| Subject: Chapter 2 inside. feedback please. |
Author:
Lidinia
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Date Posted: 18:57:23 12/19/03 Fri
In reply to:
Lidinia Longbow
's message, "Here is part of a story i am trying to write. Please geve me feedback on it; especialy where you think it needs fixed up(pleeeaaase! i will not be offended at all if you tell me it is not good.)" on 19:01:23 12/17/03 Wed
"Come on Trixie, sing us a song!" urged Brother Drew. It was the evening of the summer nameday feast and after having finished their food, the Redwallers were ready for some entertainment.
The shy young squirrel stared at the ground and did not answer. "Pwease, Twickie, sing usn's a nice likkle song." chimed in Attie. Trixie took hold of the little vole and gave him a kiss on the tip of his nose." Oh, you little rouge, why don't you sing us a song first?"
The little vole hopped out of her arms and ran over to where his two little friends, Tittles and Lil' Spikes, were sitting. They held a quick whispered conference before Attie turned to Trixie and replied "Usn's sing da 'Dibbun Ditty'!"
Trixie laughed as they trooped up to the front of the Redwallers and began to sing.
Oh, I'm a likkle rouge
but 'appy as can be
I play all day
den more at night
I'm 'appy as can be!
Oh, I'm a likkle nuisance
But 'appy as can be
I climbes on your back
an tickles you's ears
I'm 'appy as can be!
Oh, I'm a likkle bover
but 'appy as can be
I plays in the mud
But won't take no baffs
I'm 'appy as can be!
When the dibbuns had finished singing there was an amused applause from the Redwallers as they solemnly walked, single file, back to their seats.
"Ok now Miss Trix, your turn!" said Brother Drew.
Trixie blushed and replied "Not now, I'm busy!" she pointed to Attie who had returned to her lap.
But Drew persisted "Come on, Trixie. Pleeeaase sing us a song."
A clear voice called out from among the Redwallers "Trixie! Tou should be ashamed of yourself! Not obliging such a simple request as that!" it scolded mockingly.
Trixie's respond was immediate. "Lidinia Mae Skip! And I thought you were my friend! I figured i could at least count on th skipper of otters daughter to stand up for me in times of trial! Fine, before I go deaf from all your whining I'll sing you a little ditty!" she said teasingly, then added "But only if Lidi will do it as a duet with me!"
"Well, I suppose if that's what makes you happy." she said as she walked up beside Trixie.
Trixie had a beautiful voice and her friend had one to match. Together they made a beautiful duet and it would seem as if they outdid even the sweetest lark at times.
Run through the meadows
Jump into the pond
Summer's a season
Of which I'm fond
Sprinkling and splashing
Underwater above
Summer's a season
Full of wonder and love
Back to the Abbey
Ice cream galore
Summer's a season
Of which I want more
Late summer nights
Catching fire-fly bugs
Summer's a season
Of warmth kindness hugs
Now is the end
Of my sweet summer song
I'll sing it again
If you'll sing along
After the second round, there was an applause from the abbeybeasts.
"Thank you ladies" said Abbot Dedrick. "I have always liked that song, 'Summer medley' and it was especially beautiful when sung by your lovely voices."
The night wore on with lot's of singing, dancing, skit's and, of course, lot's of food. just before dark the sky began to fill up with large, gray clouds. Suddenly a lightning bolt lit up the night sky and not seconds after there was a terrible roar of thunder. Rain began to pour down in sheet's as the dibbuns screamed and ran for the abbey.
"Quick, Mother Minerva, please bring the dibbuns and older beasts into the abbey before they are soaked and catch cold." he shouted to a large, motherly badger. He needn't have called, though because she was already scooping up the dibbuns in her large white paws.
"Attie, get over here this instant! You're giong to catch your of cold and then I'm going to have to send you to Sister Dionne in the infirmary!" shouted Mother Minerva "And you, Tittles, stop splashing in the puddles! All of you, come here!"
Meanwhile, Father Dedrick had gathered a crew of able-bodied assistants to help bring in the food, tables, and chairs.
"Drew, can you come over here and help me carry this table?" an older mouse shouted over the storm.
Drew rushed over to him and took hold of the long wooden table. "Brother Hobart! You know you shouldn't be lifting things like this!" he said as he helped move the table into the abbey "Why, you shouldn't even be out in this weather! If something should happen to you, who would we have to clean the gatehouse and keep recordings of the happenings here at Redwall?" Brother Drew smiled at the old gatekeeper.
"Oh, stop complanin' young'un! just because i'm a couple seasons older doesn't mean I'm not just as fit as you! I have just as muck right as you to be of some 'elp to my 'ome as you!" said Brother Hobart.
"Well, I think you've done your share for tonight." replied Brother Drew "Why don't you just sit here and relax while I go and help finish cleaning up out there." He slowly eased Brother Drew into a woodin chair near a window that looked out over the abbey grounds.
As Brother Drew walked quickly away, Brother Hobart looked out the window. A lightning bolt flashed, illuminating the abbey and Mossflower Woods surrounding it. Abbeybeasts scurried hastily across the grounds, hurrying to get everything inside before it was ruined.The trees were bent almost in half by the fearsome winds that blew every which way. The rain poured down in sheets, pounding on the abbey roof and filling the small abbey pont to the very brim, then overflowing it. The little streams from the overflow ran everywhere. The small crops that had begun to grow were laid flat against the soil from the wind and rain. The sky was dark and the air was hot and heavy. Outside the abbey grounds not a soul was in site...but, no! Wait! On the path outside the abbey Brother Hobart's old, but still keen eyes spotted a tiny, bent figure swiftly aproaching the abbey!
Brother Hobart looked about the empty room for someone to call. No beast was in site. he could hear Mother Minerva and Sister Dionne up in the dormitories, tucking the dibbuns into bed. Th rest of the abbeybeasts were either down in Cavern Hole, sipping cool Strawberry Cordial, or still outside. he quickly hopped out of his chair and ran to the closest place where he could find abbeybeasts; the large oak door leading out of the abbey. He pulled it open and ran out into the pouring rain.
"Drew, Dedrick! There is somebeast out on the path!" he called as he ran, but he was still too far for them to hear him. As he got closer he called again "Drew,lad, do you 'ere me? There's somebeast out on the path, in the storm!"
Drew's sharp ears caught a sound and he looked up to see the old gatekeeper running franticly toward him.
(that's all for chapter 2, mate! hope you liked it! please let me know of any changes you think I should make. Is there a part that doesn't make sense? Or lines that don't match up? Maybe just something that just isn't needed, or something I should add? please tell me.)
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