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Date Posted: 08:57:07 09/30/11 Fri
Author: Kathy
Author Host/IP: NoHost / 50.41.206.244
Subject: Matt turned 13 yesterday.
Big milestone. No more "kids" in my house, only teenagers.
Things seem to have been going so much better for Matt this school year. He has been doing his homework. Turning in projects. His grades have been good. He needs to practice his trumpet a little, but that's not too bad.
Then, today, I spoke with the band director who said some boys had complained that Matt was annoying them, so he moved Matt to a different section (with the flutes). But, he admitted he didn't talk to Matt and that perhaps the other kids had started the incident. He was going to talk to Matt today.
A little later I got a phone call from the Middle School principal. She had Matt in her office. Yesterday during gym class, one of the boys took Matt's belt, wrapped it arouond Matt's neck and tightened it. She said Matt said he couldn't breathe for a little bit. He didn't tell anyone about it yesterday and she said she wasn't sure how it "got out" today. She said that Matt had moved some kids clothes in the locker room and perhaps this was retaliation for that.
I told her that one of Matt's friends had mentioned that Matt gets picked on just about every day at school. She asked Matt about that and he said "Yeah" and said it was the same kid, plus one other one. I had asked Matt about this kid before and he said that the kid was a jerk and picked on everyone. He did say that the kid had shoved him and calls him names. I told him that he had to tell me if he was being picked on. He promised he would, but evidently he didn't because I knew nothing about the choking incident.
When the principal asked Matt if he was being bullied, he started crying. She said she was going to talk to the other boys and she assured Matt that he wasn't in trouble. She said she was going to advise him not to mess with other kids' stuff, though.
I don't know what is going to come of this. I don't understand it. Matt's friend told me he gets picked on because he is different.
Matt has been so good around home, lately. He responds when we ask him to do something. He offers to help out. He has been more cheerful and funny. He has been giving us tons of hugs lately. Even Bethi is getting along with her little brother.
I just needed to come here and vent for a bit. A lot of you have "known" Matt since he was a baby. It breaks my heart and makes me angry to think of anyone hurting him. Any advice from any of you who have been through this would be greatly appreciated.
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Re: Matt turned 13 yesterday. -- madonna, 06:17:59 10/01/11 Sat [1] (c-71-238-234-252.hsd1.mi.comcast.net/71.238.234.252)
Stay on it Kathy. Our schools "say" they have 0 tolerance
on bullying, but they still seem to miss it going on ALL the time!
As a bus driver there is only so much I can do.
Thank God for the cameras on our buses!
Now I don't know about other drivers, but I am dead set against bullying and drug use.
So I make it clear on the very first day that there is 0 tolerance for bullying on my bus!
I then tell the kids if they are being bullied to let me know some way or another. Be it a note passed to be privately or a word said.
I have found that a lot of kids won't say anything out of
fear of retaliation. Teachers and administrators cannot see
everything and kids can be so damn sneaky and devious.
So the other thing I tell my kids on the bus: if you are
being bullied and talk to me, and the bullies start up on
you in school, to let me know, because I have a recording
of my talk with the bullies and that will be turned in as
evidence!
On the drug thing...I tell the kids the story about a
beautiful young girl who became addicted and eventually
died from drugs....I just want to do my part to try and be
a good influence you know....
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Re: Matt turned 13 yesterday. -- 
madonna, 06:26:04 10/01/11 Sat [1] (c-71-238-234-252.hsd1.mi.comcast.net/71.238.234.252)
Is Matt still in Jr High/Middle school?
That age of kids are the worst for bullying IMHO!
cleardayz@myway.com
Last edited by author: Sat October 01, 2011 06:28:39
Edited 1 time.
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Yeah. He is in 7th Grade -- Kathy, 08:15:12 10/01/11 Sat [1] (NoHost/50.41.206.244)
I tried talking to him about it yesterday and he won't talk about it. He would respond in one or two word sentences. I have never had trouble talking to Matt, but I couldn't get him to say anything about what happened, why it happened, how it happened. When his dad tried to talk to him about it a little later he wouldn't say anything except to say that he had already talked to me about it.
He is on a Scout camping trip this weekend. I will have to talk to him some more when he gets home. I don't know if he is afraid to say anything for fear of retaliation or if he is afraid he is going to get in trouble for something. I just don't know.
Someone took his agenda earlier this year and hid it. Our school is a tad anal about the agendas referring to them as the kids' "Lifeline". If they don't have the agendas, there are consequences including detentions and/or Saturday school. The kids all know this. Thank goodness the band director gave him an extra agenda so he wouldn't be without one. Matt was sure the agenda was in the band room. He looked for it. Bethi looked for it. Chris went to the band room to look for it. I looked for it. None of us could find it. About a week and a half later I decided to look on the top of the lockers in the band locker room. There was another book up there, but not his agenda. On the way down the ladder, I noticed a book in one of the top lockers toward the back. It was his agenda.
Our school will tell you they have 0 tolerance and they even go to board meetings and report that there have been no incidents of bullying. So far this year, I am aware of several incidents, three involving my son.
I will stay on it. I am asking for help from my friends that are teachers there to keep an eye out and let me know if they become aware of anything.
I hate bullies.
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I hate bullies to! -- madonna, 11:04:15 10/01/11 Sat [1] (c-71-238-234-252.hsd1.mi.comcast.net/71.238.234.252)
I was bullied in school and that is why I look out
for the victims! If the school won't do anything about it,
I try my best to do something as little as it may be.
And that is why I think my kids like me....I stick up for them!
cleardayz@myway.com
Last edited by author: Sat October 01, 2011 11:04:40
Edited 1 time.
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Thanks for standing up for the kids. -- Kathy, 17:13:34 10/01/11 Sat [1] (NoHost/50.41.206.244)
I am planning to go to the school on Monday and talk to the principal.
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Hope you don't mind -- chezmere, 10:37:58 10/02/11 Sun [1] (adsl-69-231-36-122.dsl.irvnca.pacbell.net/69.231.36.122)
but I was trying to relay what happened to Aly in middle school - let her tell you herself and what she did to get through it ....
Hi Kathy, it's Aly.
I was told I was too white to be mexican and too mexican to be white. I was called a lesbian all throughout 8th grade and I didn't know what to do. I got involved in a program called the California Cadet Corps and it gave me the courage to tell my counselor who my bullies were and to give them names. Yes, my mom had mentioned getting a lawyer, but I was the one who gave the names a face. I had enough courage and that program gave me the confidence to stand up to people like that.
My mom had told me to imagine people running down the hallway naked with polka dot underwear on their head. Funny yes, but it helped. I think my mom going into the school and saying this is what happened and I want it to change helped me out. It was facing a problem head on without looking back. I never really learned how to do that and in that meeting, names to faces, I learned how.
I think finally talking about it and getting it off my chest instead of bottling it up inside helped me too. I have since grown up and pushed it aside, but it did bug me. The Cadet Corps has become my second family. And I think what Matt needs, from a person whose been through bullying before, that's what he needs. Not to say that you're not doing an excellent job as a mom, but sometimes a kid just needs another place to go to.
Well, that's Aly's advice. - I think the Cadets helped Aly the most, as the Scouts will do for Matt. I also had the IEP thing going for Aly and I went to every meeting and then some. and BTW the boys that called Aly a lesbian day in and day out, were attracted to her. One day, I picked Aly up at her busstop, the two boys were whispering and talking loudly about her (I saw the whole thing go down), she was almost at our car and bammo, the boys weren't looking at where they were going and slammed into a tree. We laughed our guts out, the boys never bugged her again. Thank you tree!
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Thanks, Aly and chez -- Kathy, 04:28:46 10/03/11 Mon [1] (NoHost/50.41.206.244)
I appreciate your comments and suggestions. I finally got Matt to talk to me. He said he just doesn't like talking about it. He did say that the picking and bullying is a frequent thing and often happens in the locker room at school. He said that he started moving the bullies stuff around as a way to get back at them without actually physically touching them. I told him I understood why he did it, but to not do it anymore. I also gave him permission to fight back if anyone got physically aggressive with him. I don't think he will, but at least he now knows that he won't get in trouble from mom or dad for standing up for himself.
I told him that he has to let the school know what is going on; that by keeping silent it allows the bullies to keep doing what they are doing. I told him it isn't "snitching" or being a tattletale. It is to protect him and others who are being intimidated.
I am looking into signing him up for a martial arts class for two reasons. One, I think it will boost his confidence and his self control. Two, I think it will provide him with the knowledge of how to re-act in a threatening situation. A psychologist he saw a couple of years ago had recommended this as an option for Matt.
I am going to go to the school today to talk to the principal in person. Changes need to be made and I plan to stay on it until they are.
Thanks again for the advice. Speaking up is going to be a key thing, I believe.
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How did it go, Kathy? -- Jenn, 00:29:30 10/04/11 Tue [1] (cpe-24-27-107-117.tx.res.rr.com/24.27.107.117)
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Well, they have put a plan in place -- Kathy, 08:20:02 10/04/11 Tue [1] (NoHost/50.41.206.244)
When the principal called Cameron's mother on Friday, she said that they were probably going to be moving back to the school district that they came from. Cameron's mom said she wasn't sure that Cameron would be back this week. They were given the choice, if Cameron returned, to serve two Saturday schools or to go to PASS for three days. PASS is a very restrictive school for kids who have had behavior problems. Cameron did come back on Monday, but I don't know what he decided to do. My thinking was he shouldn't have been given a choice. He should have been taken out of the school.
Cameron is in all of the same classes as Matt, except band. The principal offered to change Cameron's class schedule so that he would not be in Matt's classes. I told her I would like that, but in the meantime I would like the teachers to be notified that Cameron is not to be anywhere near Matt in the classroom. He is not to sit near Matt. He is not to work with Matt on any projects, etc.
Matt said that most of the problems happen in the locker room. The principal said the gym teacher had mentioned that he planned to have one of the boys change in the bathroom instead of the locker room. The principal noted that she hates to have the "victim" be the one to have to leave so she suspected Cameron would be going to a different place to change for gym.
I told the principal that Matt told me that he had moved the boys clothes around in the locker room because "that is the only way I could think of to get back at them". He said he is picked on almost every day in the locker room. I told the principal that Matt felt like he had no way to defend himself. I also told her that I had given Matt permission to protect himself in any way possible if he is ever aggressively attacked like that again. I told her that despite what the handbook says about anyone engaging in a fight being in trouble, my child would NOT be in trouble for defending himself.
Because Matt is not a fighter I don't think he would actually do anything, but I wanted him to know that if he had to, mom and dad would be there to back him up.
Matt internalizes everything. Instead of striking out he gets very angry and shuts down. He will not cooperate or talk about it. The principal said she will notify the teachers to watch Matt for signs of him shutting down and to send him to her or the counselor so he can talk about what may have caused it.
I told Matt that he needs to tell a teacher or an adult when anything is going on. I told him he has to do it for himself and his friends.
I will be checking on our school's bullying policy. There is a superintendent's meeting this week that I plan to bring this up at. I just feel like kids in our school are not given any options to stand up for themselves against the bullies, without the risk of getting in trouble too. That needs to change.
I'll be checking with Matt when he gets home today to see how many of the planned actions were actually put into place.
Thanks for checking.
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Sounds better... -- suek, 08:30:48 10/04/11 Tue [1] (NoHost/12.174.118.19)
than what they did for M@ back then. When he was in 2nd grade, 3 bullies picked him up and threw him in the outfield during recess baseball. He came home very quiet. He went to PSR and then when I went to talk with him afterwards in his room, he cringed from me! It took some major time and consoling and cajoling, but he eventually told me what happened. The brilliant counselor decided to have them all in a room together (with her) and be a 'circle of friends' and talk about it, and made the bullies promise not to do it again. Thankfully they were young enough (note he was a year younger than his grade peers) and listened. But I was mortified that that was how it was handled!
Then in middle school one kid he'd known since 2nd grade kept picking on him so M@ hauled off and punched him, breaking his pinky! No teacher involvement in that one, but thankfully that stopped too. Sigh.
Good luck - I sure hope you get resolution and he feels comfortable again.
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The bully was not at school yesterday. -- Kathy, 09:54:05 10/05/11 Wed [1] (NoHost/50.41.206.244)
I am guessing that he decided to do PASS for three days. I'm just glad Matt won't have to worry about him for a few days.
Also, Matt is now going to the High School locker room to change. He said he doesn't mind. It is a lot quieter there.
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