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Date Posted: 09:23:02 08/14/06 Mon
Author: Liz
Author Host/IP: NoHost / 12.31.208.217
Subject: My Story

Well, I don’t have one. My life is and has been good by all external measures. I’m just suffering from life fatigue. I feel like I am barely coping with all the things “normal” people do every day, like getting up in the morning and going to work. I can barely keep my house clean. I try but I can’t keep ahead of the mess and all the things that go wrong with an older house.

I went to a party yesterday given by some long-time friends and I felt terrible because there is no way I am able to reciprocate, I can’t possibly give a party so what right do I have to go to one and enjoy it? I am “faking it” all the time now, pretending to be a “normal” person, trying to keep things going because if one thing falls through the whole house of cards will crumble.

The expectations are huge at work and I am so weary. If the money stops, it all stops. And if I crash, I am sure I will lose everything, including my relationship. My man-friend has already been through this with his ex-wife, it isn’t fair for him to have to deal with me crashing too.

I will keep going as long as possible. I know I need meds but I am so scared because meds have made me feel worse in the past and then there are the side effects. I can’t handle not sleeping right now, I am too tired and sleep is my one and only escape. Still, I am close to the point where I have no choice but to try something again, I can’t just keep dying a little more every day, when I know there is no good reason other than I am tired of the hamster wheel.

Yet I know life is good, I should be looking forward to seeing my kids go to college and graduate and the fact that it all seems to be one huge worry is just evidence of my illness.

Liz

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