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Date Posted: Friday, June 10, 10:56:53am
Author: elle
Subject: Re: What Do You Think?
In reply to: Dr. M 's message, "What Do You Think?" on Sunday, June 05, 07:55:58pm

Dear Dr. M,
This is an interesting inquiry.
As we have discussed before, some people can romanticize anything, especially those of us who hang around here. After all, we wouldn't be lovers of romance literature if we loved only the practical.
So in the name of suspending belief in reality, I would like to cast my vote for the several possible mates category.

You see, why should there be only one soulmate for each of us. I think there are many possibilities. The problem with relationships is that there is often much emotional baggage in our potential partners as well as our own mostly unacknowledged behavioral preferences that create a situation that is too complex to be broken down into a simple yes or no answer.

For example:
I was so attracted to my ex-husband on a physical and an emotional level. Of course I was sixteen when I met him and wasn't very discriminating at the time, but I loved his eyes, his hands-he had those ropey forearms that make my knees weak, his cute tight rear end-I swear I'd have thrown him back if it hadn't been for his buns, God, I love nice round buns, his compassion, his political and intellectual interests so matching my own and then there was his smell-mmmmm. Now he wasn't the first guy I fell head over heels for, I had a major crush in high school with a guy that I know liked me at first, but as I was extremely strange, his mother and sister told him to stay clear of me. I didn't take it well at first, it kind of hurt frankly. I don't know why I was so taken with the turd. He had this cute boyish grin that I found irresistable and his hair. He was boy legged(slightly), but I loved the way he moved and the twinkle in his eyes. I'm sure it was purely physical, but that kind of attraction does occur from time to time.

The problem is that in the case of my first crush, he was a momma's boy and a push over who couldn't think for himself and I firmly suspected over the years of high school that he couldn't match me intellectually. Thank God for his mom, huh! I am an intellectual creature and for me, the physical or even my own protective mothering instinct would never be enough to base a lasting, healthy relationship on.

The problem with my ex is that he's a momma's boy who can't think for himself, even though he's much more of a match for me intellectually. God, I loved that man! That's why I had his children and all learning disabilities aside, they are incredibly smart and precocious yound men. I chose correctly, however, he hadn't had time to find himself-to gain confidence in his own abilities as it were. There's a whole host of codependence issues from birth families on his side and on mine that I haven't even delved into here, but believe me, it's complicated.

Yes, I have had my own unhealthy cognitive issues to deal with and it has taken me many years to even come close to figuring out how to accept myself for who I am without apologizing to others or trying to change to please them. I am glad to say that there has been much improvement for me over the last seven years, but there's always more ground to cover as we change through the aging process as well.

So, that's what I've seen and know. I always think of "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics sp? when I think of people relating to each other. Also see Clarissa Pinkola Estes' book "How to Love a Woman" -not make love to, care about, etc for more information on "riding the life, death, life cycles of all relationships."

Don't give up hope. One of these days you'll see a man you can't take your eyes off of and you might even notice him giving you that direct sexy stare that men do-you know, so James Bond. Just remember that under every Bond is a Dilbert just lurking and waiting to expose himself to you-hahahah!

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