| Subject: I hate myself |
Author:
lara
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Date Posted: 13:03:16 09/16/04 Thu
I hate who I am, I hate what ana has done to my head... I just am so fucken tired of trying to be normal and eat. I don't want to anymore. I feel gross. I just don't want to keeo fighting this. I just want to be happy, and not care anymore. I had a completely horrible day today: I don't like eating in the dinning hall, so I take food back to my room. here no one can watch me eat. I get enough stares, I don't want to have to stay and eat in front of the student body. The problem is all I can eat there is from the salad bar ( I go once a day) and if I am to get any calories I have to take A LOT of salad–lettuce, cucumbers, sometimes califlower, cut fruit, and beets. And again, I don't want to eat there–I feel like a pig–so, I put the food in bags and take them back to my room, which is not aloud... So today here I am with a tray piled high with lettuce, one bag full of cucumbers, and one of the heaf chefs comes over to basically tell me I am fucked. He was really nice about it, but that dosen't make it any better... already know that I look like a fool. I already know that everyone in that fucken dining hall is giving me dirty looks and gossiping behind my back. I already know that I am a screw up... Even worse is that I am a member of a group that goes to the dining hall and other local businesses after hours to pick up the food that would be thrown away; we then diler it to shelters. This is a new thing that started this year but now I fear that the cooks, chefs, and employies at the d hall are going to think I am taking that food for myself and not for those in real need. The food we collect after hours is stuff I would never touch–hot fatening food–I never in two years got hot food for myself. I always go straight to the salad bar...
I want to still do my work with the group, but now it is like eveyone will be watching me, if they weren't already. I hate myself, and I hate the fact that I have been making myself eat for almost 6 years now. I have kept myself out of the hospital, after the 2nd inpatient treatment and learning of my osteoporosis...
But fuck it. I'm sorry for swearing, but I just don't waht to do anymore.
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