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Saturday, May 16, 12:23:33pm [ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, [8], 9 ]

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Date Posted: Monday, May 16, 09:36:16am
Author: Sher
Subject: Thought these were too cute.... Hope this helps to start everyones week of right!

Red Skelton's tips for a Happy Marriage:
Just visualizing Red delivering this humor makes me smile.
Humor without profanity... ...WHAT A CONCEPT!

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then
comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go
on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the
kitchen.
I then went someplace I hadn't been in a long time: the ER

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"

AND..............

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees
his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty
looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless,
clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and
notices a note on the table

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love
you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there's a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table,
eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some
furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black
eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in oder and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm
married!"



Self-induced hangover - $100.00
broken furniture - $200.00
breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - priceless

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