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Subject: Experiencing day 1 on day 2

Author:
Reine

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Date Posted: 14:50:29 09/23/04 Thu

How is it that I am in a woman's course with the intention of connecting more deeply to myself and the women in the course and already (day 1) I am feeling like I want to disconnect.

Last night I clearly communicated my desire to befriend my inner bitch - and yet I am angry and annoyed at the women who are allowing their inner bitch to reign. I committed to speaking my truth - and yet I am feeling like I want to withhold and disconnect from the exact women that I have "truths" to communicate with.

I feel my shut-down in full gear - and my head and heart disconnecting.

The thing is I know that is exactly what they want me to do - retreat, leave them alone, disappear. I know that they want to push me away - as I feel their walls blocking me with coldness - and I feel their fire balls being flung in my direction. I know they want to reject me - because the feelings that come up for them are the same uncomfortable feeling that are coming up for me.

My real challenge is to remain true to my intentions - even in the face of my discomfort.

I also recognize that those who push my buttons - if I allow them - can also be my greatest teachers. After-all - am I not here to learn - grow and evolve a greater understanding of myself and the women in this course.

So, here I am! And I am asking myself - do I care - do I care enough - and why don't they care as much?

But, I am also asking for a way to remain open. To remain compassionate and loving. To allow it all to flow without getting lost in the tide. To not wear it as my own - and allow it to be fashionable in my conversations with myself and others. To be fully expressed, even if I am scared of the consequences.

Beautiful gentlewomen...
I want to be your friends - really and truly. I want to love and accept you in the ways I desire to be loved and accepted myself. We are all so vulnerable - all so powerful. Why not use it to get closer - to build intimacy - instead of using it to drift aimlessly apart.

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Replies:

Subject	Author	Date
If I may be so bold...	Nicole	16:38:13 09/27/04 Mon
It's not you - it's me. -- Reine, 12:31:24 09/28/04 Tue Amen Sister -- Zeus, 16:30:53 09/28/04 Tue Creating and having -- Brazil, 16:55:14 09/28/04 Tue