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Date Posted: 17:33:48 03/22/02 Fri
Author: Jonathan
Author Host/IP: 199.35.222.207
Subject: When there is no place to run...

What do you do when you are tired and go home? This is where the real stuff comes about... at least for me anyways... see, there are days when I pray that God would let me die and to this day I sleep next to a gun in my bed, should I decide to carry the deed out. Not that I would do it... but it is there in case life becomes too intolerable and I can't stand it anymore. I know God will not allow temptations beyond what one can bear but... there are days when... that limit is often tested.

I can not be with support groups and friends all the time... and on those days when my heart tears apart... I want to run but there is no where to run to except the Lord. And there are days when I need a little more than an intangible friend to lean upon. I have to force myself to not to think about it. Sometimes that may mean taking tranquilizers to knock me out... problem is... I tend to take a few too many with some alcohol to gamble with life a little. (Read "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plaith) I only do this on a weekend... never when I have work the next morning. And I keep a nice reserve of pills for old time sake as well. Xanax, Vicodens, Percocets... for that time... when I will need them.

Most of the time though... I will chat on line at a support line like Befriender's if I need to talk. But I tell you that if I were not a Christian... I would not be here today. Everyday is a challenge... and I feel like I am walking a fine line between the veneer of today's reality and yesterday's insanity. I cope... but just barely... still God finds a way for me to hold on... and that how it has been for the last ten years.

This stuff is probably boring you to death... as it is... I just had to say something... because it is real hard to be the "bug guy" and it takes a lot of emotional energy to hide behind plastic smiles... when all the while... you are thinking about the unthinkable.

I am a strong person... I am a survivor. But there are days when I get tired of running the race. God is the answer; yes. But it still is not an easy road to walk on. That is why the path is narrow and few will enter the pearly gates, right?

Anyway... thanks for caring enough to read this... it helps to share this burden with others... to talk about it helps me think better. My Playstation is beckoning me ... it is time to escape from reality and flee to the world of Bond 007. ;) Jonathan

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