Subject:  Squirreltalk 1: Warrior Squirrels |
Author:
Amber Merida
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Date Posted: 19:10:06 09/08/03 Mon
In reply to:
Amber Merida
's message, "" on 14:17:09 09/07/03 Sun
Amber: Hello, and welcome to Squirreltalk! We have some special guests with us tonight- Felldoh, Ranguvar Foeseeker, Jukka the Sling, Triss, and of course Lady Amber!
Felldoh: Um, hi. *turns to Amber* Do I go first?
Amber: Sure! Tell us about your life.
Felldoh: Um, okay. I dont remember my mother. When I was very small, my father Barkjon and I were captured by an evil stoat called Badrang. He made us work for him as slaves.
Amber: *makes little sympathetic noises* How awful!
Felldoh: Yeah, well, I'm tough. I could handle it. So then one day my pal Martin--
Amber: The warriormouse?
Felldoh: Yeah, him. Quit interruptin', will ya? Anyway, so Badrang got really mad at him and tied him up on the wall for seabirds to eat...
Amber: *is about to say something but is silenced by Jukka*
Jukka: Shut thy mouth, cat!
Felldoh: Hey, am I dead?
Amber: Whatever gave you that idea?
Felldoh: The last thing I remember is whacking Badrang a good 'un with twenty arrows sticking out of me. How could I not be dead?
Ranguvar: Beast after me own heart! Are you free this saturday?
Felldoh: I'm free every saturday! Wanna go to Grumm Trencher's with me? At, like, six?
Ranguvar: You betcha!
Amber: Oh, look, someone's on line one! I hadn't planned on taking a caller just yet, but... Celandine, you are on the air!
Celandine: *discordant shrieks* Why you- you- Stay away from that squirrel, d'ye hear me! He's mine!
Ranguvar: We'll just see about that, liddle miss prissy-bustle! Whyncha come over here and we'll fight it out, huh?
Amber: Meow.
Ranguvar: What didja say, cat?
Felldoh: *smirks* It's nice to know I'm appreciated!
Amber: Oh, look, time for a commercial! We'll be right back with Squirreltalk and more of your favorite squirrel warriors!
*****
(soft music playing, a soothing voice comes on)
Does a loved one constantly turn away from you? Are your children growing up to be Rapscallions and Corsairs? Do you need a vacation? Well, we cant help with your family problems, but...
(VERY loud Jamaican-style music)
SeaKing Cruises can take you where you want to be! From Salamandastron to Sampetra, we have the perfect vacation for you!
(female chorus singing: SeaKing Cruises! From here to there! Ships leaving every day!)
*****
Amber: Ahhhh. *relaxes, then jerks up, spilling her drink everywhere* Oh my seasons! We're back on already!
*a bankvole stagehand waddles in and mops up the spilled mint tea*
Amber: Thanks. Jukka and Lady Amber, could you introduce yourselves, and then we'll take a few callers.
Jukka: I am Jukka the Sling, leader of my tribe. We live in a pine grove not far from Salamandastron mountain.
Amber(2): I'm Lady Amber, one of the leaders of the Corim, and what do you mean stealing my name, stripecat? *pulls out her bow and arrows, ready to shoot Amber the cat*
Amber(1): Sorry, my parents' fault. No weapons, please.
Triss: What about this sword? Its not even really mine, it belongs to the Abbey.
Amber(1): Well, alright, no weapons except the sword of Martin the Warrior.
Jukka: And my sling, thou must not forget MY weapon!
Amber(2): And MY bow'n'arrows!!!
Amber(1): Caller! Grood from Pine Grove, welcome to Squirreltalk!
Grood: *unutterable language*
Jukka: Curb thy tongue, young one!
Amber(2): Yeah, like she says, shuttup!
Grood: *more muttered curses*
Amber(1): I'm sorry, but foul language is not allowed, otherwise we'll be banned. Next caller! Fleetscut, you are on the air!
Fleetscut: Scavengin' bushtail! Coward! I 'opes you rot in that stinkin' pine grove o' yours, wot!
Jukka: Insolent longears! Silence, thou who art fleet of scut!
Fleetscut: Sling the Jukka!*there is a click as he hangs up*
Jukka: AAAARGH! THAT RABBITTY-FACED GUT-STUFFING FLEABAG! Grood, do as I say, not as I do.
Amber(1): Well, whaddaya know! Commercial time again! *turns to a mole stagehand* And make it a long one!
*****
(friendly male rat voice)
Hey, everybody! Are you vermin? I used to be a searat, a real bad un. But that's all changed for me! Thanks to some dibbun friends of mine, I'm now a happy boat builder! Don't be mean, be clean! call 1-234-BLAGGUT for help! Reform today and get a life-size poster of Romsca!
*****
Are magpies raiding your garden, fields, or orchard? Just inquire at your local Infirmary about Sister May's Spectacular Strawberries of Sleep! 100% guaranteed!
*****
And now, presenting the most spectacular singing duo there never was! That's right, you can now buy CDs of Laterose of Noonvale and Songbreeze Swifteye! Finally brought together for their hit debut album "Home to Noonvale", available wherever music is sold, trade, or stolen.
*****
Amber(1): We're back with Ranguvar Foeseeker and Trisscar Swordmaid! Triss, you go first.
Triss: Well, I was a slave at Riftgard. One day me and my friends escaped. Eventually we made our way to Redwall, but there was this giant three-headed snake and... *sniffles* Poor Shogg. He was so brave, and he was my best friend in the whole world. But, anyway, I finally defeated my enemies. That lousy no-good Princess Kurda had to fall on her sword. RRRR, it makes me mad just thinking about it!
(sounds of smashing chairs)
Amber(1): Ah. Well. Yes, I see. Um, can you stop doing that to the props? I borrowed this stuff, its not mine, and if it gets wrecked...
*phone rings*
Amber(1): Oh, great! Another caller! Welcome to Squirreltalk!
Hawkeye: Am-ber! I did NOT say you could use my props! If the place gets trashed--
Amber(1): *hangs up* Oh, darn. I only meant to put him on hold. Next caller!
Gruff male voice: Triss, this is your father speaking! Put down that sword, it is not the way of warriors to destroy goodbeasts' furniture!
Triss: Daddy! But youre dead! Arent you? What are you doing on the phone?
Triss's Dad: It's a long story. But do you know how much a call from Dark Forest costs? I gotta go now, see you in, say, twenty years? *hangs up*
Triss: Nooo! Daddy! Dont go! *sobbing*
Amber(2): There, there, missy. *hands her a tissue* No need to cry, those who have passed on are always with us in our memories.
Felldoh: *makes barfing noise* All this mushiness! I think I'm gonna be sick.
Jukka: Still thy tongue, O young and foolish one. The swordmaid is upset, and thou art not helping matters.
Ranguvar: Hey, no shoutin' at my boyfriend! Can I talk about myself now?
Amber(1): (shouting) Quit down, everyone! It's Ranguvar's turn to speak.
Felldoh: Yeah! Go Ranguvar!
Amber(1): Ahem.
Ranguvar: Well, I lead a pretty normal life until I was captured by that *unutterables* Vilu Daskar. I had to row in the Death Pit, and there were times it felt like I was movin' the entire scummy ship! Then that mouse Luke came along, and together we defeated the toad-swillin' scumbag coward. 'Course, we both died but- Hey, if I'm dead then why am I here?
Amber(1): AAAARGH!!!!!!! I'm getting really, really tired of this. Felldoh, your turn to explain.
Felldoh: You're here so I have someone to go out with.
Ranguvar: Ah. Yes. It's all so clear now.
Amber(1): And that about wraps it up! We've got time for one more caller... Hello, Luke the Warrior? Welcome to squirreltalk, all of your favorite squirrel heroes!
Luke: Ranguvar! We did it! We destroyed that murdering coward and his ship! By the way, is it true that you're going out with my son's best friend? Because--
Martin: DAD!
Luke: Right. Uh, just callin' to express my condolences.
Martin: DAAAD!
Luke: I mean congratulations on your wonderful--
*there is a scuffle. after a while, Martin comes back on*
Martin: Sorry about my dad, he takes everything waaay too seriously. Of course, so do I, but its inherited from him!
Triss: I just wanted to say thank you for the sword!
Martin: No problem. Oughta thank Boar the Fighter for that, though. Bye! *hangs up*
Amber(1): Well, this concludes our first episode of Squirreltalk! All of your favorite squirrels, all the time! See ya next time!
*as the credits start to roll, a crazed squirrel runs in and starts yelling insanely at Amber*
Hawkeye: You! You wrecked my studio! Get out! Next time bring your own props! AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amber(1): We're still on! Somebody turn off the the mikes before we're kicked off the air for being too gory! HELP!
Like it? My apologies to Hawkeye and all the people who haven't read Triss yet!
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