Comments on 9 and 10 -- The Beta Board

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Date Posted: 11:18:33 06/24/02 Mon
Author: Nestra
Subject: Comments on 9 and 10
In reply to: Deedra 's message, "The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 9" on 15:29:19 06/18/02 Tue

Michael is call by Birkoff, "Operations wants a word."

Michael is called by Birkoff. "Operations wants a word."

Or, even better, "Birkoff called Michael." Active voice is often a better choice than passive voice.

"Lynn, Christie, Patric and Czar."

One of them is named "Czar"?

"Yes, I see them. close quotes Michael replies.

On level 29, Michael's abeyance operatives egress from the elevator shaft.

Again, I have to question the use of "egress" here. It seems...unnecessarily complicated.

Birkoff passes control of COMM to Denise, "Michael, Denise will take it from here."

Why?

"Denise, we are at first point," pipes Michael.

Pipes? That's not really a verb I can see describing Michael.

"The infra red shows that there are two hostels around the second corner," pipes Denise.

You mean "hostiles". Also, second use of "pipes".

Michael orders Lynn and Christie take point and engage. A battle pursues.

I think you mean "ensues". "Pursues" means chases.

"Denise, Lynn and Christie are out of play but not before taking out the oppositions."

So, these two people just got killed offscreen? That's kind of a major event to just skip over. Also, you want "opposition", single.

"Continue down the hall and take the next two rights. Michael, I have new Intel from Kira.

Why didn't they know this before?

You not only need to retrieve the info from the PC but you will also need to find the following hierarchies of the Ersatz Alliance.

A hierarchy is like a chain of command. You can't use it to describe people. I'm not sure what word you're looking for, here.

Bring them up for interrogation. Here is the synopsis (profile) on each one. "
(readers note; Personality Disorders. http://mentalhelp.net/personalitydisorders/symptom.htm)

Notes like this in the middle of the story are really distracting.

"There is John, Mitch and Malcolm. John is Paul's adversary. He is narcissistic. Then theirs Mitch who is John's assistant. He is Paranoid and a little Schizotypal. Finally there is Malcolm the cryogenics physician, partner to Kira, Chief Cryogenics.

Okay. Why do each of the clones have some kind of personality disorder, especially since they play no part in the rest of the story? It's unlikely from a scientific viewpoint as well. Since the clones are completely manufactured, wouldn't they take out any personality defects? One assumes that they're creating clones to be operatives, but narcissistic and paranoid operatives wouldn't be very useful.

"Michael you will find John and Mitch in the west wing and Malcolm in the cryogenics lab."

How do they know this?

"We have arrived at the PC and Grant is uploading the data now." Pipes Michael.

Third use of pipes.

Birkoff shouts, "It's coming in."

Why would he shout?

Meanwhile, Nikita and Marco are making their way down to level 30 by way of the stairs.

Why are they going to level thirty?

'What's this? " Nikita boasts.

Boasts isn't really an appropriate word in this context.

"Nikita, come in and set down." Madeline orders.

"sit" down.

Before Walter can finish his sentence, another Nikita, Denise Richards lookalike, enters the room from a side door.

How can she be both "another Nikita" and a "Denise Richards lookalike"? Since Denise Richards looks nothing like Nikita.

Nikita immediately puts her in the sight of her gun. Looking back at Paul, Madeline and Walter, Nikita switches sight with the gun.

Switches to who?

I don't understand. Who... who is she.... Who are you?" Nikita's eyes begin to fill with water.

Uh, in my opinion, Nikita's much more likely to get angry when dealing with Section than she is to start crying, even if she's confused and scared.

"She is not a clone, Nikita. She is your sister. That's right, Just like Birkoff and Jason."

Jason? We haven't even seen Jason? And how does Nikita have a twin she never knew about? One set of twins on the show strains belief. Two sets are really unlikely.

Nikita yalls,

yells

Paul grows visible impatient with Nikita's attitude, "Nikita stop it1 We need..."

visibly impatient

Knowing Paul will only fuel Nikita's emotions, Madeline interjects, "The Paul, Madeline and Walter upstairs are our clones. Just you and Birkoff have twins. We are the originals."

And what conceivable reason does she have to believe them? Why have these three been sitting down here, letting their clones run the show? What was the point of the mission to stop the clones?

she begins to come down.

Come down from what?

Marco positions him self behind Nikita for support.

Nikita and O'Brien were never really that close.

Nikita, your sister name is Nicky. " adds Madeline.

"Nikita, your sister's name is Nicky," adds Madeline.

Madeline continues, "Nicky has decided to stay here with us which means you can go."

What? Where did Nicky come from? Why would she decide to voluntarily stay in Section? Wouldn't Nikita think twice before abandoning this sister she just found out about?

Paul becomes fedup with Nikita's on-again off-again attitude, "No, Nikita it's April fools and you're the fool. No, no it's true. Your free to go."

"fed up". "you're free". And Paul's fed up with *her* attitude?

Paul continues as NIkita regains her composure, "However, this time you don't get to use Sections resources. And no Section will not defend you from hostiles. We will, however, provided you with some cash and you can keep your current transportation. Go...get out of here before I change my mind. And leave the gun on the table."

So they're just going to let her go. Section, who never lets anyone go alive.

Nikita waists no time.

"wastes"

She jumps to her feet and heads for the door.

Without saying goodbye to Walter? Birkoff? Her new sister?

As they leave, they run into Michael and his team.

Who have been doing what, all this time?

"Michael, I'm leaving Section."

Michael calmly replies, "I know."

What? How does he know? There's no way he could possibly know this.

Nikita nods her head and they all part ways.

So she also leaves Michael behind without a second thought?

Nikita puts her luggage in the back seat, gets in the car placing the little red box in the front passenger seat as she heads to the airport.

How did she know to bring her luggage, back when she left her apartment?

She turns on the radio and Someone Saved My Life Tonight by Elton John begins playing.

It just happens to be playing on the radio? That's unlikely.

Final comments: I'm afraid that you have some pretty severe holes in your plot. You may know what you want to get across in your story, but you have to make the connections in your story, rather than manipulating the plot so that events come out the way you want them to.

Hope this helps.

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Replies:

[> [> [> Re: Comments on 9 and 10 > You're amazing! Thanks! -- Deedra, 13:43:17 06/26/02 Wed

Thanks for the time and effort you've put into Beta reading for me. Words can't say how much I appriciate your help. I'll continue to correct the plot inconsistencies etc.

God bless,
Deedra

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