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Date Posted: 11:21:41 04/28/02 Sun
Author: Liz
Author Host/IP: 24.160.95.164
Subject: Bill
In reply to: Bill 's message, "I think God gave up on me (triggers)" on 21:56:47 04/27/02 Sat

Hi Bill,

I don't know if you remember me from TBF. I haven't posted here in a long time, although I lurk occasionally, but I looked in today and saw your post.

I am a very intuitive person, and sometimes I know things without knowing how I know them, and I have this strong sense that things are on the verge of turning around for you.

I've had a very rough year myself, went from falling in love (with the man I thought was my perfect life partner) and having him fall in love with me (he claimed) and then being pushed over - overnight - for the woman before me. Wanting to die. Wanting to trade places with someone in the WTC on 9-11. Knowing I had to keep living for the sake of my kids (parents, friends, colleagues) and yet being unable to eat or go through a single day without crying a river of tears.

Months of suffering and then a slow recovery. Finally finding a med that seemed to help. Having a rebound relationship that is now ending. Feeling the depression hovering again because I am once again "alone." Remembering the Joni Mitchell line, "so why does it come as such a shock to know you really have no one?" Reminding myself that I am not really alone, and that I will have a partner again some day, God (if He or She exists) willing.

Bill, money is just money. Tell the state of Kansas that you will pay them $10 a month until you have them paid back. All creditors can be negotiated with. There are free credit counseling services that can help you get your finances sorted out and create a debt management plan that will help you get back on your feet again.

What I see is that you are a very strong person, deep down, to have struggled and endured all that you have, including depression too. Do you have a counselor, and are you taking meds? If not both could help, and there may be community services with sliding-scale payment options (where you pay what you can afford, sometimes as little as $5). Not being a full-feldged "believer" I don't think counseling from a pastor is a good substitute for counseling with someone trained in psychology.

Anyway, I don't buy what your pastor said about "if one doesn't truly accept the will God has for that person, God will let him go on their merry way." For me, it's never been clear what God's will for me is, so how could I accept it? I do know it's not suffering though.

My shrink has a theory about suffering. She thinks that it is in the dark nights of the soul that the most spiritual growth occurs. Like the "Secrets of the Vine," where the grapevines that are aggressively pruned bear the most abundant fruit. Of course I want to say that I'd settle for a little less spiritual growth and a little less suffering.

Don't give up, Bill. You say you have a college degree, there must be things you can do. Perhaps a second job for a while, to get out of debt and as a way to meet new people? OK, I know when you are suffering from depression it's hard to have hope and to try to do constructive things, I'm facing something similar myself, knowing I am going to have to take some action to bring more joy into my life, feeling overwhelmed and immobilized at the thought, but resolving to muster the troops and just do it (no matter how many tries it takes).

Anyway, I hope this message helps you, even if just to know that you are worth caring about, everyone is, and maybe it helped me to write this too. So you see, you helped me today, just by posting here.

Peace.

Liz

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