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Subject: Something to Share

Author:
Jessie

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Date Posted: 23:10:30 09/23/04 Thu

I just wanted a place to share these thoughts, and felt this community was a place they would be received.

We shouldn�t have to toughen up for the world. If our ultimate goal is surrender, how come all of the experiences that we go through on a day to day basis make us colder? I live with fewer protective layers wrapped around my heart than do most people. I allow my emotions to be seen, and react the way I feel without being conscious of saving face. But rather than feeling enlightened or progressive, I feel the harshness of others penetrating my softer, exposed self. I feel how easy it would be to stop loving. If L. can hurt me the way she did tonight, why should I bother being the kind of woman who brings flowers and writes poetry and goes out of her way to make the other person feel special and desired. Why should I let myself stay so open when all it does is invite the possibility of getting hurt again? If I could pinpoint what I�ve learned from her or how she has made me a better person, it would be easier to forgive her and to move on with my life. But I can�t think of anything I�ve gained from the time I�ve spent with her, except a few moments of fun and thoughts of the possibilities that were never realized. What I�m thinking to myself right now is whether other people feel as deeply as I do and just don�t show it, or if I am alone. I was talking to two of my best friends about what happened tonight, and they seemed to be able to relate more to her than to me. They don�t need the level of intensity, depth, commitment and romance that I crave. I�m not turned on by the thought of multiple partners or having her play hard to get--- I just want to feel close to another human being. I want to feel the way I felt when she was in my bed a few nights ago, holding me. It was the first time I had been able to sleep through the night with another woman in my bed, holding me. And we had breakfast together the next morning. It was more intimate, more incredible than sex. Everything felt right and the fact that we hadn�t had sex in awhile and were in anticipation of it made that night all the more wonderful. In fact, it was one of the most perfect nights of my life. But now it�s over, and so are her and I. I�m coming out of that phase of my life just as surrendered, if not more so, than before. However, I am more conscious of the coldness in the people around me.

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Replies:

Subject	Author	Date
opening hearts	Suz	09:58:45 09/24/04 Fri

Sending Warmth~	Elana	17:07:55 09/27/04 Mon