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Date Posted: 20:36:19 03/26/02 Tue
Author: Bill
Author Host/IP: 205.188.196.48
Subject: One of the "little rascals" I guess (LONG-but would appreciate listening ears)

Isn't that the name of the old tv show about the group of misfit kids and their wild adventures? I kind of compare myself to Alph-Alpha, curious and always getting into sticky situations with the hair always standing on end so to speak.
I'm trying very hard not to bring any more negativity or doom and gloom of my troubles to anyone, it's hard not to be paranoid I've alienated people with my endless talk of car breakdowns, financial struggles, work stress, and such,
I'm trying hard to look at things with more a sense of humor and take life one day at a time. SO....
Growing older, I am very much into "life review" and seems I've been having a "trigger of the week". I went to the horse races last weekend which was nice, the horses were beautiful although I couldn't see much of them the track being flat in the middle of a field, but cars were lined up with tailgate parties, buffets, and gatherings, my co-worker and I wound up at the tailgate of our boss and his family, nice people, but upper class and very much the jet set crowd. I was definitely Alph-Alpha and the others knew it too.
I've been almost curious as to the long pattern of this social awkwardness, the negative part being the relentless teasing and humiliation I received especially in junior high and high school, gym class was a nightmare, the typical overweight klutz who was tormented even by my own gym teacher "Lister, better try to work on all those things you got an F on" in front of the other gym classmates, hearing them roar with laughter when it was time to climb the ropes or do pullups.
And being shy with girls, I was preyed upon by anyone who wanted to embarrass me or make me blush. No self-pity here, really, I look at it as a fact.
In college, I could barely even look anyone in the eye and drove my poor college age resident assistants on the dorm floors nuts because they had a reponsibility towards me and I was always so shy, so withdrawn, and desperate for some kind of attention but going about it the wrong way.
In any job, I've always been consumed by doubts and fears, what is this person thinking, what is that person thinking?
If someone looks at me the wrong way, I instantly tighten up.
Even now, when I go to the hospital to eat lunch, it's always SO crowded and the tables are the long cafeteria style, I always get my food in to go containers for if the tables are too crowded, I won't sit in there, I'll go to the park and eat.
In church, during "social time", I go to the bathroom and endlessly wash my hands or stand there until someone comes in then I leave and hope there isn't much of the social period left.
It's very difficult being a loner, I know now that really I was never meant to have children, be married, have many things that others do here, but there's no bitterness in it, really, it's all I can do to take care of myself and I take pride in the friendships I have here and a few places elsewhere.
But still, there's always been that element of being someone strolling down a lonely st. and looking in the warm windows of a late night cafe and seeing people talking, eating, laughing, but just can't bring himself to open the door.
Maybe that's why I can't bring myself to disconnect myself from the internet, it's my outlet to try and deal with things, even if I feel half the time anymore everyone tires of my endless negative ramblings from things that keep happening. But I don't know where else to go to talk about things.
I know a lot of my social awkwardness comes from my childhood, my parents, bless their hearts, are two wonderful people who went through hell in their lives but ultimately were never ready for parenthood, they did the best they could and I can't be bitter, but complete lack of affection and nuturing does have it negative affects.
they just had too many inner conflicts and troubles of their own to know how to be parents beyond the material responsibilities.
And it's hard for them because they know it and struggle with that guilt. I tell them I love them and I know they did the best they could.It's fate and the way things happened,NOT their faults.
So I guess with me and my stocky chubby body and high pitched soft voice and quirky salt and pepper goatee and
non athletic body and always blushing red face, I am one of the "little rascals".
Being a little rascal does have its moments though I know people always underestimate me and I'll never forget the time at a stress relief party at work back in Kansas I got out and burned a hole in the dance floor, I'd never seen so many jaws drop, and you know what? I'm sorry,but I relished every single moment of it.
Maybe some of you feel the same.
Oh, good movies to watch if you feel like a "little rascal" and want a movie character to identify with:
1) "Never Been Kissed" with Drew Barrymore-romantic and really identifies the high school acceptance issues
2) "Miss Congeniality"-Sandra Bullock is a hoot, the misunderstood underdog who finds success in the end
3) "Coyote Ugly"-the naive woman who moves to New York
looking for fame and finds herself in over her head, but wins in the end.
4) "Beaches"-a wonderfully sentimental story with Bette
Midler as the quirky performer who finds herself in many sticky situations to find success in the end, GREAT friendship story
Thanks for listening, I had to talk about this.
Peace,
Bill

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