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Subject: It's not you - it's me


Author:
Raquel
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Date Posted: 14:28:03 10/28/04 Thu
 I had a little opening last night while hanging with my friend "M" - we got to talking about what it means to live in community - and to be so deeply involved in the business at hand - and I told him - when I think about it I feel consumed - it is an overwhelming feeling of being lost - of having to give up one thing for another - mainly my independence and freedom. As I continued speaking - another thought appeared in my head - safety - some how I felt like it was unsafe to leave my world and to enter theirs. It felt safer to have a job - find a man - create a family and settle down. My world would be more secure and predictable - I would be in control. Living in the world of community - felt too unstable - people moving in - and moving out - people I would grow to depend on - and love - and have leave - and all of the drama in-between.

When I stepped back and looked at what I had just processed - I recognized that my reaction to this community - valid or not - had nothing to do with them - but everything to do with my own fears and insecurities. I thought how interesting - that it could stir just those things up - and press those invisible buttons - I hide so no one can reach them.

I also see how scared I am to trust - to surrender to another - to close that escape route - and lock that back door. What would it mean to give my feelings over to another - one or many - who could not only nurture them - but also destroy them - with a swift rejection. I also see the construct of my own definition of what safe is - and it is no more true and real than choosing to live differently and in community.

It feels scary...

Ah, to know it has nothing to do with "you" - and everything to do with myself - in one way makes me feel better - but in another way - scares me - as I see my own limitations much more clearly now.
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It's not you, its meDJ18:23:23 10/28/04 Thu

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