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Date Posted: 19:31:11 09/10/06 Sun
Author: Mikki
Author Host/IP: 24-236-239-50.dhcp.bycy.mi.charter.com / 24.236.239.50
Subject: Liz
In reply to: Liz 's message, "Mikki" on 09:17:04 09/05/06 Tue

Thank you for your advice. You are absolutely right, I can't see the good in things right now. I am so afraid of change that I end up paralyzed and feeling like a trapped rat. I can handle just about anything that happens at work like a true professional......but as soon as I punch out, I become the blithering idiot that can't make a decision without the help of her past therapist. It makes me sick, it makes me mad at myself, and I know I have it in me to be normal.....but how do I get there? How many pills will it take, how many therapy sessions, how much gut wrenching pain will I have to go through to actually be normal and handle my own life? I wish I had that answer.

I am out of sorts right now I know, so making big decisions should be best left for later. I just make sure I make it to work, and not kill anyone with a mistake I might make. I try to eat, try to sleep, and try to trust Jim to steer me towards the light.I'll get there....

Sarah was diagnosed bipolar by my doctor last Wednesday. Since she turned 18, she could see my doctor. He was so good with her...she let me sit in on the session because she was nervous. But she is bipolar....no doubt about it.
Makes me feel guilty...why did she have to be affected by this? Couldn't she have gotten my eyes, or my chest, or my zest for science, why did she have to get my bipolar? Well, at least we are in it together, and hopefully she will use my experience when she isn't well. That is....if I can manage to stay alive. I live for her....have, for the last 10 years. Maybe now I have to live for me.....

Thanks and lots of love,

Mikki

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