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Date Posted: 21:56:47 04/27/02 Sat
Author: Bill
Author Host/IP: 64.12.107.151
Subject: I think God gave up on me (triggers)

As much as I care for my friends and would never want to cause any of you hurt, if it weren't for my two cats who depend on me with their unconditional love,I would truly end or attempt to end my existence on this earth.
I have never felt so alone, so abandoned, and so hopeless in my life. My pastor said if one doesn't truly accept the will God has for that person, God will let him go on their merry way.
All my life I feel as if God's purpose for me is to endure constant, unrelenting punishment through crisis after crisis, heartache after heartache and maybe because I can't wear the smile and glory of being "God's soldier" anymore, maybe he's decided to just let go like my pastor said.
All I've ever wanted on this earth was a little bit of happiness and I've had to fight tooth and claw under complete survival circumstances constantly and I'm worn out.
All I wanted to do was come here and make a new life for myself, I thought this through so hard, weighed the pros and cons, planned, organized, arranged, and all I did was throw away my house, my belongings, and ruin myself financially, I mean it, I am RUINED. For any of you out there reading this post,if you have intact credit, I want you to thank your damn lucky stars. At first I made dreadful mistakes, then when I paid for and realized those mistakes, fate took over and finished me off. I came home tonight and found yet another surprise--now my former electric company is saying I owe them money, eight months here in South Carolina and now I owe Kansas yet more money.
It's slam after slam after slam after slam and either God is there wanting to push my buttons and wanting me for some reason to try and put myself six feet under or my pastor is right, he has abandoned me and the devil is taking me for what little I have left.
Sandy and Scott have their own lives and I've done nothing but douse them constantly with my never ending problems. I'm not worth their friendship.
I have no spirit left to give to you the way I used to, maybe that's why I'm being forever punished too.
Yeah, I could be in a war torn country, yes, I could be a starving child in Africa, yes it could be worse, I know,I know, I KNOW. But I'm so sick and tired of saying to myself over and over and over just to keep strength and saying things will get better Bill, things will get better Bill.
I went from a volatile dysfunctional family to horribly socially awkward college years to a two year isolating manic depressive time that left me with no food, electricity, or sanity. I gain it back, slowly build my life and work myself up the ladder to a job I thought was the pinnacle of my career, then it's blown to hell by greedy foreign owners which drained me of what strength I had remaining so I decide to come here and for any of you who know me, you know the rest of the story.
Can you understand why I can't have any more hope?? Why I can no longer keep faith?? I can only take so much before I'm broken and whether it's God, Satan, fate, or my own lack of strength, I'm finished. And I'm truly finished bringing all of you down with my negativity anymore. I'm better off just to dissapear.
Enough is enough.

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