VoyForums
[ Show ]
Support VoyForums
[ Shrink ]
VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

Saturday, May 16, 02:44:52pm [ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, [8], 9 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: Tuesday, April 26, 07:10:32pm
Author: Nikkicat
Subject: Re: A Texas Chili Contest
In reply to: Chris Smiley/Blooeysbabe 's message, "A Texas Chili Contest" on Saturday, March 05, 04:45:36pm

>geez chris, please put a caution sign on this one!!! I started reading this as hubby was falling asleep in bed. I was laughing so hard there was no sound comming out!! Tears running down my face, lol i think i even snorted LOL
thanks chris this is a great one

A Texas Chili Contest
>
>
>
>Warning - If you can read this whole story without
>laughing out loud,
>
>then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
>
>
>
>Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
>attention to the
>
>first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is
>even better.
>
>
>
>For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
>true this is. They
>
>actually have a chili cook-off about the time
>Halloween comes around. It
>
>takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
>Antonio city park.
>
>
>
>The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named
>Frank, who was
>
>visiting from Springfield, IL.
>
>
>
>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
>judge at a chili
>
>cooking contest. The original person called in sick at
>the last moment and I
>
>happened to be standing there at the judge's table
>asking for directions to
>
>the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
>assured by the other
>
>two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
>all that spicy and,
>
>besides, they told me I could have free beer during
>the tasting, so I
>
>accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:
>(Frank is Judge #3)
>
>
>
>Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
>
>
>
>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
>kick.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
>Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You
>could remove dried
>
>paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out
>the flames. I hope
>
>that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
>
>
>
>Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
>
>
>
>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
>jalapeno tang.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers
>to be taken
>
>seriously.
>
>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
>I'm not sure what I'm
>
>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
>people who wanted
>
>to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
>more beer when they
>
>saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
>Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
>
>
>
>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>Needs more beans.
>
>Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
>of peppers.
>
>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
>spill. My nose feels like
>
>I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
>by now. Get me more
>
>beer before I ignite Barmaid pounded me on the back,
>now my backbone is
>
>in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed
>from all of the beer...
>
>
>
>Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
>
>
>
>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
>Disappointing.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
>side dish for fish, or
>
>other mild foods; not much of a chili.
>
>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
>tongue, but was unable
>
>to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
>Sally, the barmaid, was
>
>standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.
>woman is starting to
>
>look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
>chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>
>
>Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
>
>
>
>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
>freshly ground,
>
>adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
>tomato. Must admit
>
>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
>my forehead, and I
>
>can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
>behind me needed
>
>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
>her that her chili
>
>had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
>bleeding by pouring
>
>beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
>burning my lips off.
>
>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
>to stop screaming.
>
>Screw those rednecks.
>
>
>
>Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
>
>
>
>Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
>Good balance of spices
>
>and peppers.
>
>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
>onions, and garlic.
>
>Superb.
>
>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
>filled with gaseous,
>
>sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and
>I'm worried it
>
>will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to
>stand behind me anymore.
>
>I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
>
>
>Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
>
>
>
>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
>on canned peppers.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally
>threw in a can of chili
>
>peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that
>I am worried about
>
>Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as
>he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
>the pin, and I
>
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
>the world sounds like
>
>it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
>chili, which slid
>
>unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
>to match my shirt.
>
>At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
>me. I've decided to
>
>stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
>getting any oxygen anyway.
>
>If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
>4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>
>Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
>
>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
>chili. Not too
>
>bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
>chili. Neither mild,
>
>nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
>Judge # 3 farted, passed
>
>out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top
>of himself. Not sure if
>
>he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd
>have reacted to really
>
>hot chili?

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

  • Re: A Texas Chili Contest -- A. Hardymon, Friday, April 29, 02:03:57pm
    [ Contact Forum Admin ]

    Forum timezone: GMT-8
    VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
    Before posting please read our privacy policy.
    VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
    Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.