| Subject: Re: ...Lara? here. |
Author:
bittersweet
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Date Posted: 15:37:33 07/08/05 Fri
In reply to:
lara
's message, "Re: ...Lara? here." on 05:35:01 07/08/05 Fri
>still kicking around... I was hoping that this one
>would pick up. It used to be real wonderful. If you're
>having trouble, post, I would love to listen and give
>support to you.
>
>lara
>
>>hey,
>>
>>not sure if you're still kicking around but i was just
>>wondering if you made out on finding a forum? i've
>>been struggling a lot too lately with a bunch of ED
>>crap and was wondering what you found...
>>hope you are well <3
>>
>>jane <3 >
i'm glad you're still here! i suspect a lot of ppl must still be checking in, just not posting so much- but it has been a little more active...i know chocolate and deb are around. it's mostly my fault that i havent been posting about me anyway, because my ED has become completely bizarre. for the past 4 or 5 months my weight has been bouncing the walls between 90 and 105. literally, BOUNCING. different from week to week, day to day. and i've completely stopped sleeping, on the bad days. if i'm above a certain weight (usually 100) i will not sleep and on the nights when i do i will jerk awake and find myself on the exercise machine, half asleep, at 4 in the morning. the "dividing" has started. on the days i'm happy with my weight, i'll perhaps (gasp!) wear a t-shirt and actually go somewhere. the bad days or the binging/purging days it's sweatshirts and sweatpants in the 90 degree weather, sweating buckets. what's bothering me is mostly the panic, the terror after a binge. i HATE the binges. even the purging is not enough, and i wont sleep for days- the panic will take over and i'll start sobbing uncontrollably. i just want to be able to relax!!!!! lol. i wish none of us had to go through this, it's hell. a lot of times when i'm lying in bed i'll mouth "please kill me" out of nowhere and not even now who i'm talking to...or i'll be in the shower, look down, and somebody inside my head (me?) is saying i wish i was dead. then i think "that's terrible" and quickly try to think about something else, but that usually doesnt work. if i'm at a mall or walking outside where there's thin people gathering with little clothes on i'll mouth "kill me. kill me. kill me." with each step, trying to stare at my feet. the screwed up thing, i know it's terrible but i cant stop thinking about it..it's automatic. i'll usually torture myself with the thought of death then feel horribly guilty for the people who really are sick, and really cant help it....today is a 105 day and the terror is here, staying away from all jeans and cringing at the fact that i look like a real person. i swear if it wasnt for the forum, nobody would understand this madness! okay, sorry that was a lot of typing =X i've blabbered too much. hope you are well, and everyone is well and still kicking around. i'll always be around, reading & posting
<3 <3 jane
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