Date Posted:18:15:30 08/12/01 Sun Author: codename: Tabitha Subject: Re: On the Drawing Board..... In reply to:
codename: Tabitha
's message, "On the Drawing Board....." on 18:09:15 08/12/01 Sun
Michael and Nikita found themselves alone- a welcome event in other circumstances- but this time they would not be rejoicing. How in the world, did we get ourselves into this? Nikita wondered as she glanced around the alley. Everything in her had rebelled against going into a darkened alley alone, but then she wouldn’t have counted on being double crossed by her own mobile com. Which in itself is a stupid move, but why anyone would want Jones’s job is beyond me.
“Nikita! Michael!” Both started as their Com units blared to life.
“ What?” Nikita asked.
“ There’s a car two blocks from your current location, get in it.”
They looked at each other to do so was fool hardy but then what choice did they have? There was no way they could outrun their presueers. They had a better chance of handeling what ever was in the car, by unspoken agreement they headed in that direction.
The car was actually a Limo minivan, its doors thrown open as they approached. “ Get in!” Recognizing the voice, Nikita jumped in seconds ahead of Michael. The van didn’t wait for the doors to close, before heading off into the night. Adam smiled at them and nodded to the driver.
“ What are you doing here?”
“I’ve property in the area.” Michael’s son said with a frown.
~~~>>>~~~
Nikita’s mouth dropped open as she looked around her. The gates opened and she didn’t fail to notice the gaurds, but it was the house that caught her eyes and held them. It was known to belong to Adam’s Grandfather.
“ Adam-How?” Nikita said walking up the stairs.
“ My grandfather’s empire was more vast then even Section knew. Come I’ll explain inside.” Adam waved off the escorts and showed them into a homey sitting room. He motioned for them to sit, as he closed the doors. “ Can I get you something?” he asked. At their denials he took a seat himself.
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Hmm....well, (r) -- Surgeon Shanola in full mask and gown., 21:42:42 08/12/01 Sun
I see lots of stuff that needs improvement here, Tabitha. First of all, this piece seems really rushed. It's been my experience that good writing sets a pace that will let the story unfold on its own. This doesn't have it that sort of pace. You are trying to do too much at once. I suggest you slow down and expand some of these scenes.
Okay, let's get into the details now. I'll offset my comments like ####Comment#### this.
I just want to remind you that my comments are not meant to hurt feelings. They are intended to be constructive to help you improve. I will admit that this got a little bloody, meaning, I see a lot wrong with what you've posted. So be prepared, okay?
Michael and Nikita found themselves alone- a welcome event in other circumstances- but this time they would not be rejoicing.####Who are Michael and Nikita? Are they hot, cold? In bed? What does it smell like? Is it night or day?#### How in the world, did we get ourselves into this? Nikita wondered as she glanced around the alley.####How in the world NO COMMA did we get ourselves into this COMMA, Nikita wondered as she glanced around the alley.#### Everything in her had rebelled against going into a darkened alley alone,####But....isn't Michael with her?? He was a minute ago! Where did he go? And when?#### but then she wouldn’t have counted on being double crossed by her own mobile com.####What? What do you mean, betrayed by her own mobile com? What IS a mobile com? And how was she betrayed by it? Very, very confusing.#### Which in itself is a stupid move, but why anyone would want Jones’s job is beyond me. ####Okay, this sentence doesn't fit anywhere else in the paragraph. It needs to be cut entirely. It doesn't make any sense.####
“Nikita! Michael!” Both started as their Com units blared to life.
“ What?” Nikita asked. No space between " and W.
“ There’s a car two blocks from your current location, get in it.”No space between " and W. Replace the comma after location with a period and then capitalize Get. Your sentence should look like, "There's a care two blocks from your current location. Get in it."
They looked at each other to do so was fool hardy but then what choice did they have?####Okay, I really have no idea what this sentence means, but I *think* it's supposed to be "They looked at each other.(period) To do so WOULD BE foolhardy (comma), but then (comma), what choice did they have?#### There was no way they could outrun their presueers.####pursuers#### They had a better chance of handeling what ever####whatever is one word#### was in the car,####replace this comma with a period, then capitalize By#### by unspoken agreement they headed in that direction. Okay, I'm really confused now. What pursuers? This is new information, and it sounds pretty important, but you've tossed it casually out there. And if they are in an alley, how will they get out? Is it a dead end alley or a place between two buildings and two streets? I need more information on that as well as the new pursuers.
The car was actually a Limo minivan, its doors thrown open as they approached.####What is a Limo minivan? Do they really exist? Sounds really strange to me.*shrug* Perhaps a more common car would be better.#### “ Get in!” Recognizing the voice, Nikita jumped in seconds ahead of Michael. The van didn’t wait for the doors to close,####Comma splice here. You do not need a comma here. Lose it.#### before heading off into the night. Adam smiled at them and nodded to the driver. ####Adam? Michael's son, Adam??####
“ What are you doing here?” Who said that?
“I’ve property in the area.” Michael’s son said with a frown. "I've property in the area," Michael's son said with a frown. ####Please see Nestra's post at Briefing in Five on the subject of commas.####
Okay, lots of information here. First, Michael and Nikita were alone in an alley. Then, they were betrayed. Then they were being pursued. Then, they meet Michael's son. So. I'm wondering who the pursuers are, how they are connected to the alleged betrayal and just how old ARE Michael and Nikita now, anyway? Let's see, if Adam is Michael's son and he owns property, then he must be, at the youngest, mid twenties. That puts Michael somewhere in his fifties and Nikita in her late forties or early fifties, right? Wow. And they are still only Operatives? That seems really, really strange to me.
~~~>>>~~~
Nikita’s mouth dropped open as she looked around her. The gates opened and she didn’t fail to notice the gaurds, but it was the house that caught her eyes and held them. It was known to belong to Adam’s Grandfather. Michael's dad owned this house?
“ Adam-How?” Nikita said walking up the stairs. No space between " and Adam. You should replace the hyphen with ellipses. A hyphen means the speaker was cut of abruptly. Ellipses (...) mean the speaker lets their voice fade out.
“ My grandfather’s empire was more vast then even Section knew. Come Period. I’ll explain inside.” Adam waved off the escorts and showed them into a homey sitting room.####Adam showed the escorts into a homey sitting room? And what is homey, anyway? Description fills a fic with lush details and makes it more enjoyable for the reader.#### He motioned for them to sit,####No comma here#### as he closed the doors. “ Can I get you something?” he asked. At their denials he took a seat himself. By using the word 'denials' here, you imply there was an accusation. There was not an accusation, only an offer of food or drink. Perhaps you could replace 'denials' with 'refusal'.
You really need to read the Briefing in Five that Nestra posted. The link is included in the post beneath this one. I strongly encourage you to read it soon, as you've made several grammar errors that she talks about.
I'm curious to see what you have planned for this story. Michael and Nikita in their forties and fifities will certainly be different reading. How much they must have changed! And Adam...all grown up. Is he a friend or foe? Hmm...!
Okay, one more comment on pace. A nice start to this story would be for Michael and Nikita to be running from their pursuers. This would be a nice way to introduce us to the whom these pursuers are as well as get them into the alley.
Don't forget to add detail. Strong stories are made in the details. Readers LIKE details! Details are what bring fiction to life.
This needs a major rewrite, but don't be discouraged by that. The fun of writing is rewriting.*g* It's an amazing process. Rewrites are a good thing. I look forward to seeing your rewrite of this piece. =D
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Shanola hit the grammer stuff... (r) -- delle, 23:16:21 08/12/01 Sun
and she's so freaking good at it, that I'm not going to discuss it at all. Except to say you really need to run a spell check and I agree with her reference to the Briefing in Five columns. Nestra literally just covered a lot of your grammatical problems in her latest column.
OK, my betas are usually more plot and characterization related. And I have some real difficulties with your set up. Adam is old enough to have a home, drive a car, order flunkies around? Then he must be... what? 25 or so? So I'm assuming you've placed your story about 20 years in the future.
But... you haven't told us how Michael got back into Section. And he's now a good 55 years old. He's still a cold op, going out on missions? I just can't see that. And what happened to Nikita being the head of Section?
Even if I could assume that you'll explain both of those problems, I would think Michael would sooner die than have Adam know about his life in Section.
You have Adam taking them back to his 'grandfather's house'. I'm assuming you mean the house from the Season 3 arc. Salla Vacek's empire has survived 20 years? Who ran it? Does that mean Adam is now the head of a criminal empire? I think Michael might have a problem with that.
I'm not sure where you're headed with the story next, but I wanted to point out a few problems with your characters as you've presented them so far.
Thanks for posting to the Beta Board. It takes a lot of courage to put your 'baby' up for critical inspection. As Shanola said, we're not trying to tear *you* down, only point out potential problems and weaknesses in your story.
