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Date Posted: 09:07:26 12/13/06 Wed
Author: RICHARD
Author Host/IP: 91.detroit-12rh16rt.mi.dial-access.att.net / 12.75.43.91
Subject: As with Sandy's loneliness... sorta...(heavy)

As I sit in this hospital gurney bed getting my three time a week hydration infusion, having to get up several times to empty my jejunostomy pouch, being reminded of my gruesome ugly huge deep scarred and many scars… stomach… chest… my son went to therapy with me yesterday…nothing else in this world matters to me now, except maybe my other son starting therapy… the growth in my son has been awesome without therapy, with only having me for a support system, now with him being ready for therapy… my son has a <big>big</big> heart… as he more and more gains access to his heart… he is going to be one awesome dude… kind hearted to self and those around him… the change in him will resound throughout the universe for all time. If my other son would do this… / in therapy my therapist ask my son about having a close friend or two to confide in… it came to me and not having so… I responded… I do not want friends… my life, which is 85% my medical condition and my mental condition… does not have even room to have my son in my life, even if he was not high maintenance… duty and Love bound… I use up precious limited life energy making room for my son and his needs. I never ever had a close friend… well the there were two… one a woman who I drove away… another, a work and drinking buddy that I moved away from… Now I resigned myself to live long enough for my sons to start their road of healing… there is no room for a friend… we do have to move over to have some one in our lives… I have no room to shimmy a tiny bit even. This new home I bought is about killing me… an investment to give to my heirs… mostly my sons. Lonely… I guess… but I am already done with life… so why fret? Nice material things… so cool… I like toys… but when my other son is on his road to healing… I will go home to be with my God… my Love… choose to where to start over again in some different sphere or something… to bring Love where Love seems not to be… God my body is so ugly! No sex… no friends… just waiting to go. This morning, I am tired, big time tired of the physical pain… usually it is just there… med it the best I can… stretch it, exercise it… it is just there… small price to pay while waiting for my sons to start healing… this morning I am so sick and tired of the pain. This shall pass too… ugh! Weather will permit me to go biking after infusion… that will help… I hope. Thanks for reading all of this.

RICHARD

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