Chapter 1: Courez -- The Beta Board

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Date Posted: 13:40:02 11/02/01 Fri
Author: lafemme
Subject: Chapter 1: Courez
In reply to: lafemme 's message, "Need a beta reader here please" on 13:32:31 11/02/01 Fri

1

Today had been much like any other day for Nathalie or Nat as friends had so often called her. She woke up, fixed breakfast, cleaned the apartment, went to the grocery store, came home, put away the groceries, and with all of her daily chores done, she actually found time to sit down and rest. The sound of her body hitting the futon actually felt good.

However, now was not the time to rest, but rather to write. The trouble was, she didn't know what to write. It was three years ago today that Nathalie had quit her job as a teacher and decided to become a writer. Nat had been tooling around with the idea of writing and attempted to write in various formats. She currently wrote what was known as "fanfic" stories and posted her work to various mailing lists and newsgroups on the Internet. The response to her stories was almost always the same. Her writing style intrigued people, and they often encouraged her to take up writing full time.

Nathalie thought, 'What the hell!' and waited until the end of the school year in 1996. She didn't quit outright, but took a leave of absence instead. Nat knew it was a gamble, but she figured she needed to give this 'thing' . . . this writing a try. If she succeeded, then she could smile proudly at her accomplishments. If not, then she could still go back to her school district and accept whatever they gave her. Kneeling at her bed each night, Nat prayed that someone would like her writing enough to publish her.

She'd submitted a couple of story ideas in the past to publishers, agents or anyone that would listen to her. She was turned down every time. Now, time was running out for Nathalie and it was calling to her . . .

School days . . . school days . . . dear old golden rule days . . .

Sighing to herself, Nat decided to take her cure for the "what will happen to me" blues. She picked her keys off of the kitchen table and headed for the movies.

Nat was a real lover of the movies. She'd acquired a rather large collection of videos during the past ten years. People often joked that she could open her own video store with all the movies she had acquired. She loved every type of film, but her favorite was the romance. Hollywood had only recently learned that not all moviegoers were in the 18 to 25 age range. They finally discovered that other patrons such as Nathalie were willing to shell out seven or eight dollars providing the movie was of acceptable quality.

Finding that movie of exceptional caliber proved to be a little more difficult for Nathalie tonight. As she approached the movie theater, she realized that she didn't know what she wanted to see. She then remembered that she had yet to see the film "The Thomas Crown Affair." It sounded like a good movie, even if she didn't remember who the love interest was for the movie. The only one she cared about was Pierce Brosnan. He had that certain quality that sent her heart fluttering each time she saw him on the screen. "Well, 'The Thomas Crown Affair' it is!" Nathalie proclaimed aloud as she walked up to the box office.

About two hours later, Nat concluded that this had been a good cure. She hoped inspiration would strike soon. Nathalie was about to put on her sunglasses when she noticed it was dark outside. Looking at her watch, she then realized it was eight o'clock in the evening! No wonder she'd paid so much for the movie! Nat chuckled to herself and proceeded to her car. While walking to the car, Nat kept a watchful eye out for anything suspicious. Everything was normal. Once she spotted her car, she turned off the alarm and opened the door. As soon as she was inside, she quickly locked the door. "Nothing like being paranoid," she said to herself. Nathalie pulled out of the parking lot and then waited patiently for her turn to enter traffic.

While waiting, Nathalie was startled when she heard a noise near her car door. Turning to her right, she screamed as she saw a man with a gun in his hand.

'Oh my god! This is a carjacking' she thought.

She looked back and saw that there was now a car blocking her only way of escape. Nathalie quickly determined that the best solution was to leave her car. She attempted to unlock her side only, but instead she unlocked the passenger's door! The man quickly opened the door and climbed into the passenger's seat.

"GO!" the man commanded.

Nathalie quickly darted into traffic, almost hitting a truck in the process. "Listen, you can have the car . . . just let me out of here . . . there's not much in my purse . . . but you can you have whatever . . . I . . ." Nathalie was panicking. She didn't know what to do.

Neither did Michael.

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[> [> COMMENTS: Re: Chapter 1: Courez -- Nestra, 11:29:14 11/07/01 Wed

Today had been much like any other day for Nathalie comma or Nat comma as friends had so often called her. Had called her? Do they no longer call her that? She woke up, fixed breakfast, cleaned the apartment, went to the grocery store, came home, put away the groceries, and with all of her daily chores done, she actually found time to sit down and rest. The sound of her body hitting the futon actually felt good.

Aside from that last sentence, the paragraph tells us much more than it shows. First of all, I'd question whether it's necessary to the story. If it is, then I'd like you to show us more about this original character. This doesn't give us any special information about her except her name.

However, now was not the time to rest, but rather to write. The trouble was, she didn't know what to write. It was three years ago today that Nathalie had quit her job as a teacher and decided to become a writer. Nat had been tooling around with the idea of writing and attempted to write in various formats.

I'd suggest trying to rephrase some of those sentences so they aren't so passive. You've got a lot of "was" and "been" and "had", which doesn't give a sentence any impact.

Nat was a real lover of the movies. She'd acquired a rather large collection of videos during the past ten years. People often joked that she could open her own video store with all the movies she had acquired. She loved every type of film, but her favorite was the romance. Hollywood had only recently learned that not all moviegoers were in the 18 to 25 age range. They finally discovered that other patrons such as Nathalie were willing to shell out seven or eight dollars providing the movie was of acceptable quality.

I'm still getting a sense of telling, and this still isn't helping me get to know Nat. She loves movies--how does that tie into what's about to happen?

"Well, 'The Thomas Crown Affair' it is!" Nathalie proclaimed aloud as she walked up to the box office.

Why would she say that out loud?

Nathalie quickly determined that the best solution was to leave her car. She attempted to unlock her side only, but instead she unlocked the passenger's door!

How did she manage to do that? Most cars with power locks unlock all doors at once. And even if she opened all the doors, she could still make a run for it.

Nathalie quickly darted into traffic,

What happened to the car that was blocking her escape?

almost hitting a truck in the process. "Listen, you can have the car . . . just let me out of here . . . there's not much in my purse . . . but you can you have whatever . . . I . . ." Nathalie was panicking. She didn't know what to do.

Nice description of her panic.

Neither did Michael.

This is a POV switch here, since the rest of the chapter is from Nat's POV. I know the effect you're going for, but maybe there's another way to achieve it without switching POVs.

About your Mary Sue concerns: There's a nice Mary Sue reference here, and of course, Shanola wrote a great column on Mary Sue that's up at Briefing in Five Minutes. I do have to say that if you're concerned about Nat being a Mary Sue, I would take out the part about her being a fanfic writer. That almost immediately identifies her as being a stand-in for you, whether she is or not.

Additionally, I haven't seen any point to her being a writer. Maybe that information about her could come out in conversations with Michael or other characters, rather than having it in an expository lump at the beginning of the story.

The grammar's generally very clean, and you do a good job varying your sentence structure.

More later.

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