| Subject: lol ok next inside |
Author:
Whiteye
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Date Posted: 21:08:45 06/02/03 Mon
In reply to:
Wraith
's message, "Rolling on floor unable to stop laughing hysterically. Post the other chapters please!" on 18:59:32 05/29/03 Thu
Hired Director: The narrator Tokoyo has been forced into hiding due to death threats from individuals including 'marthastewartisdabest' and 'ihateclamchowdernparsley'. Auditions for a new narrator are in progress.
Sir? You are?
Candidate 1: Homiegdawg.
Hired Director: Writing sample, please?
Homiegdawg: yO YO YO! mATIAS AND sUNFLWR WUZ WALKING IN DA FOREST WEN A BIG GHETTO RAT JUMPED OUT!!!!!11111!!!!
H.D: Thank you. Next? And...yes, Matthias?
Matthias: Do we have any say in this?
H.D.: No, you're the characters, not the writers. Next! What's your name, sir?
Candidate 2: Comrade Pieter Ivanovitch Dmitryovitch Alexeyovitch Smerdyakovitch Pavlovitch Karamazov XVI.
H.D.: ...okay. Writing sample?
Comrade Pieter Ivanovitch Dmitryovitch Alexeyovitch Smerdyakovitch Pavlovitch Karamazov XVI:
Matthias the mouse wobbledcomically past the abbeycloisters with his basket. His oversized novicerobes were gathered in baggyfolds over his largesandals. He came to a suddenhalt.
"Hey, narrator, can ya stop combinin' every single adjective with its noun or verb inta one word? It's really gettin' on my nerves," Matthias called into the air. A group of abbeydwellers cast curious sidelongglances in his direction.
INSUBORDINATION! TO DE GULAG WIT YOU!
H.D.: What the?!
A group of Red Guards swarmed out of nowhere and tackled the bourgeoise mouse. Matthias wailed, "No! No! I hearby pledge to repent my capitalist ways! Long live the Red Army!"
Matthias: HEY!
Abbot Morty: (death glare at Matthias) You're a capitalist? TRAITOR!
Foremole: Haw haw haw!
H.D.: (gulps) Th-th-th-thank y-you! N-next? Your name, ma'am?
Candidate 3: Serena4582091904784930228495589492.
H.D.: Writing sample?
Serena4582091904784930228495589492: First, I want to change all of the female characters into Sailor Scouts and Matthias to Vegeta and Cluny to Freeza and-
H.D.: Thank you very much! Next? Miss?
Dilligence: I have a very bad feeling about these auditions.
Candidate 4: I'm ilovearagornarwenshoulddie.
H.D.: Writing sample?
Ilovearagornarwenshoulddie:
Matthias was walking in the forest when he came across a stunningly beautiful mousemaid lying unconcious on the path. As he paused in his steps, she opened her crystal-blue eyes.
"I pray thee, kind sir, aideth me in my quest! I am Icetora Swordswinger, and I haveth been senteth from my village to findeth a mighty warrior!"
Matthias, being struck dumb by her beauty, said-
H.D.: THANK YOU! (aside) Gawd! A MOUSE Mary-Sue!
Matthias: Yowza!
Sunflower: (growls) Keep your paws off my mouse, woman!
H.D.: (sigh of relief) Last candidate! Your name?
Candidate 5: Andy L. W. Can I start later on in the story?
H.D.: I guess so.
Andy L.W.:
Cluny growled in agony as the sunlight from the open tent flap hit him full in the face. Purpletooth said timidly, "Chief? The healers are here."
On cue, two foxes, an elderly vixen and her smirking son stepped in.
"Arr. Who are they?"
The elderly vixen pointed to the orchestra waiting outside. "Hit it!"
There was a blast of music as the two foxes broke into song.
"Way way back many seasons ago,
long before this book was begun,
Sela lived in the Piney Woods,
with her snickering little son!
SELAAAAAAA, Sela and Son!
Lived with a pack of foxes in the woods!
SELAAAAAAAA, Sela and Son!
Both deranged and subject to changes of moods!
Sela was the doctor in a band of foxes,
thanks to the number of beasts she had healed,
she was also known as-"
H.D.: NO!
Cluny: (sobbing) Arr! Please, just let me die!
Andy L.W.: No good? I've got some more! Here's the number for Martin and Matthias in front of the tapestry:
Matthias: (soprano)In sleep he spoke to me, in dreams, he came,
that voice which calls to me, and speaks my name.
And in Redwall Abbey, where night is blind,
The PHAAAAAAAATOM of the tapestry is heeeeeereeee, inside my mind!
Martin: (tenor) Speak once again with me-
H.D.: STOP! STOP!
Foremole: HAW HAW HAW!
Martin: Cool! Do I get a mask?
Matthias: NEVER! I hate it!
Martin: You're just angry because you have to sing the soprano part!
H.D.: I've got to pick a new narrator from THIS LOT?!
Matthias: We vote to just stay here in...um, wherever we are until you get someone else.
H.D.: No, I have specific orders to pick a new narrator. Um...er....help?
Matthias: ILOVEARAGORNARWENSHOULDDIE!
Sunflower: ANDY L.W.! (slaps Matthias)
Matthias: Ow!
Dilligence: NOBODY!
Abbot Morty: COMRADE KARAMAZOV!
Foremole: HOMIEGDAWG! Yo yo yo!
Cluny: SERENA4582091904784930228495589492! (looks around) Arr! Why's everybeast lookin' at me like that?
H.D.The winner is...(drumroll)...Comrade Pieter Ivanovitch Dmitryovitch Alexeyovitch Smerdyakovitch Pavlovitch Karamazov XVI!
All: NOOOOOOOO!
Abbot Morty: I was JOKING!
Comrade Pieter Ivanovitch Dmitryovitch Alexeyovitch Smerdyakovitch Pavlovitch Karamazov XVI: In de nem ov de Repoobleek of de Piney Voods, I hereby authorize de deportation ov all dissenters to Siberia!
Tokoyo: Huh? What's all this stuff about Siberia?
H.D.: HELP!
Comrade P.I.D.A.S.P. Karamazov XVI : Who's dees?
Tokoyo: I'm the narrator, and I've just gotten a restraining order against some rabid dogmatic weirdos. Who're you?
Comrade P.I.D.A.S.P. Karamazov XVI: Nyet! I am de narrator! You are indeesposed!
Tokoyo: AY! What have you been doing to my parody?!
All: Erm...
Comrade P.I.D.A.S.P. Karamazov XVI: Who cares! I have staged a revolution! Dees pardoy is MINE, cowgirl!
Tokoyo: No it ain't, Chekhov! Now begone!
Dilligence: I second that.
Tokoyo: Thank you. SECURITY!
Comrade P.I.D.A.S.P. Karamazov XVI: ARG!
Tokoyo: Now, um, where were we?
Cluny: I've gotta have nightmares about Martin, arr.
Tokoyo: Thank you, Cluny. Okay...yes, Matthias?
Matthias: (whispers) Yeah, is there any way we could keep that Icetora Swordslinger mousemaid in the story? AWWWK! HELP!
Tokoyo: SUNFLOWER! NO!
(Most sincere apologies for that bit of total stupidity. *hangs head in embarrasment*, and to Fyodor Dostoyevsky and any Russian nationalists.)
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