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Date Posted: 21:22:52 12/11/06 Mon
Author: Sandy
Author Host/IP: 66-190-150-089.dhcp.hckr.nc.charter.com / 66.190.150.89
Subject: Re: Thanks guys... (long)
In reply to: Hope 's message, "Re: Thanks guys... (long)" on 20:56:04 12/11/06 Mon

Yeah, I know he did hit bottom hard but that was 3 1/2 years ago. We've talked off and on but I never would say more than "hi, how are you?" and I wouldn't ever have any personal conversations because I didn't want to revisit that period of my life. But he's been persistant and rather convincing lately so I thought I might give it a chance and then he acts like this. Obviously he doesn't know what he wants even though he claims to. He gives mixed messages and I'm not strong enough to play that game so I won't. Plus last night I remembered a gun being waved in my face and someone screaming in my face with their blood vessels bulging...all the times I got my hopes up only to be hurt again; having to buy a safe that has a combination and key to keep my meds in so they wouldn't disappear leaving me to try to cope with nothing until the next month when I could get more, offering to give him half of them if he'd at least leave me half a dose per day so I could somewhat function but still my half disappeared too; trying to keep Matt from knowing what was going on so he wouldn't tell his dad which would have guaranteed that the judge would have given him to his father.

Anyway, I know you're trying to help but when I think of all the stuff that happened and how scared both Matt and I were; how hard it was to try to shield Matt and keep his dad from finding out, all the times I locked myself in the bathroom and cried my eyes out because I couldn't believe this fairy tale relationship had turned into a nightmare and I didn't know what to do... it's not worth taking a chance on again.

I talked to Bill last night and that helped. He was there for most of what went on. He was a friend to both of us but he saw how bad it got and he reminded me that I was so miserable and scared, not knowing what to expect. I better think long and hard about whether I could risk being in that situation again, especially with my history of growing up with an alcoholic and abusive father.

I wish the best for this person but I'm glad I had this wakeup call because I couldn't stand to go through that again. I hope he gets his life straightened out and finds what he wants but it isn't me. I know I made mistakes but my God, I went through a lot with him and I tried my best to keep things going until I finally gave up and started searching for something else to hang on to or help me get out of the situation.

It really bothers me that I am always willing to give people second chances and make allowances for their mistakes. I'm always ready to give them the benefit of the doubt that they aren't a bad person, but rather a confused or whatever person but deep down they are still a good person. But when it's my mistakes I feel like I'm always judged much more harshly...or that's been my experience and once again it seems to be so. How can they think it was all me? They can't turn a blind eye on everything because they know some of the stuff that happened. They were there for some of it. I cared a lot about his parents and it hurts me that they are now judging me so harshly. I made sure my family didn't feel that way about him.

Oh well... I'll probably never figure this out and most likely too many things have happened for us to ever really even be good friends. There is still a lot of hurt feelings. I didn't realize how much I'm still hurt until all of this came up. I thought I had put it behind me.

I just don't like to be toyed with. I don't need someone telling me they want to see me, they'd like to go on a vacation with me, they wish I was there, etc, etc and then when the chance to do that is right there they turn around and tell me that it's not what they need. Then why bring it up and get it started? Why play with my feelings?

I don't know. I'm upset still and mad at myself for being stupid enough to be drawn back in. I think I just need distance.

Anyway... sorry... most of this is just me trying to put these feelings in print and get them out where I can think about them. It isn't directed to you Hope.. I know you mean well. I'm just confused.

Love ya,
Sandy

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