Subject:  Squirreltalk 2: Squirrel Families |
Author:
Amber Merida
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Date Posted: 21:44:09 09/09/03 Tue
In reply to:
Amber Merida
's message, "" on 14:17:09 09/07/03 Sun
Amber: Hello, and welcome to the second episode of Squirreltalk! Today we’ll be talking with three famous squirrel families—the Swifteyes, the Regubas, and the Squirrels! But first, a message from our sponsor…
*****
Dibbun: Mommy, will you play with me?
Mother: Not now! Mommy is busy. Very, very busy!
Dibbun: Mommy will you play with me? Mommy will you play with me? Mommy will you play with me? Mommy will you play with me? Mommy will you play with me? Mommy will you
Mother: AAAAAA!!!!! Help, someone! I just can’t take it any more!!!!!!
Female Badger: Not to worry, help is on the way! I can babysit while you cook, sew, or fight vermin- And I’m Salamandastron-trained, so don’t worry about those pesky babe-stealers! Call 1-997-MA-MELLUS today!
Dibbun: Oh no! A skelping! Heeeellp!!!
Mother: Ahhh. Finally I can get to work. Thanks, Badgermum!
Female Badger: Badgermums of Redwall. Skel- I mean taking care of dibbuns since Bella of Brockhall!
*****
Amber: And now, on with the show! Can you all introduce yourselves, please?
Dann: I’m Dannflor Reguba, but everyone calls me Dann. Except my mom wanted me named Dannflower.
Rusvul: I’m his dad. Unfortunately. By the way, “Reguba” is the title of the mightiest squirrel warrior, so that would actually be ME.
Dann: *rolls his eyes and sighs dramatically*
Song: I’m Songbreeze Swifteye! *waves* Hi, Grandpa! Hi, Sollertree! Isn’t this the coolest?
Janglur: I’m Janglur Swifteye, Song’s dad. This is my wife Rimrose.
Rimrose: Hello, everyone! I’m the pretty one, in case you can’t tell.
Janglur: Yep, she’s the pretty one. But I’m the handsome one with the gorgeous eyelashes.
Ellayo: Shuddup, ya big stupid lump of a son! Yer wife’s twice as pretty as you’ll ever be!
Amber: Ellayo, please don’t talk to your son like that. It sets a bad example. Janglur, you need to be tolerant of your mother- she’s getting on in seasons.
Janglur: Tell me something I don’t know.
Ellayo: *growls*
*Silent Sam climbs onto Song’s lap and sits sucking his paw*
Song: Aaawwwww, isn’t he adorable! What a cute baby squirrel!
Sam: *suck suck, nod nod*
Jess: I’m his mother.
Amber: Where’s Mr Squirrel?
Jess: At St Ninian’s, helping get ready for the potluck. He should be here soon.
Amber: Great! Okay, I think we can get started now. First caller!
Tarquin: HELP!!!!!! Rosie’s gone questin’ and left me with a dozen leverets! What do I do?!? They’re driving me up the flippin’ Abbey walls!
Jess: I can’t help you with that. Sam has always been a quiet, well-behaved youngster.
Sam: *suck, suck, nod*
Ellayo: Whack em all a few times wid a big heavy stick an’ send em all ta bed without supper. And bath em good!
Sam: *hides behind Song, pawing a small dagger*
Song: Er…Grandma, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea…
Ellayo: Why not? Certainly worked on yore dad!
Amber: Umm, okay. Personally, I would recommend sending them to help out in the cellars for the day. That way you could have them out from underpaw, and the leverets would still be having fun.
Tarquin: Thanks! Oh no get your grubby paws away from that phone line! Fiends! Pollywoggles! Just wait until I tell your mother! Oh, Rosie, please come home soon! *line goes dead*
Amber: Poor creature. Imagine having twelve kids!
Dann: Poor cellarkeeper, I’d say!
Amber: We have another caller! Ferhago, you are on the air with Squirreltalk.
Ferhago: Rusvul, this is a question for you. I figure if anybeast can solve my problem it’ll be you, seein’ as yer another single father.
Rusvul: So what seems to be the problem?
Ferhago: My son will not respect me! In fact, he goes around calling me a-- What was it, son?
Klitch: A doddering dotty whingeing wimpy senile old weasel. To the hundredth power.
Ferhago: Right. And yesterday he broke my best knife, and the day before that he got into my supply of poisons and now I don’t have a second-in-command, and last week he—
Rusvul: I get the picture. Well, MY son fooled around with riddles and cracked nuts instead of guarding the Abbey, and then he didn’t stop the Marlfoxes from stealing the tapestry of Martin the Warrior, and THEN he ran off without so much as a spare pair of underwear
Klitch: Boxers or briefs?
Rusvul: Does it matter?
Klitch: No, not really.
Rusvul: Then please be quiet while I rant on and on insanely about Dann’s faults.
Ferhago: Just get to the point, okay?
Rusvul: Alright, alright. Sons are extremely irritating, but the best thing you can do right now is sit tight and hope he’ll grow out of it. Dann did. I think.
Ferhago: Yeah, well, I’ve been waiting for Klitch to grow out of it for about a decade.
Klitch: Boogery-snout old fogey!
Ferhago: You see my problem.
Amber: Caller on Line 2!
Swartt: A well-placed spear’ll work wonders, y’know. That’s what I did.
Amber: No! This is a family show! I don’t want to give dibbuns the idea that their parents want to kill them.
Swartt: Whatever. I thought it was a good idea.
Amber: Well, it’s MY show. We’ll be right back after these messages!
*****
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Byral: I wish I’d heard of Lantur before it was too late.
Don’t delay! Sign up now and receive a complementary Marlfox plush toy!
*****
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*****
Can you tell who from whom? Is it further or farther? Which or what?
If the answer to any of these questions is “no”, then you should call 1-234-MIRDOP immediately for a free grammar self-help booklet today!
*****
Amber: Welcome back to Squirreltalk: Family Edition! With us are Jess and Sam Squirrel, Rusvul and DannFlower Reguba, and the Swifteyes!
Dann: That’s Dannflor.
Song: *giggles*
Amber: Sorry, Dannflora. I had a discussion of sibling rivalry planned, but we’ll skip that since everyone here is an only child. I guess we’ll just take some more callers. Yippee.
Ellayo: This is boring!
Rusval: You got that right. Why don’t we all just go home right now?
Amber: Because, um… Because I need to have guests so I can have callers so I can have listeners so I can— um, yeah. Something like that.
Song: What’s that red blinking light mean?
Amber: *looks around blankly* Huh? Where?
Song: That one! *points*
Amber: Oh no! That’s the indicator light for the studio’s self-destruct system! Actually, it’s a bread machine left over from the cooking show that uses this place in the afternoons, “Sunflash’s Salamandastron Chefs”.
Ellayo: I want one! *grabs it*
Amber: Hey! That’s not yours!
Ellayo: Mine this is! Mine! *wiggles her ears*
Song: Grandma? Are you feeling all right?
Janglur: Who are you, and what have you done with my mother?
Ellayo: Take you to her, I will. Heh heh heh.
Amber: *sighs* It’s times like these I’m glad I never knew my parents. Or grandparents. Or great-grandparents.
Rimrose: I think you have a caller.
Amber: Oh, yeah, a caller! Hello and welcome to Squirreltalk!
Queen Serena: Oh, hello! I was wondering if little Sam could come over and play with Truffen? I promise we won’t let Glokkpod anywhere near him.
Jess: No way!!! I’m not letting Sam in the same time zone as that Butcher Bird, let alone the same castle! Maybe Truffen could visit us at Redwall?
Serena: Well… We’re sort of locked up at the moment. I’ll call you back once we escape, all right?
Jess: Talk to ya then! Bye!
Serena: Bye! *hangs up*
Amber: That was weird.
*Ellayo crawls into the bread machine and slams the door. Cackling is heard.*
Dann: That was weirder.
Amber: We’ve got another caller. Windred, you are on the air!
Windred: My son-in-law is sitting out on the beach freezing. What do I do?
Rusvul: Go sit next to him and complain about yore rheumatism and the young folks these days. Any self-respecting son-in-law would run screaming back inside to escape.
Janglur: Yeah, that’ll work. And don’t forget to talk about how things were better in “your day”.
Dann: Why in my day, we didn’t take fire for granted. Oh no, we did not! In fact, I remember one time when—
Windred: In my day, young squirrels were quiet and well-behaved towards their elders. *hangs up*
Dann: Ouch. That hurt.
Amber: Caller! Vurg, welcome to Squirreltalk!
Vurg: You mean this isn’t Warriormice 89.1?
Amber: Sorry, no.
Vurg: Oh well. *sounds of battle in background* Right now I’m in the middle of a big fight with a vermin crew to avenge Luke’s wife’s death, so I can’t really stop to chat. Bye! *hangs up*
Ellayo: Use the Force, Luke! Use the Force!
Janglur: Mom! Cut it out!
Amber: Commercials! Now!
*Silent Sam opens the bread machine and grabs Ellayo’s tail. She pokes at him with her walking stick*
Amber: NOW!!!!!
*****
Dibbun mouse: Daddy, will you read me a story?
Dad: I’m kind of busy right now. I have to finish putting the hieroglyphics on this bell, and then
Dibbun: Please?
Dad: Well… Okay! What story do you want?
Dibbun: Goldyfox and the Three Badgers!
Dad: Once upon a time, there were three badgers…
Family. Isn’t it about…time?
*****
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*****
This is your brain.
educated voice: The cubed root of twenty-seven is the same as the number of sides on an isosceles triangle, which can otherwise be referred to as…
This is your brain on grog.
nasal whiny searat: Oo, er, niney-tree an’ fifty-leven is, um, um, er, wot is it cap’n? I cant amember me numbers too good. Kin you tell me wot sixty-fortynine an’…
Don’t Do Grog! A message from Searats Against Drunk Sailing.
*****
Amber: We’re back!
Ellayo: Back we are!
Mr Squirrel: Sorry I’m late. The Voles wanted to set up the dessert table, but then Basil decided to help and I had to bake a new blackberry-apple pie, and my maple flans disappeared, and then Tim and Tess got into the strawberries and I had to help Mrs Churchmouse look for them and
Jess: It’s okay, we understand. I saved a chair for you.
Mr Squirrel: Thanks. *sits down gratefully*
Amber: I’m glad you could make it.
*the phone rings and Dann answers it*
Dann: Hello?
Tansy: Hi! Is Song there?
Dann: Uh, yeah. Song! Hedgehog for you!
Song: I knew that. Hi, Tansy!
Tansy: Mhera and Bryony and I are going shopping on Friday and we were wondering if you’d like to come. We might stop by Goody Brimm’s for a while afterwards. She makes the best scones!
Song: I dunno. I’m awfully busy with learning how to be an Abbess and everything…
Tansy: So are the rest of us! Besides, *lowers her voice conspiratorially* Arven’s gonna be there!
Song: Arven’s gonna be there? Count me in!
Dann: WHAT?!
Song: Just because I went on a quest with you doesn’t mean I like you. I like you as a friend, that’s all.
Sam: *nod, nod*
Dann: Song, you are impossible!! *knocks on the bread machine door* Can I come in? I need to learn to fight the Dark Side of the Force.
Ellayo: Come in you may. Train Jedis, I will.
Amber: Hey! That’s not something from your universe!
Dann: Is too!
Amber: Is not!
Dann: Is too! Foremole set it up so the gatehouse gets cable, and every other night we watch the All-Star Wars Channel.
Amber: Uh huh. Really?
Dann: Really! It’s great!
Song: Personally, I prefer Star Trek. *does Vulcan salute* Live long and prosper!
Amber: I’m warning you, if this doesn’t stop right away I’m going to
Rimrose: Caller! Hello and welcome to Squirreltalk!
Amber: Hey! That’s my job!
Rimrose: You weren’t doing it. Besides, I’m never too old to learn new skills.
Amber: AAAAAAAGH!!!!
Caller: Hello? Anyone there?
Amber: Welcome to Squirreltalk! Do you have a question for one of our guests?
Caller: I’m the beaver, and I was wondering if Mr Squirrel has a first name.
Mr Squirrel: Yes, I do. But I’m not going to tell you.
Jess: He’s ashamed of it!
Mr Squirrel: I am not! I just don’t want to say it.
Jess: (stage whisper) It’s MARION!!!!!! *giggles*
Dann: Whoa, and I thought ‘Dannflower’ was bad! *uncontrollable laughter*
Beaver: Are you serious?
Mr Squirrel: Sadly, yes.
Amber: Mr Solitary Beaver, a lot of people have been wondering: What’s your name? I mean, it can’t be ‘the beaver’. Is it too embarrassing, or can you tell us?
Beaver: Chauncy Merrilus Farradilly Trintilip Florcorner Troutwurth III.
Amber: You’re joking, right?
CMFTFTIII: No.
Dann: Do you know someone named Jodd?
CMFTFTIII: My mother named me after him. She was the only creature to listen to his full name and live.
Amber: Wow.
Rimrose: Well, that’s all we have time for today! Tune in next time for even more of your favorite squirrels!
Amber: That’s MY job!!!!!
Rimrose: So? What’s your point?
Amber: I’m the one who’s supposed to say all that. Not you.
Rimrose: Roll credits!
Ellayo: The end this is!
Amber: I really, really, strongly dislike you.
Rimrose: So?
Just a tiny little disclaimer thingy: If there is an All-Star Wars Channel out there, I didn’t know about it so please don’t sue me or something. Okay?
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