At trial -- Mamusz' Restoration Forum

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Date Posted: 22:13:53 12/21/11 Wed
Author: George
Subject: At trial

Judge: Mr. Jones, you have been accused of wire fraud, grand larceny, failure to file income taxes, embezzlement, misuse of public funds, theft by check, impersonation of a public official, bigamy, violation of a court order, trespassing, arson, manslaughter, discharging a firearm on a public right of way, grand theft auto, statutory rape, armed robbery, violating the Mann Act, kidnapping, violation of probation, impersonation of a police officer, election fraud, high treason, obstruction of justice, forgery, leaving the scene of an accident, and perjury. How do you plead?

Jones: Judge not lest ye be judged, your Honor.

Judge: I'll take that as a "guilty" on all counts.

Defense counsel: You Honor, this is absurd. You cannot automatically draw a guilty plea from my client's remarks. My client pleads not guilty to all counts.

Judge: Prisoner is remanded to the county jail without bail until trial.

Defense: Your Honor, my client is an upstanding citizen who currently holds valid priesthood cards from the LDS Church, the Community of Christ, the local Zoroastrian Society, and is on the Board of the National Council of Churches. We ask that he be released on his own cognizance.

Judge: Due to the number of charges and their seriousness, this court cannot grant your request.

Defense: But your Honor, my client did not leave the scene of an accident. He intended to drive the car off the bridge with his pregnant secretary in it. He contends that he could not have committed statutory rape, because the alleged victim was at the time past the age of consent according to Shariah Law in western Sudan. He could not have violated the Mann Act, because the car eventually came to rest on the bottom of the river on this side of the state line. He did not discharge a firearm on a public road, because he had to chase the alleged victim a half mile away from the roadway. He cannot be guilty of bigamy, because he had no second marriage. What the District Attorney alleges is a second marriage was only a shacking up ceremony performed by a fellow priest in the defendant's church. He did not commit arson, because the church he is accused of torching caught fire following a lightning strike during his sermon on sacramental sodomy. He cannot be guilty of manslaughter, because we can prove that his secretary had species issues and had species-change surgery pending; thus, it cannot be determined whether she was a man or not. We contend that he cannot be guilty of any of the other charges, because he printed an article in the Saints Herald twenty years ago plainly stating that he had absolutely no intention of ever doing any of those other things.

Judge: Save it for trial

Jones: Judge not lest ye be judged.

Judge: You've already pled not guilty. Do you want to change your plea to not guilty by reason of insanity?

Defense Council: No, your Honor.

Judge: Very well, then. Defendant is remanded to the Country Jail until trial. Next case.

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