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Date Posted: 14:41:09 10/04/01 Thu
Author: Bill
Author Host/IP: 205.188.196.56
Subject: This Life Review Stuff is NOT easy

Nearing 40 myself, I have found myself getting deeper and deeper into life review. I can say I've pretty much dealt with, healed or just have done the best I can to do so concerning my parent's divorce and the early years, have managed to score peace with the high school years with my stepmom and father, now I find the one long chapter of my life I am having trouble with is the long twisting journey after high school until now.
In 1985, I started off with such a bang, I was in college, working for a news and information office, carrying out my writing with publications in newsletters and the local newspaper as people in high school thought I would, I was very successful on the yearbook, I had everything in line.
And in 1985, it just all went up in smoke. I was burned out from a full class load and working three part time jobs, surviving on two to three hours of sleep per day, crashing most of the day on Sundays, and found my English, non teaching degree was basically worthless for any concrete job, so I left.
And what's followed is a sixteen year odysssey dealing with the pits of manic depression and those awful mood swings and episodes, seclusion to the point of starvation and near homelessness, endless job forays into telemarketing and sales, factory work, nursing, social work, janitorial and custodial jobs, restaurant and fast food service, and finally I thought I had it in the late 90's when I found the internet and your friendships and landed the Administrative Assistant job.
I still have your friendships, but find myself starting over yet again at near 40, and the others who wrote me from my high school online reunion foray, they went into teaching, one went to work for AT&T and he's still there, they know work benefits and retirement and financial solvency.
I feel like such a failure, I've made stupid financial mistakes repeatedly that have just devastated any chances for a successful financial future other than just survival, which is nothing to scoff about, I'm proud of that, but still. All I want to do now is just work, pay my bills, and try to make peace within myself to enjoy whatever time I have left on this earth. I want to blame my depression, and in some respects I can, but overall I made decisions, I made moves, and I feel like I've really just built myself up time and time again to crash.
I know I'm meant to be here in South Carolina and that the full purpose has yet to unfold, it's beautiful here, Sandy and Scott, you are such tremendous friends and help me more than you will ever know, and I have work now which I have to realize may lead to something bigger, but i can't help but grieve at this point.
I feel like time has run out and now it's just trying to put together what I can for what time I have left. Like I missed the boat, missed the plane, and I am looking in the mirror with that ticket in my hands and knowing this is just all my own fault. And much of it is really. It sure isn't easy to accept that kind of responsibility.
I'm thankful for my health and the good things I have now, don't get me wrong, but still. I do know it could be worse.
Guess now it's up to me to put this last chapter behind me and see just how I can move forward from here. It was never meant to be easy, but when I look at how much of my life was just seemingly wasted, I have to find a way to put the past behind and look ahead.
Bill

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