him with her gaze. She took a breath when the doctor pointed out the cut he had made. She could see thick streaks of blood running down the prisoner's bare side and soaking into his black pants. Nikita felt her stomach clench. Her gaze was riveted to the blood. She forced herself to breathe. This is not happening, she thought, this is not happening. The doctor was speaking to her, something about the drill he had been working with. Nikita stared at the gaping wound in the man's side as the doctor pulled the flesh apart to let her see the holes he had been drilling into the ribcage. Breathe, Nikita thought, I have to breathe. She felt her eyes going wide as they traveled to the bent head of the prisoner. He was moving, moaning softly as the doctor prodded the incision. I have to breathe, she thought, I just have to breathe. Nikita began to tremble.

************

"How is she doing, Birkhoff?" Madeline asked from behind his chair.

Birkhoff swallowed the licorice he had been chewing before he answered her. "They're down pretty deep, but I have the signal. It's not real strong, but it's there. I'm working on boosting the power as we speak."

Madeline listened intently to her comm unit. "I didn't catch all the information on the drill. Will you run it back for me as soon as you can?"

"No problem. Here you go." Birkhoff rolled his chair to another terminal, punched a few keys, then rolled back.

Madeline began to smile. "Thank you."

************

Michael raised his head, opening his scratchy eyes and trying to focus them, vaguely thinking that if he could just see, the pain might be less. As his eyes adjusted he became aware of a new person standing just behind the Doctor. At first, he thought he was hallucinating but when his eyes reached Nikita's shocked stare the mission profile burst through his pain. He struggled to breathe, every movement causing his side to scream in agony as his green eyes met her blue ones. From the horror evident on her face it was clear that she knew him. Morgan was slightly in front of Nikita and couldn't see her face yet. Michael let his head drop, afraid that his recognition of Nikita would give her away. God, he thought, she'll die if he sees her now! Got to help her somehow .Michael began to speak in a sing-song voice, the words coming mostly in French because he just couldn't think of how to say it in English.

************

Nikita fought to keep herself still. She looked at Michael as he hung before her, his face ashen and bloody and his eyes full of pain. He had seen her and during that brief moment of eye contact, she could see how close he was to the edge. She didn't know what to do or say. Her mind was blank, stunned into silence by the sight before her. It's Michael, she thought over and over. It's MICHAEL! Then she heard a dry voice sing-song its way into her mind. It was Michael and he was talking. Her startled gaze flitted to Morgan as he stepped forward to listen to this new development. She heard Birkhoff ask through fuzzy static what was happening. Nikita latched on to Michael' voice. He was talking in French with only a few English words here and there. One word jumped out at her and she grabbed at it, pulling it into herself and letting it fill her. Focus, he said through all of his pain. Focus, woven again and again through a maze of nonsense. Nikita took a breath, letting herself feel her emotions in that one moment. Then she took them and forced them into a tight ball and pushed them aside. Stepping forward, she focused.

************

Birkhoff repeated his question to Nikita, almost panicked by her lack of response, "Nikita, what's happening? Can you hear me?" He looked over his shoulder at Madeline as she stood calmly behind him. "I've got the signal, why isn't she responding?" he asked her. Madeline didn't answer.

Then, out of the fuzzy silence, they heard Nikita ask, "What is he saying?" Madeline smiled, pleased that Nikita's voice was steady.

"Find out who he's holding, Nikita. It could be helpful". Madeline let her smile remain as she heard Nikita's question through her headset. The answer Morgan gave, however, was too fuzzy for her to make out.

"Repeat that Nikita. We couldn't get the name", Birkhoff spoke Madeline's thought.

Madeline's smile abruptly disappeared at Nikita's one word response. She looked down into Birkhoff's pale face before turning to where Operations was standing above them. "Mr. Birkhoff", she said in a too calm voice, "Please inform Operations that we have a situation that may require his attention. Now." Madeline turned back to computer console.

************

"Michael." Nikita said his name, repeating it after Morgan so that Madeline and Birkhoff could hear. She looked at Morgan. "Is that French he's speaking? What's he saying?" Nikita kept her voice detached and seemingly curious as she waited for Morgan to respond.

"I do believe he's asking for water", the delight was obvious in Morgan's voice. He grasped Michael by his chin, raising his head to meet his eyes. "Michael. You know the rules. First you must tell me your name and then you can have water. Come, dear boy. Just say it." Michael struggled to keep his eyes open, looking past Morgan to Nikita. Morgan noticed where his gaze went. "Yes, yes, this is CJ, Michael. She will be assisting me. Would you rather speak to her?"

Nikita stepped forward, pushing Morgan away and taking Michael's face between her own hands. She looked deep into his eyes, trying to give him the same reassurance he had given her. She leaned in close, her breathe on his cheek as she whispered to him, certain Morgan couldn't hear. "Tell him your name, Michael. Madeline said it was OK for you to tell him that much. Since he knows it already. Tell it to me." Nikita straightened, still supporting Michael's head as she glanced at Morgan. "Ask him nicely and see what happens," she said lightly to Morgan. She turned back to Michael and smiled sweetly. "What is your name?" The question was soft but firm.

Michael studied Nikita, trying to see what sort of game she was playing. Madeline said it was OK, he thought, it's an order. So easy. Just say it. Michael. Water. He didn't realize he had even spoken out loud until Morgan laughed.

Nikita looked to Morgan, pleasure written clearly on his face as he turned to the Doctor. They exchanged a few brief words before the little man stepped away out of the light. Nikita gently lowered Michael's head before releasing him. She casually walked to Morgan and met his delighted face with her seeming disinterest. "That wasn't so bad. Is that all you wanted from him?" Amazing, she thought as she waited for Morgan to respond. I feel calm and in control. She had never quite been like this before. Nikita pushed the thought aside to listen attentively to Morgan.

"Now, my dear, I want him to tell me where his beloved Section headquarters' are located," Morgan had a small smile once again playing about his lips.

Nikita nodded slowly. "Oh", she drawled. "I see. A location." Nikita turned to study Michael. She let her emotions rise to the surface while her face was turned away form Morgan. Then she reached in and plucked the cold anger that tied the bundle together. Letting it wash over her, she faced Morgan once again. " This man has nearly died rather then tell you his name. A name you already knew. And even knowing this, he has chosen death." Nikita let the anger show in her eyes. "I can't help you if you aren't honest with me about this man. That file you let me read was only physical statistics. I need more if you want my help. Tell me what you know about him."

Morgan's smile faltered for the first time as he read the anger emanating from his guest. "Of course, of course!" , he stammered, taking Nikita's arm and pulling her farther away from the prisoner. "He is from an agency called Section One. They are the bane of many terrorist groups, you know. He has been well trained, rather exceptionally, don't you think? "

Nikita could tell Morgan was pleased to have all this knowledge about Section. She kept her head turned away from him as he rattled on, making sure that Birkhoff and Madeline could hear clearly through the wire she wore. When he stopped after a few minutes, Nikita turned to look at him. "And how did you find this particular agent? Do you have a copy of their Directory or did you get it from other sources", Nikita locked her eyes to Morgan's, her body rigid in anticipation of his response.

"No, my dear. Unfortunately, a copy of their Directory was not made available to me. I had another source. A friend, you might even say, who was part of Section. He gave me the information on this agent as part of a deal, so to speak." Morgan sounded disappointed that he didn't have more to offer to her.

"Really." So there was a mole in Section, Nikita thought. "And just who was this source?"

"Ah. It doesn't matter now, my dear. Come, shall we? The Doctor is back with our next level." Nikita studied Morgan before turning and stalking back to the circle of light that held Michael. She could only hope that Madeline and Birkhoff were working to uncover the mole.

Looking at Michael's still form, she barely repressed a shudder as the little Doctor turned on his drill and stepped over to him. She concentrated on breathing as the sound shrilled higher, boring into the exposed bones.

************

Madeline and Operations looked at each other for a moment, listening to Morgan spill information about Section to Nikita.

"A mole.", Ops said thoughtfully. Madeline only blinked at him.

"Morgan may know more about us than he's telling Nikita", she said finally. "How do you wish to proceed?"

Operations looked at Birkhoff's screen before making his decision. "Let Nikita get the disk. Then send in a team to clean him out. I don't like leaks." He stood, turning to go. Madeline's cool voice stopped him for a moment.

"And Michael?" she asked.

Ops looked back, meeting her gaze. "If he talks cancel him." Then he turned and was gone, leaving Madeline in charge.

************

Nikita couldn't stand the high whining noise of the drill any longer, couldn't stand to see it drill into Michael one more time. Taking a deep breath, she turned to Morgan and demanded "Water! Give him water. Now." Morgan turned to her in surprise. Nikita lowered her voice and relaxed her stance as she spoke. "He has told you his name. And asked for water. You promised he could have it if he did that. " She swayed her hips as she sauntered closer to Morgan, almost laughing at the way his eyes followed her. "He won't break if you don't keep your promises. You have to make him trust you. Give. Him. Water." She trailed a finger down one side of his face. Morgan raised his eyes to hers before telling the Doctor to get a bowl.

Michael raised his head at the sound of Nikita demanding water. Water, his mind chanted. Water! He watched as Nikita took the bowl from the Doctor and turned to him. Shaking, he tried to keep himself from whimpering in anticipation. His eyes locked onto the bowl as Nikita came closer. He tore them away to meet her gaze as she lifted the bowl to his dry lips. The first sip coursed through him. The second made him gag. He could taste the bitterness of whatever drug they had laced through the water. By the time the bowl was empty, he knew he was in serious trouble, fighting down waves of nausea as his body sought to expel the liquid. It was a battle against nature and he knew somewhere deep inside that he wasn't going to win. He looked into Nikita's startled eyes as he fought to keep from vomiting. She didn't know, then. Good. Through the rising nausea he managed a whisper. Then he gave in and retched, vomiting the drink she had insisted he take. His side exploded in agony as his stomach clenched again and again, helpless to stop it. This time, he prayed for the darkness.

Nikita heard him whisper to her. Two words: Drugged and then Focus. She stepped back as he began to retch, turning away so she wouldn't have to see his agony. She grabbed her anger and held it, like a white hot sun it flamed inside of her burning all else to cinders. As she stepped towards Morgan, she heard Michael vomiting. Then, she heard a sharp crack, followed by another on the next spasm. My God, she thought. His ribs! Her eyes flew to the little Doctor, landing on his face as he smiled his pleasure. Michael's ribs had shattered under the force of his retching .

************

"Nikita, back-up is on it's way." Birkhoff's voice broke through Nikita's comm unit. She was in a bathroom, thankfully alone, as she spoke softly to Birkhoff.

"Did you get all of that? What are we going to do about Michael? How am I supposed to get the disk now?" Nikita let emotion color her voice for a moment. She sat down on the counter, leaning her head back against the mirror, as she waited for his answer.

It was Madeline's voice she heard next, though. "Cancel him if he breaks, then get out. Back-up will sweep up after you."

Nikita sat up, suddenly tense. "And if he doesn't break, Madeline? How do I get him out?" There was an ominous silence over the comm unit before Nikita whispered again, "You know he won't crack, Madeline. You know it." A sharp knock brought Nikita to her feet.

"Be smart, Nikita" Madeline responded finally as Nikita went to the door.

Opening it, she found Morgan waiting for her. "Sorry. Just freshening up a bit." She stepped out, hands smoothing her hair over her shoulder, letting them move down to the collar of her shirt. Morgan's eyes followed her hands as they played with the top buttons of the blouse. Nikita smiled, moving her hips slightly as she unbuttoned the top two fastens. Dropping her hands to her side, she looked intently at Morgan. "Let's talk payment. I've helped you, now you help me." Morgan swallowed hard as she moved to him.

************

"Back-up team is in position. Hold your mark.", Birkhoff looked to Madeline before continuing. "Get ready on count "

Madeline put her hand on his shoulder, "Have them stand down, a moment, Mr. Birkhoff. I think Nikita has this under control." Birkhoff looked up, startled. Then he relayed the orders.

***********

Nikita was leaning against the desk as Morgan keyed a few words into the computer. "So. Tell me. Who was your contact for Section." She smiled when Morgan looked at her legs before meeting her eyes.

"Why?" he asked, pausing in his typing to try to read her face.

She sifted slightly, knowing that her shirt gaped open just a bit as she did so. "I'm in the business of information, too, Morgan." She purred. "It could be useful to have a friend in such a position."

Morgan smiled sadly. "He's dead. That was part of the deal we had made. I didn't get the Section operative to play with until my contact was dead. Then the information would be relayed to me only after several weeks had passed." Morgan looked back to the screen. "There. All done, my dear. No need to worry any longer." Nikita leaned forward to take the disk Morgan held out for her. He pulled it back just as she reached out for it. "Not so fast, JC." Morgan tucked the disk in his pocket. "We have a task to finish first." He stood, and Nikita took the hand he offered to her.

"Of course", she said as she straightened from the desk.

They began to walk back to Michael. Halfway there, Nikita abruptly stopped, turning to face Morgan. "Tell me, Morgan. Did this contact know Michael personally?"

Morgan didn't answer her. Realizing that he was trying to figure out why she was pressing this issue, Nikita said, "I'm not trying to be nosy, Morgan. It just could be helpful to know if it was a friend who turned him over to you, or someone else. Agreed?"

Morgan shifted on his feet, debating her argument for a moment before smiling at her. "Yes, of course, my dear, of course." Taking her elbow as they began to walk once again, he leaned close, almost whispering, "He was a rival, so to speak. His name was Jurgen. " It was all Nikita could do to keep from stumbling.

************

Madeline listened with great interest to this exchange. Suddenly thoughtful, she didn't immediately respond to the question Birkhoff had asked. When he turned to look at her, she nodded to him. "Go." She said, then went back to listening.

************

Nikita heard Birkhoff give the go ahead for the back-up team to move in. Knowing the time for action was near, she steadied herself by counting. It was a trick Michael had taught her, early in her training. She glanced over to where he was hanging, head down, breath coming in rattling gasps. Focus Michael, she silently pleaded to him, not much longer now. She looked to Morgan. He had his back to her, talking to the that damn Doctor. Casually, Nikita went to Michael, leaning close so he could hear her. "We're almost there, Michael. Hold on". He didn't look good and Nikita wondered at the amount of blood he had lost. She counted again, pushing her worry down and letting only anger rise to the surface. "Good work ", she heard Michael rasp the words out between cracked lips. Fortified, she went to Morgan, standing close. Very close. He seemed to sense something had changed in her demeanor as he stiffened and started to turn to her. Nikita's hand tightening on his neck stopped him. The gun she pulled out from her stocking made his eyes widen. Smiling, she shot the two guards moving toward them. Then she knocked Morgan unconscious with her fist before turning on the squinty eyed Doctor. Grabbing him by one arm and twisting it behind his back, she demanded, "Key! Unchain him! Now!" God, she thought, this felt good! She went to Morgan, searching his pockets for the disk as the terrified Doctor stammered at her that he didn't have the key. Searching further, Nikita found it in one of Morgan's pockets. She stood, hearing guards running and gunfire in the distance, before whirling around and kicking the Doctor in the head. He fell, silently. Quickly now, she moved to Michael, freeing his feet first, then standing on tip-toe to reach his manacled wrists.

Michael watched Nikita move through a gray fog. His thoughts were formless, now. Not even counting helped him block all the pain. He saw her retrieve the disk first and almost smiled, pleased that she remembered the mission first before she kicked the Doctor. That did make him smile. His next awareness was of Nikita fumbling with locks at his wrists. He felt one dead hand fall free and tried to prepare himself for the moment when the other would follow suit. It didn't work. As soon as Nikita freed his left hand, he fell, trying desperately not to land on top of her. She tried to turn him, he could tell, but the impact of hitting the ground sent agony through his side, broken ribs rubbing, crunching together like gravel. It was a few moments before he could breathe again. He opened his eyes to find himself on his back, Nikita bent over him, yelling at him to get up, they had to get out. He looked into her wide blue eyes and saw her strength shining through her fear. He grabbed at it. Taking a painful breath, he sat up. Then he allowed Nikita to help him to his feet. Focusing inward, he looked at her for a long moment. His eyes flickered. Then he said, "Go", and they began to move. Michael counted each jarring step he took.

************

Madeline spoke through the comm unit, directing teams in various directions. She received word that Nikita was clear and she had Michael with her. Nodding, more to herself than to Birkhoff, she switched channels again, ordering another team to change positions. This had been interesting, she thought. Very interesting indeed. Then she smiled.

************

Epilogue

Michael sat gingerly at his computer. Wincing slightly as he raised his left hand. The wound had been left partially open to prevent infection, and his ribs still hurt constantly. But he was out of Med. Lab and that was all he cared about for now. He didn't think he could have stood one more day in there. He despised being ill or injured. The doctors knew that and so had been lenient, letting him leave after three days had passed and he could walk on his own. Confined to Section was a lot better than being confined to Med. Lab. Sighing, he carefully reached out and turned his computer on.

Nikita stood staring out at the city. Madeline, she believed, had wanted her to cancel Michael. She shook her head. She had always thought of Michael as the golden boy, the one who could do no wrong. She had never seriously considered that Operations or Madeline would have him canceled. She moved back inside, idly touching things around her as she moved. He had been damaged, far worse than she had ever seen him. How he had managed to hold on to consciousness and make it back to the van, she would probably never know. It had been an inhuman effort on his part. Yet, she saw him differently, now. She paused, trying to put a word to it. Somehow he seemed vulnerable now. The thought almost startled her. If he was vulnerable, then he was human. She sat down, thinking about that for a long time.

Madeline opened the door and stepped into the white room, letting it close heavily behind her. Morgan sat in chair, waiting for his fate to be revealed to him. They had kept him waiting for three days as they probed his computer network. The long days of waiting and wondering had already made him malleable. Madeline smiled at him before beginning. "Mr. Morgan", she walked around behind him. "I think you'll find our methods quite different from those you are used to implementing." She paused in front of him again, the smile falling from her face. "They will be just as effective, but a little less primitive." She smiled again, reading clearly the fear on Morgan's face.

"What do you want to know?", Morgan stammered.

Madeline tilted her head to one side, letting the silence stretch as she considered him. "Tell me everything you know about a man named Jurgen and the information he passed along to you " Madeline was pleased. This was going to be fun.

Operations watched Madeline on the screen. He enjoyed watching her work. He looked down as Michael walked beneath him on his way to his office. Still a bit tentative, he thought, but he'll recover soon enough. Nikita had saved him, just as he had thought she would. And, he thought, she had learned a valuable lesson. He smiled.

fini

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[> [> Shanola, I remember this one! (r) -- Cynaera, 21:10:33 05/03/03 Sat

Didn't you post it at SB1 about a million years ago? I'm not going to touch it ~ it's a historical landmark. LOL!

Good to see you here!

Hugs,
Cynaera

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[> [> [> Hey, Cynaera. -- Shanola, 21:40:42 05/04/03 Sun

I did post this years ago. And it's archived at Ranma's, in all it's unbeta'd glory.*g*

But don't let that stop you from giving it a once over, if you want to. That's why I posted it.*g*

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[> [> Okay, I've succumbed to this process and (r) -- JayBee, 23:16:51 05/06/03 Tue

hereby offer my feedback on the very first scene from this chapter. (I haven't had time to do any more, but might try to later.) I'm not sure how much help this will actually be, but it was kind of fun trying.

***********

Nikita stood still, breathing evenly and counting. When I read the words "evenly" and "counting" in such close proximity, I suddenly have this image of her breathing in bursts of 2's and 4's and 6's, LOL. I *know* that isn't what you meant, and that I'm a total freak for imagining such a bizarre thing, but I couldn't help but mention it. Heh. And yes, this beta is probably going to be just as weird the whole way through, just in case you were wondering. *g* On the other side of this door, she thought, is some poor soul who has had the misfortune of crossing paths with all the wrong people. Or maybe, she reflected, they really do deserve this sort of thing. Maybe add "further" after reflected in the prior sentence? This makes it clear that she is weighing possibilities. Otherwise, you don't need to say "she reflected" at all, since you already established in the prior sentence that we're being shown her thoughts here. She could think of at least three people who might deserve this. Three seems like an oddly specific number. It sent my mind wandering off, trying to guess which three baddies from various episodes they might be, and why others wouldn't have made the cut for the top three, instead of paying attention to the scene here. Maybe you could just say "several" or some such thing, so as to prevent easily distracted people like me from going off on tangents as we read. *g* Now was not the time for those thoughts. She counted to ten and then to ten again. Why again? Maybe she wasn't quite ready after the first round, so she paused and started over? If so, explaining that in a little more detail would go a long way toward bringing her nervousness to life. One other point, though: she was already counting at the beginning of the paragraph, so this seems like an awfully long period of counting by now. Perhaps the very first sentence should delete the counting reference altogether, and simply refer to her trying to breathe evenly to calm herself, or some such thing. From her comm unit she could hear the crackle of static. Birkhoff's Birkoff'svoice was coming through, but it was faint. I can do this, she thought. I must do this. Use my emotions to do what?!? She almost panicked. Breathe in, she blanked her mind breathe out she had her emotions breathe in, she felt nothing breathe out . These last few sentence could use some commas and italics to set off the thoughts.

The heavy metal door swung open, revealing a dank dark room. This might just be me, but I tripped over "dank dark". It sounds like a tongue-twister. Also, who opened the door? If *she* didn't -- and the way it's worded, it doesn't really sound like she did -- how did whoever opened it know that she was ready? Nikita stepped in and came to stand beside Morgan. Off to her left, she could see the prisoner Morgan had chained from the ceiling. She ignored him for now. "What .progress have you made?" Nikita was pleased that her voice sounded cool and collected. I would start a new paragraph with the "What progress etc."

Morgan let a smile touch his lips. If this is Nikita's POV, I don't know that she would interpret it as "letting" a smile touch his lips, because that goes to his intent, which she is not privy to. She would simply see him smile. He cupped Nikita's elbow with his hand and turned her toward the prisoner. Leaning close, he whispered, "Let me show you, my dear. You'll like this." Start a new paragraph after this.Nikita let Morgan lead her to the circle of light where the prisoner was being held. A short little short little? I don't think you need both. man in surgical scrubs was working on some kind "some kind" sounds a bit funny to me, maybe you can describe what it looks like? of drill. He looked up when they approached. Start a new paragraph after this. "JC, this is our Doctor. I think you will find his work rather extraordinary. Doctor? Will you show our guest your latest innovation?"

The little man looked at Nikita with squinty eyes before moving to the prisoner. Nikita followed him with her gaze. She took a breath when the doctor pointed out the cut he had made. She could see thick streaks of blood running down the prisoner's bare side and soaking into his black pants. Nikita felt her stomach clench. Her gaze was riveted to the blood. She forced herself to breathe. This is not happening, she thought, this is not happening. The doctor was speaking to her, something about the drill he had been working with. Nikita stared at the gaping wound in the man's side as the doctor pulled the flesh apart to let her see the holes he had been drilling into the ribcage. Breathe, Nikita thought, I have to breathe. She felt her eyes going wide as they traveled to the bent head of the prisoner. He was moving, moaning softly as the doctor prodded the incision. I have to breathe, she thought, I just have to breathe. Nikita began to tremble.

A lot of the above paragraph strikes me as sort of choppy -- lots of very short sentences in a row. In addition, while terseness can be good, I think a paragraph dealing with a subject matter so gruesome could have used a little more description of the gore. Nikita is supposed to be so horrified that she can barely breathe: try to make the reader feel that way, too. Instead of just saying that her gaze was riveted to the blood, describe what the blood looks like, what it's doing, mention the sound she hears when the doctor pulls the flesh apart, whether the flesh quivers, etc. Also, it would probably be livelier if you included actual dialogue instead of just telling us that the doctor said something. And again, it would be helpful if you italicized or broke out internal dialogue somehow.

***

That's all I had time for, but I might take another stab at the chapter later. And again, Shanola, thank you for volunteering this! I think this was a fantastic idea.

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[> [> [> Sweetie, you can beta for me anyday! LOL! -- Nell, 12:31:37 05/07/03 Wed

I would find these sort of comments extremely helpful...

Nell

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[> [> [> [> Jaybee has stepped into the 'beta breech' for me a few times (r) -- Genevieve, 04:58:17 05/14/03 Wed

And she *is* very good. Especially with those Maddy/Paul chaptes. Heh heh.

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