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Date Posted: 20:53:58 04/08/02 Mon
Author: Sandy
Author Host/IP: 216.104.140.36
Subject: Abandonment issues

I went to my psychiatrist today. I had gone to NC to visit my family. Matt went with me and his dad picked him up at my mom's house last night. Scotty stayed home.

I explained some problems to him that I am having. Things from the past that are troubling me again. I told him that I don't think I get over bad things from the past as well as some people do. We talked about how I feel that everyone I ever love abandons me. I feel like I have to make people love me because they won't love me for myself. Now here I am with Scott, who I really do believe loves me for me. I don't feel like I have to constantly work to win his love, but instead of enjoying that (although it is a relief) I am afraid to trust that someone could love me that easily. I've been thinking a lot about my "first love", someone I thought I would spend my life with but he didn't ever come back for me. Then of course there is the ex. I'd probably still be feeling sad that he left me, if he hadn't done everything possible to make me not like him. (I must say he succeeded in making sure there are no residual feelings for him).

My psychiatrist talked to me for a long time (even though therapy isn't part of his job) I was in tears so he probably felt bad. He asks if I had ever gone to counseling. I told him that I had tried it but didn't see that it made any difference. He said that it might be different if I just went short time for a specific problem instead of just general not feeling well. He said that I have a lot of abandonment issues that I need to work through and also that if someone really loves you they will love you for yourself, everyone gets grouchy sometimes but that is a test of love. I guess I'll give it a try, but I don't know who to talk to because I don't know anyone here.

I hope I find someone who can help me deal with always being so afraid of getting left and no one loving me. It's not fun to live with. I had been doing so well, but he said that probably all of the changes in the past year has just triggered those feelings. Maybe so.

I hope you all had a good weekend. I'm going to try to catch up on posts as soon as this headache eases off.

Love,
Sandy

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