I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be watching this.
"Mmmmm...damn baby...you look good today." Andy said, a sensual growl in his young voice. I could have gone my whole life without hearing my brother say that to another guy.
"You want it? Hmmm? You've been needing it, haven't you?" Devon said in response.
"Oh GOD, yes. I want it." Andy whimpered again, undoing Devon's belt and pulling his pants open while Devon ran his hands back and forth over Andy's head. And as he lowered Devon's pants and underwear to the floor, he got down on his knees in front of him. Devon's erection sprang up, and bounced eagerly in front of Andy's waiting lips...and just as I saw my brother open his mouth to take it inside, I turned my head away and closed my eyes as tight as I could! Omigod....Andy's sucking dick! He's sucking dick right in FRONT of me! I refused to look, but Devon was moaning like it was the most incredible mind-blowing sensation that he had ever felt. I could hear slurping noises, and Andy purring with enjoyment as he took it in as deep and sucked on it as hard as his young lips would allow.
I held my breath. I did NOT want them to find out I was there! That would be the most disturbing thing ever...them knowing that I was here watching this right now! I peeked back for a second, and actually saw the teen's boner sliding all the way into Andy's mouth until his nose was buried in his sparse nest of pubes. Then he pulled off and started sucking on his balls. Ohh EWWWWW! He's obviously done this before! They've, like, had PRACTICE! Jesus! No no no, this is NOT happening! I looked away again, and almost knocked over my brother's hockey stick in the closet. I was able to catch it before it made any noise, but at this point, I had to wonder if my heart was beating hard enough to be heard around the BLOCK!
"Shit, Andy...you're gonna make me cum in your mouth..." UGH! NO!!! "You wanna drink it? Huh? You wanna drink my cum?"
"Mmmm...unh unh...not yet." Thank GOD! "Take your clothes off. I want you to fuck me." He wants Devon to *WHAT*???
I heard the sound of clothes being dropped to the floor, and when I peeked back through the door, they were both completely naked and hard as rocks. My nervous jitters got even worse, and I just wanted it to be OVER so I could get out of there! They got on the bed together, and their naked bodies just kinda...wrapped around one another in the most loving way. I mean...it was two BOYS, but...I dunno...it almost looked 'normal', you know? Their lips connected, and they kissed and rolled around for a while, feeling each other up and sliding their bodies up against each other...and there I was stuck in the closet. To scared to watch, too scared to look away. And somewhere between peeks, I saw Devon fingering Andy's little asshole, and nearly fainted!
What the FUCK??? I didn't even know kids DID this at 13 years old! I mean...sure I knew what sex was, but I didn't get any until I was 17. I should...I should stop this. I really should just...like, come out and say something. But I was just too damn scared of the kind of uproar it would cause in our relationship as brothers.
Gee....now that I think about it...it was quite the ironic metaphor. It's Andy who's secretly gay and laying naked with another boy on the sheets Grandma bought him last Christmas...and I'M the one who's scared to come out of the closet and say something because of how it might affect everybody. How backwards is THAT?
I directed my eyes to the floor, trying to busy my mind with something else...ANYTHING else...and then I heard Devon say, "K, you ready?"
"I'm SO ready!"
I heard some shuffling on the bed, and then I heard Andy moan really loud. Something about it sounded almost desperate, and it caused me to look. Andy was on his knees, ass in the air, and his face down on the pillow....with Devon behind him, licking his ass and eating him out like his life depend on it. They both were REALLY into it, and Andy was wiggling his smooth little butt in circles, pushing back on Devon's face while Devon reached between his legs, tugging slowly on Andy's hardness with a firm grip. I quickly slammed my eyes shut again, as this kept going on for another few minutes. They're tossing salads TOO??? Isn't that, like...the ADVANCED class of sex for kids 101??? My brother actually began to BEG for Devon to climb on top of him, and after a few moments of shifting and positioning...I heard Devon enter my brother from behind, and they both nearly screamed from the pleasure of getting what they both wanted.
I made sure not to look for the next few minutes. But I couldn't block out the sounds if I wanted to. The soft patter of flesh hitting flesh. The boyish whimpers of a boy lost in lust. The creaking springs of the mattress. And occasionally, Devon would say something like, "Yeah baby....take it. Take all of it. God you're so tight! Mmmm! Shit!" Then I heard him say, "Turn that pretty ass of yours over. Oooh, yeah, spread it for me. Oh God, let me just....ahhh...sweet, tight ass..."
I looked again to see my brothers legs on Devon's shoulders, knees on his chest, as they kissed passionately and Devon continued to pump in and out of him even faster than before.
What must have been only fifteen minutes worth of gay sex seemed to go on for an ETERNITY for me! But at long last, I heard both boys get wild with their moaning and movements. And I heard Andy say, "Oh God...I'm cumming!" And soon, both boys were blasting off while I shut my eyes and put my fingers in my ears to block out all the senses I could. I was still shaking. Trembling with the worry and concern for this....this....truth And now that both boys had enjoyed an explosive orgasm together, they were just laying there, kissing and cuddling on the bed. And I wanted them to just...go away. Just leave so that I could 'escape' this for a little while.
I just remember my mind going back to memories of my little brother growing up and all the good times that we had together. The time when I accidentally hit him in the forehead with a rock from my slingshot. And the time he broke Dad's car window, and I took the rap for him so he and Danny could go to the circus that weekend. And I remember water balloon fights, and a few dead goldfish, and seeing him hit a home run for the first time in Little League. I mean...Me and Andy were always so close. I mean....he's just a little BOY for crying out loud! How did he go from that to wanting to get rammed by another boy two years older than him? When did he get old enough to say words like 'fuck me' and 'I want it'? I mean...how the fuck did I MISS this???
I heard some more stirring, and some more kissing. And then Andy asked, "What are you doing? You don't have to get dressed if you don't want to. My parents won't be home until almost four O'clock."
"I know. But...just to be safe, I should get going. I mean...I've got stuff to do today anyways, so..." Devon started putting on his clothes, but Andy whined for him to stay.
"Noooooo...come on. That was only one time. I wanna do some more. I wanna suck you all day long." Arrrgh!
"I can't. Really. K?" He told him.
There was a silence, and Andy asked him, "So...you're still gonna go to Stacy's house tomorrow?"
"Come on, dude. Don't start that."
"What? I just think...I mean...why do you still need a girlfriend?" There wasn't an answer at first, and then Andy added, "I mean...we're like...'together' now, right?"
"Yeah. Sure thing."
"So...?" Andy was pushing, but whether he recognized it or not, I could tell by the tone of Devon's voice alone...that this wasn't what Andy thought it was. "Why do you need a girlfriend?"
"I don't. I'm just...we're gonna talk about it later." Andy gave him a roll of his eyes, but he kept his smile. "I can't break up with her right before Christmas, Andy. I just need some time, that's all. It's practically over already. We hardly talk to each other any more."
I saw Andy smile with excitement, and he bounced his way over to the edge of the bed. "Cool! I can't wait. I love you, Devon."
"Yeah. Thanks..." Devon said. "You too."
The next few minutes went by in a blur. I do remember Andy being so turned on that he actually unzipped Devon again and took another few minutes to almost suck him to another orgasm before allowing him to leave. And then he came back into the room, reached in a drawer for a pair of fresh boxers, and then went to the bathroom to take a shower. I had to wait for the water to start running before I knew it was safe, and then I opened the closet door. I crept out carefully, looking at the tussled bed sheets and smelling the fragrance of 'boy on boy' sex in the air. And I was quick to get my ass OUT of that house before he caught me or figured out that I was ever there!
What I did for the next few hours, I couldn't tell you if I tried. I just got back in my car and just...drove. Every red light was an extended moment of meditation for me, and no matter how much I tried, I couldn't scratch the images of what happened out of my mind. Looking at Andy...talking to him, laughing with him, being close to him for so long...I NEVER in a million years would have figured him for a homosexual. NEVER! I mean...Andy was a normal kid! He liked video games and SPORTS and...helping Dad build stuff in the basement! There was nothing gay about him. But the more I thought about it, the more it stressed me to think that maybe I had been missing the signs from the very beginning. Maybe that's why Danny isn't so keen on coming over any more. Hell, maybe this explains a lot of shit that my mind isn't ready to deal with yet. Either way...there was no denying that Andy enjoyed...'whatever that was' with Devon. And he had probably done it before. And he was probably going to do it again. And there was really nothing that I could do about it.
Believe it or not, I took comfort in that. Because I doubt that I'd have the guts to do anything about it if I could.
When I came back that night, Mom and Dad were already home, and Andy was up in his room listening to music. I walked up the stairs, and looked at his closed bedroom door from down the hall for a second before going into my own bedroom. The weird thing is...despite the somewhat shocking events of the afternoon...Andy went right back to being his adorable self. He later came in to bounce on my be and gave me a hug. His smiles were the same, his jokes were the same, his gestures were identical to the boy that I thought I knew yesterday. He was so unchanged, in fact, I almost started to doubt that I had seen him and Devon having sex at all. But as hard as I tried, I just couldn't look at him the same way. There was a barrier between us now that had never been there before. His secret...and my secret of knowing about his secret. And for me....that just made things 'awkward'. Being uncomfortable around Andy wasn't something that either one of us was used to, and when he started to notice me withdrawing from him a bit more...I thought it would be best to just stay away from him altogether.
NOT because he was gay. I mean...the shock hasn't really worn off yet, so I don't even know what that MEANS for us yet. But it's not like I didn't want him to touch me or anything. I just..I didn't know what to SAY to him! I felt like he could see it in my eyes, hear it in my voice...and I didn't want him to know what I know. I could barely look him in the face. But he must have had a lot of practice holding the secret in, because his presentation of normality was 'flawless' He was acting as though he hadn't had his butt pounded just hours ago, and while keeping that secret may be a well rehearsed routine for him...it was a whole other ballgame for me.
Things didn't change until a few days later, when our parents took us to the mall to do some last minute Christmas shopping.
The place had been all dolled up for the holidays, and Christmas music was playing everywhere we went. Andy was happily chatting away with me as always, and the parents were just trying to avoid being bombarded with product placement and pushy salesmen trying to make all the last minute holiday bucks they could before the corporate slave drivers did their numbers for the year. And...somewhere from across the room, I managed to catch a sight that I just didn't want to see.
Sitting over by a fountain, in the middle of the mall, was Devon. I couldn't forget his pretty face, even if I wanted to. And seeing it again made me tense up immediately Andy hadn't seen him yet, but what disturbed me more than anything...was that he was sitting there with a blond girl who was just as 'pretty' as he was. And from the way they were looking at each other...it didn't take much more of a hint to know what was going on. I just didn't want Andy to see it.
"Dude! Did you see the fat Frosty the Snowman display over at the toy store?" Andy beamed happily. "I am SO gonna tackle that thing if the manager takes his eyes off of it! Hehehe!" He had no idea. None at all.
"Hey, Andy...why don't we go back the other way and hit the arcade? You want to? It's my treat!" I said, hoping to keep his attention.
"Arcade?" He said with a weird look. "Mike, people don't go to arcades any more. We've got Xboxes and Playstations now. That place is a GRAVEYARD! Hehehe! You can play people online, hellooo?" He smiled. I reached for his hand, but he shrugged away from me. "Hehehe! What are you doing?"
"Why don't we...uhh..just go grab something to eat in the food court, then? Are you hungry?"
Our parents turned around, and Mom asked, "You boys wanna get something to eat? You can go. Here. Here's a couple of bucks. Just meet us back here at the fountain in a half hour, alright?"
Nooooo, Mom! DON'T point out the fountain!
Then Dad made it even worse by saying, "Hey, Andy...isn't that your friend, Devon, over there?" FUCK!!! What did he do THAT for???
Andy looked over, and saw Devon over by the fountain...just as he leaned in...and started kissing the girl he was worth. It was as if God had timed it JUST right to break the poor boy's right there in front of everybody. I could feel Andy's body temperature drop to absolute zero as his smile faded and his eyes attempted to write the whole thing off as some kind of nightmarish illusion. I lowered my eyes to my feet, and....dammit...I REALLY felt bad for him. Devon and the other girl kept making out, not a care in the world, and Andy's once lively spirit seemed to suddenly collapse in on itself. I don't think I had ever seen him so broken So lost. So helpless.
My father said, "Looks like he's got himself a pretty girl to entertain him today, huh?" Then he rubbed Andy's head, "Maybe you can ask if she's got a pretty friend, Andy. You guys can double date." But Andy didn't say a word.
My mom elbowed my father in the side, "Don't STARE! Let them have fun. I think it's cute."
My mom handed us money, and our parents walked off to continue shopping. But Andy just watched his....boyfriend make out with another girl for another few minutes, and when his eyes began to water up, I put a hand on his shoulder. "Soooo...you wanna eat, or...?" But he shrugged away from me completely, and hid his face. "Andy...Andy, wait up ok?"
"I'll be back."
"Where are you going?"
"I have to use the bathroom." He sniffled.
"I'll meet you by the food court." He said, his voice trembling as he began to break down. He hurried into one of the mall bathrooms, and I thought about following him and maybe...I don't know, 'talking' to him about it or something. But I didn't know exactly how to bring that conversation up. I mean...it's not exactly an easy topic to approach. Especially when I'm not supposed to know what the hell I'm talking about.
So what else could I do? I went to the food court...and I waited for him to join me.
His eyes were blood red when he came to the table. He had no appetite. He didn't want to talk to me. He sulked and pouted the entire time and nearly broke into tears again. I tried to give him an opening by asking if he was ok, and all he said was, "I just wanna go home. I don't wanna be here."
And that was that. He was quiet for the rest of the afternoon. He was dead silent in the car on the way home. And when we got back to the house...he went directly to his room...and he shut the door. I didn't have a way to connect with him on this one. I didn't have any way to communicate my sympathy to his battered heart. Jesus...I couldn't even console him and let him cry on my shoulder because....ARRRGHHH!!!...I'm not supposed to know! But later on that night, I heard Andy on the phone, and it broke my heart too.
"Yes you DID, Devon! I SAW you! I SAW you!" He said into the phone from behind the closed door. His voice had so much pain in it. After all the knee scrapes and slingshot wounds and bloody noses that kid has had over the years...I had never heard so much pain in his voice. "But WHY??? I thought we..." He said. "This isn't FAIR! Devon, I told you how I feel! Why are you doing this?" I heard him beginning to sob, sniffling more as his breaths got shorter and shorter by the second. "You don't even LIKE her!" Andy told him. "Who CARES what people think? Wouldn't you rather just be with me instead?" There was a long pause, and Andy's crying got worse. "Then why did you USE me like that??? Why did you make me feel like....NO!...NO, I don't believe you!" Then he shouted, "Well, FUCK you then!!! Go be with your JOKE of a girlfriend! See if I care!" And he hung up the phone. I didn't dare open his door. I didn't dare knock at it either. But when I heard him fling himself on the bed and start crying, I decided to move away and leave him to his emotions for a while. I didn't know what else to do.
An hour past. And then another. Andy's door never opened once, the entire time. I could occasionally hear him blowing his nose, but that was it. It made me remember my first few heartbreaks. My God...were they ever devastating. But for Andy? To find a cute boy like that who was willing to have sex with another guy...and then leave him for the sake of being with a more socially acceptable girlfriend...that had to be like a rusty knife in the heart. And after a while, I just couldn't STAND it any more!
I couldn't just let him...suffer all alone like that. I got up, and I knocked lightly on his bedroom door. "Andy?"
"Please, just go away, ok? I don't feel good." He said back, his voice strained from crying.
"Can I just talk to you for a minute?"
"Come back later, ok, Mike? Seriously." I could have honored his request, but my heart wouldn't let me. So I slowly opened the door.
"Hey..." I said softly, and closed the door back. Andy was laying on his bed, curled up like a baby, with his face in the pillow.
"Mike...I just wanna be alone right now, ok?"
"I know." I said, but I moved forward and sat down next to him on the bed anyway. I still couldn't believe that he was having full blown SEX on this same bed just a few days ago! But I pushed that image aside and tried to bring my baby brother some comfort in his time of need. "Listen...I mean...if you ever wanna talk..."
"I DON'T wanna talk! Alright? Just leave me alone!" He sobbed.
I sat perfectly still for a moment. Not knowing what the hell I had planned to do to take the pain away. Not knowing what the hell I could possibly say to make this hurt any less than I'm sure it already was. But I instinctively reached out a tender hand, and let it rest on his back as he cried into the pillow. I mustered up a bit of courage and said, "You know...sometimes...guys can be....well, assholes." I started. I didn't know where I was going. I just let my love for my little brother guide me. "Sometimes people just...they do whatever they can to get...what they want. You know? And...they don't care who it hurts. It's just...really stupid, I guess."
Andy rolled slightly to pull away from my hand. "What are you talking about? Can you just go away? PLEASE?" He said with tears running freely down his cheeks again. His throat was so hoarse from weeping so much, and despite my efforts, he just didn't want me to touch him at all He pulled away from me every time, pushing my hand off with his own until finally I stopped trying.
"Andy...you know..." How do I approach this? HOW? "...I know you said that you felt like you didn't have anybody to talk to...but you know you can always call me right? Or send me an email. Or even come visit if you want to. I'm not that far away. I mean...if....things around here ever get too hard to...you know...figure out on your own...you can always count on me. You know that."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he said, "Not this time, Mike. Believe me. Not this time."
"Well, yeah, this time too. I mean...if you wanna talk, Andy, I'm right here. I meant it."
Another pause. A long silence, but a productive one, I assumed. I could almost hear his wheels spinning, and I just...I wanted so BAD for him to say it. Just to get it out of the way for the BOTH of us so we could go back to being siblings again. Instead of...strangers with secrets. "Mike...?"
"Yeah?" I said with baited breath. But then he stopped again and more tears ran down his cheeks. He felt so ashamed. As though he was letting me down. But he WASN'T! I swear to GOD, he wasn't! I know that I reacted kind of weird to the whole thing at first, sure! But right now...sitting on that bed with my poor brother feeling so utterly destroyed inside...all that mattered to me was making him feel better again. That was my 'Andy' laying there with tears in his eyes. Not some gay label or stupid stereotype. There was nothing wrong with him other than he put his trust in someone who didn't deserve it. Why should that be his fault? "Andy, come on, talk to me." I pleaded.
"I...I can't..." He whined.
"Yes, you can. Just...tell me. Ok? I promise you it'll be ok. I promise." But he didn't speak. In fact, when I touched his shoulder again, he began to bawl into his pillow even harder than before. It was too much for him to take. And even though I tried to give him all the pressure free hints that I could...he just couldn't say it out loud. So...I took a leap of faith. "Andy......I 'know'. Ok?"
"No you don't."
"Yeah. I...I do." I said. I rubbed his shoulder for a few seconds, and I don't know how the message was conveyed...but he suddenly popped up to a sitting position and stared at me in horror.
"You KNOW? Wait...what do you know?"
"About..." I stopped. Not wanting to say it myself. Jesus, it was HIS secret, and *I* couldn't even say it. "..About you. And about Devon. I...'know', ok?"
More tears ran out of his eyes. "How??? How do you know? Oh GOD, do Mom and Dad know???"
"No, no...don't panic. Just...I understand, ok? And if this is one of those things that you ever need to...you know, 'talk' about..I'm here for you, k?" I told him. And without any impulse control whatsoever, Andy suddenly lunged forward and hugged me tight around the neck until I could barely breathe!
"Omigod, Mike, I'm so so so so soooooo sorry! I didn't want anybody to know! I didn't know what to do! I just...I didn't..." He was sobbing and babbling at a million miles a minute and all I could think about was trying to get some oxygen to travel through the small area that Andy left for my windpipe to work with.
"Wait...wait...you're choking me..." I said, and lightly pushed him off with a smile. He sat back against his headboard. His eyes had REALLY been given a work out over the last few hours. It seemed to age him almost twenty years from the puffiness alone. "Ok...so, do you want to talk now, or what?" I asked him.
"Ummm...I don't know. About what?"
"About anything, I guess. Just...let it all out."
"You wanna know everything?" He asked.
"Sure." I said at first, and then I looked over at the closet door, and changed my answer. "Well..you know...not EVERYTHING! Just...give me a very very VAGUE description when it comes to certain parts. Ok?" I told him, and then added, "VERY vague!"
And believe it or not, a little smirk appeared on his lips. And that began a conversation that lasted until 4 AM the next morning. Just the two of us, talking about this whole other life of his that I knew nothing about. About kids in his class, and feelings he had, and what he was scared of more than anything. He told me about Danny thinking that he was getting weird, and about how he's afraid to go to gym class because seeing other boys half naked makes him horny. There were some parts that I still really REALLY didn't want to know. Especially when it came to him and Devon. But...just listening to him talk, and ask questions, and confess feelings that he had been hiding for oh so long...it was more than worth it. I could just feel the release. And by the time we went to bed, he was smiling again. It was a sad smile, and nothing cures a heartache overnight...but Andy was so happy to have somebody hear his cries without judgment. And I was happy to see some of that life return to those sullen eyes again.
We had been friends for a long time. But we were brothers for life. And by the time I had to go back to school, the lines of communication had been blown wide open. He writes me almost everyday now. Occasionally giving me a little TOO much information, just for the sake of seeing me squirm. I NEVER know what that boy's gonna say when I pick up that phone or open that email from his computer. Hehehe! I guess he's got a whole new scare tactic now. I'm glad that he got over Devon, who I'm sure is trying hard to love his girlfriend mask as much as he possibly can. What can I say, we make mistakes in love when we're teenagers. Hell, we make mistakes in love every time it happens, even as adults. But Andy's managed to get himself a brand new boyfriend since then. He sends me pictures of him every week, and cannot stop bragging on him. I swear, when I come home from Spring break, I am going to HAVE to meet this amazing boy! Another cutie. Andy's age, and one that really loves Andy for everything he's worth. Looks kinda like a young River Phoenix, believe it or not. Now, I'm not gay, but I can say without hesitation that my brother's got a damn fine taste in high school boys. And evidently he's having a lot of good luck snatching them up too! Can't help but to be proud of him, you know? Go for the gold! That's my boy!
Mom and Dad still don't know. That's a story for him to tell them when he's ready. But I DID tell him to make extra SURE that he checks every single room in that house before he decides to have his boyfriend over for some 'alone' time! EVERY room! TWICE! Just in case!
I don't think he ever understood why I made such a big deal out of it...but I'll be damned if I ever explain it to him. That's one 'oops' moment I'm taking to the grave with me. But if he's happy, then I'm happy. And I'll tell you...
I've never been happier.
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